Having 'the talk' and fighting for old-fashioned family discussions when it comes to sex

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  • Back Talk Federal Way, WA
    March 28, 2018 2:39 p.m.

    I saw this article when it first came out but didnt want to be the first to comment.

    I am afraid that I see this as a typical Mormon over reaction to teaching a moral principle. Mr Spellman has the correct approach to teaching your children about sex. All this authors discussion would do is cause sexual anxiety (yes, sex is can be "just for fun" for married couples) and could lead some girl to ask a new date...

    "Do you look at pornography and do you consider sex a 'spiritual" experience".

    Gracious.

    Just follow Spellmans advice to say sex is good when done between a married couple (sorry, but yes that means a man and woman).

  • NoNamesAccepted St. George, UT
    March 27, 2018 5:57 p.m.

    @JD: "So the writer states she taught her son about healthy sexual relations between only a man and a woman. At the same time, in a way, she also taught discrimination and negativity of others who may be of a different sexual orientation."

    By that logic she taught "discrimination and negativity of others who may" never marry. Or those who chose to live together in sin.

    The author taught her children about human sexuality in the context of her sincere and peaceful religious beliefs. Those beliefs are very clear that sexual expression is acceptable to God only between a man and woman joined in marriage. Any other use of procreative powers is sinful. That includes all sexual orientations.

    I think several posters have made very clear why so many parents--those of us who actually have children--are so concerned about sex ed in public schools, why there is growing demand for school choice.

    Clearly, some want to use sex ed as a chance to indoctrinate others' children on matters of human sexuality.

    If you would not want me teaching your kids Mormon beliefs in public school, don't presume to teach my kids anti-Mormon or anti-Christian beliefs in those same public schools.

  • NoNamesAccepted St. George, UT
    March 27, 2018 5:52 p.m.

    @RanchHand: "Our sexuality ... is a very important part and it should NOT be repressed; there is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you sexually are."

    I think Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, LBJ, JFK, Bill Cosby, Weinstein, Anthony Weiner, and far too many others have made very clear that is often a whole lot wrong with being who they are sexually. There very clearly are sexual traits that need to be "repressed" or--perhaps more accurately--overcome.

    Any form of sexual predation clearly should not be expressed.

    There is even conduct among consenting adults that poses significant personal risk and really should not be encouraged nor lauded. Promiscuous, unprotected, anonymous or casual sex springs to mind.

    Many traits need to be overcome, channeled, controlled, or repressed. Violence, rudeness, bigotry, and hatred make that list. There most certainly are aspects of some people's sexuality that they should never, ever act upon.

    Most of these, we would agree on, I hope. A very small number, we would disagree on.

    How about I teach my kids my values, and you teach your kids yours, and we respect each other in those areas of honest disagreement? Show the respect you want to get.

  • EscherEnigma Ridgecrest, CA
    March 26, 2018 2:41 p.m.

    Eh. The "best" place for "the talk" is in the home. This is true. But let's be honest, even if all parents were diligent in having "the talk" in a timely manner, they're going to forget some things, get some things wrong, etc. and so-on.

    So while it's "best" for "the talk" to happen in the home, it's still appropriate and proper for public schools to share a more uniform curriculum with accurate information. Such talks should 100% avoid most "moral" questions, leaving that to the home, but they should cover health and legal information.

    And I say this as a childless uncle who has had to give "the talk" to his nephews because their parents were too uncomfortable with the topic to do so. As a result, their nephews didn't get "the talk" until they were already teenagers.

    So it's not enough that *you* give "the talk" right. Everyone has to.

    @Draper
    Actually, your state still has an (unconstitutional) sodomy law on the books, and your legislators have voted down multiple attempts to rectify that. So no, your state does not believe that folks can believe differently. It's just that the Supreme Court of the United States won't let your state enforce it's beliefs.

  • JD Las Vegas, NV
    March 25, 2018 10:51 p.m.

    Dear Ms. Draper of West Jordan, I totally agree it is a wonderful country where the power of free agency exists and we have the right to believe differently. This is a comment section of a newspaper, where we are encouraged to have a civil dialogue. So I have just as much of a right to have a different opinion from the author, as she has the right to express her opinion. Not sure what point you are trying to make at all. But the information shared in the article, as written, it does not appear that the child of the author was given complete or even accurate information as to the free agency of sexuality. You stated "And yes WE do believe that sexual relationships between married people who are not opposite genders are contrary to God's law. But WE also believe you can believe differently you can worship who what or where you want. You can even choose to believe in no god." My point was that this child was not presented with this same open dialogue, but rather more in the form of a dictator (or whomever "WE" is) telling the child what he is to believe and what he will do. This topic could have been discussed so much better without referring to religious beliefs or discrimination.

  • Little Andy Tremonton, UT
    March 25, 2018 2:46 p.m.

    First off I don't think she wrote down her entire conversation with her son so we don't know what was covered. Second those who oppose her article it is plain to see who is "in" the world and who is "of" the world. In the world means guidelines and of the world means anything goes.

  • sgallen Salt Lake City, UT
    March 25, 2018 2:42 p.m.

    Thank you so much for posting this controversial point of view. The lord's way is the best way to raise a family.

  • lc1 Farmington, UT
    March 25, 2018 12:41 p.m.

    Thank you so much for this article!! Having both older children who are now on their own, including one who is married, and younger children still at home I think you have a wonderful approach for how to teach your children about this important topic. I was reading this to my wife and seeing, though, that there are ways that we can improve as we talk to our younger kids who are still at home. Thank you for sharing this so that we might be able to do better.

    Those quotes by both Elder Holland and Elder Bednar are so good! They really do help us keep things in the proper perspective and to understand that our passions and appetites are to be kept within the bounds that the Lord has set, if we want true joy both in this life and in the life to come.

  • NeifyT Salt Lake City, UT
    March 25, 2018 11:35 a.m.

    I applaud this parent attempting the discussion with her son. 8 almost 9 is certainly not too early; possibly too late though. But, at least it is a start.

    I see she failed to address the idea of consent; nor what is legally allowed of children; nor the risks of other adults; and possibly a whole lot of other things as well. This is why we NEED to have comprehensive sex education in public schools starting in Kindergarten. Because parents even when they attempt to address the subject; do not do enough. They tend to limit the scope of their conversations to only what they have experienced; and leave our the majority of what human sexuality is about.

    Knowledge is power, or empowerment; keeping children in the dark only keeps them at risk. At risk for abuse; at risk for curious experimentation; at risk for manipulation; and a whole lot of other things as well.

  • I_believe Draper, UT
    March 25, 2018 11:30 a.m.

    I agree the best place to talk about sex is in the home. Waiting for our children to find out about sex using a banana in school class isn't the way to explain sacred things.

    Thanks for the article, help us all have the courage to discuss it with our children.

  • Nichol Draper West Jordan, UT
    March 25, 2018 6:22 a.m.

    Dear JD of Las Vegas it is called freedom of Religion and freedom of speech. And it is a constitutional right to not only believe differently from you but we also have the freedom to speak about it. And yes we do believe that sexual relationships between married people who are not opposite genders are contrary to God's law. But we also believe you can believe differently you can worship who what or where you want. You can even choose to believe in no god. Isn't this country great?

  • JD Las Vegas, NV
    March 24, 2018 11:26 p.m.

    It sounds like to me that Spellman789 of Syracuse has a much better grasp on how to have an open discussion with their child about sexuality and parenting as a whole. I felt the article's author seemed to inform her child in a format similiar to a dictatorship. I can only imagine the son is even more confused now than when he wasn't aware of his parents expectations which turned out to be all about their own sexuality. The truth is that it is a very uncomfortable situation, as parents, to have to have this discussion. Certainly there is not a right or wrong way to hold a conversation on the topic. But believing that everyone has the same version of sexuality and discovery is very naive and can lead to further confusion and self-doubt.

  • Spellman789 Syracuse, UT
    March 24, 2018 9:14 p.m.

    First of all, thank you for having the courage to write this article. It is always difficult to put something that you hold sacred out there for others to either take or,.......not.
    I personally agree fully that this discussion should be done in the home, and should be an ongoing discussion. As my husband and I have prayed to know what is most important to tell our children, we have had MANY follow-up discussions. We have also tried to tailor each discussion to the needs of the individual child, always emphasizing the very important point that sex is GOOD, these feelings are GOOD and NATURAL, but they have their place.
    We have taught our children that sex is to be used within marriage (which, yes, we believe is between a man and a woman). There are many reasons for that, even aside from religious reasons, and we talk about these with our children when they are ready (emotional, physical, economic, social).
    We know that our children may make different choices than we teach, or they may come to us one day and tell us they are gay, etc. If that day comes, we will continue to love our children. As I tell them, often, I love YOU, not everything you DO.

  • JD Las Vegas, NV
    March 24, 2018 3:34 p.m.

    So the writer states she taught her son about healthy sexual relations between only a man and a woman. At the same time, in a way, she also taught discrimination and negativity of others who may be of a different sexual orientation. Now if her son is of a different sexual orientation, he now knows that his parents are not going to be proud of him if he is different. He now knows that in his parents eyes, any type of different healthy sexual relations is wrong, bad, and negative. This type of thinking could possibly play a role in why Utah has led the nation in male teenage suicide rate, with a high majority of those suicides related to males with different sexual orientation. The conversation mentioned in the article, somewhat closes the door for others to keep silent leaving them of not being able to talk about struggles they may have. There are many different ways to talk with your children about sexuality that does not go against belief systems, nor promoting different experiences. I disagree with the writer, as according to her story she talked to her son about healthy sexual relations, I feel she did not even come close to teaching her child about healthy sexual relations.

  • RanchHand Huntsville, UT
    March 24, 2018 3:33 p.m.

    Our sexuality may be only one part of our being, but it is a very important part and it should NOT be repressed; there is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you sexually are.

  • Orson Woods Cross, UT
    March 24, 2018 11:12 a.m.

    I have also seen articles, in other venues, that promote free or casual sex strictly for fun and pleasure, with university training courses to help people learn how to be deviant. A week ago the Tribune ran a story about a group convention held in Salt Lake where the term "sex positive" was used as code for free sex with no guilt, no matter what you do. I tend to think Carmen saw that same story and this is a good reaction to it.

    If a group is seeking to give license to immorality, to free people from feeling guilt for committing serious sin, then we know who they are really speaking for.