Ask Angela: He keeps lying about his age

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  • CJ Miles Dallas, TX
    Aug. 27, 2014 11:55 a.m.

    I find it strange that a people think they can lie about their age. So when this dude goes to his 25 year school reunion next year, is he going to tell her is graduated at age 5? Age is something you can't change. There are plenty of women (and she may be one of them) that does not care how old a man is as long as she is attracted to him. Age is playing less and less of a role in dating in today's society. It's not uncommon to see 20 years difference between a couple. Women want maturity and security in a man. Most women date older men to get this type of guy.

  • Sore loser tampa, fl
    July 6, 2014 9:03 p.m.

    You know Edward from those vampire movies was around 175 years old and he seems to be a lady magnet. Maybe your dude is just a vampire but not as old as Edward, so embrace the whole I am 42 years old thing for what it is, he is a vampire.

  • Brahmabull sandy, ut
    July 4, 2014 2:59 p.m.

    Everybody lies. The average person lies 7 times a day. Whether it is telling somebody they look good when they really don't, or lying about something big, everybody does it to some extent. But if this guy is telling you blatant, flat-out, bald faced lies about his age... then yeah time to move on.

  • ellenwwest Gilbert, AZ
    July 3, 2014 12:05 p.m.

    So sorry, you have met a liar. He will continue to lie about things that may be big or small. He will not change his colors. Also he knows he is too old for you. It does not matter that he is "aging well" every one should agree that we all understand what he sees in you, "the sweet young thing" but he really is the "dirty old man" who cannot keep a relationship alive with a woman in his generation. I see nothing but warning signs. Ultimately you will not share enough history to be on the same page when you are his age now.

  • n2ishn Port Matilda / Centre, PA
    July 3, 2014 7:32 a.m.

    This man is showing signs of an insecurity that probably needs some professional help. The lying is a symptom of a much deeper concern. He is insecure about his own "lovability" with women his own age perhaps, and so when he finds someone 20 years younger he is willing to lie for his own selfish benefit. To intentionally deceive someone, deprives them of the all the facts to base a decision on.

    She has a blinders on to see that a relationship with a 20 age difference has little chance of being happy and working. When she is 46 YO, the very prime of her life, he will be 66 and worrying about Medicare and SS and other aging issues. They would be in two totally different places in their lives. He will be in his 60's when any children they have graduate from high school. This situation would completely unfair to any kids they may have on many levels.

    She needs to dump him fast, get her own life and priorities in order, and get on with life. For her to even consider a relationship with a lying person signifies she may have problems that need to be dealt with as well.

  • Mrs TAP Bountiful, UT
    July 1, 2014 5:47 p.m.

    I was married to a man for thirty years who, constantly, lied to me. I left several times but always returned, believing his promises (& because of the children involved). When the lies got big enough to include a missing $29K, I knew I had to make good on my threats to him that if I caught him once more, I was "outta here". My present husband, I believed to be the most honest person, anywhere! First lie was his age (later I learned that he had, once again, lied to others about his age). Then it was other "small lies", finally lies about two different women he was writing love letters to and calling. I have told him the one thing I won't tolerate is dishonesty, that it's imperative I can trust him. But then I discovered another (major to me) lie last week. I agree with the majority here who say that if honesty and trust are important to you in a relationship, you're not going to get it from this guy!

    That said, best of luck to you! I realize it won't be easy breaking it off.

  • Strider303 Salt Lake City, UT
    July 1, 2014 1:31 p.m.

    IMO Run, do not walk, to the nearest emotional exit. This is an accident waiting to happen.

    It is impossible to tell just one lie. Why he is lying is not important, the issue is that he is and most likely will continue to lie. To you. When he wants to. When he feels he can get away with lying.

    I suggest that you stay within your broad age group for dating. To him and his circle of friends, you are "arm candy".

    If he's your "man", how many other women have felt the same way? Without more data I suggest he is unable to commit, and in the long run he will emotionally drain you and leave for another woman. Possibly, for him, the thrill is in the "hunt" and a new relationship. Just how many women has he dated and left?

    Talk to your mom, she's probably seen or heard of his kind before and can give some good advice.

  • Kay Hunt Celebration, FL
    July 1, 2014 9:13 a.m.

    When I was a teen I looked older. When I was 17 a guy asked me out while I was at work. I assumed he was 25. He assumed on was at least 19. No big deal. But after the 4th date we discussed our ages. Big deal! He was 35 and I admitted I was 17. We became very good friends and stopped dating. Lying in an adult relationship is wrong. Age should not matter as long as everyone is legal. Now I get carded when I want to use the senior discounts because I don't look old enough. The man must be very insecure if he has to lie.

  • Cats Somewhere in Time, UT
    July 1, 2014 8:34 a.m.

    No relationship can make it with someone who lies. Cut your losses and run right now. There is no future in this relationship. Besides, he's too old for you. He needs to grow up and date women his own age.

  • Hamath Omaha, NE
    July 1, 2014 4:34 a.m.

    Run and don't look back is certainly an overreaction.
    A flaw first discovered is exactly that... a flaw. You should continue looking at other situations too. Is this an issue with insecurity about his age? You saying "it doesn't bother me" doesn't mean it doesn't bother him. He shouldn't lie about it, but is this the only thing and something that you can talk through and help him see as something to change? And people can, if they chose too, change to say otherwise invalidates repentance.

    Anyway, once people are married, they always have other things to talk through too that are just as tough or tougher than this. Angie's right. Talk about it with him.

    But keep your eyes open. You will have to ask is it just this one issue or is this a trend?

    Remember also, you've got flaws too milady, not just "your man". I would say the same to most posters here. Let's remember that when we judge other's we are always in danger (and usually guilty of) looking at the mote in our brother's eye but ignoring the beam in our own.

  • deniron Effurun/Nigeria, 00
    July 1, 2014 1:33 a.m.

    It is dangerous I don't subscribe to it. Every man should desist from it because it affect the inner being. Be straight to your spouse or your would be spouse or any body. Who will be yours will be. With this stressful effort FATHER help the individual

  • Mike Orem, UT
    July 1, 2014 1:00 a.m.

    I find this man's repeated lying about his age troubling. That said, there are two sides to every story and I think you ought to due your reasonable due diligence to get to the truth.

    It is your prerogative to cut your losses and never talk to him again.

    It is also an option to sit down and have a chat with him and others he knows and do some research on this and get advice from trusted sources (parents, God, etc.) to see why he has been doing this. I have been acquainted with some men who have legitimate reasons for compulsive lying (physical/mental/emotional issues, addictions, insecurity, etc.).

    We just don't have the entire story, so I do not know why this man lied. But if you care for him and want to continue on, you must care for him, yourself, and this relationship enough to get straight to the unvarnished truth.

    I would not personally recommend staying with someone that much older than I was for a myriad of reasons, but the decision is ultimately yours.

  • Gildas LOGAN, UT
    June 30, 2014 10:53 p.m.

    This seems pretty straightforward to me: it's very likely he lied about his age initially because he didn't think you would be interested with such a large age difference. Most young women wouldn't and you are an exception. Perhaps he thought that 36 would be more acceptable than 42 and then, as you seemed to really like you, he did level with you.

    It doesn't sound like "random lying" at all. He misled you about one thing only apparently, intending to level with you gradually. Don't women do this at times? Not justifying it but, if he lied about nothing else, don't dump him too readily. In single wards many women will just plain not tell you their age as they know most men want children and some of the women are past the normal child-bearing years.

    I've noticed quite a lot of lying about age in genealogical research. Check it out very carefully by all means but advice to "run and never look back" seems a bit hysterical without further additional reasons. That's a large age gap and he probably thought it was more than you contemplated.

  • rlsintx Plano, TX
    June 30, 2014 8:04 p.m.

    Run. And don't look back.

    The corollary for middle aged men seems to singles who can't simply state how many times they've been married. I met a lady who said 2, then when I met her 1600 miles away, 2 turned into 4 (she married the same man twice, twice) and between those one marriage she doesn't count because it only lasted several months. Several times 2 has been 4, once 1 was 3. Done. Didn't even respond to the multiple emails chiding me for being short sighted and not continuing the relationship !

    If someone can't tell you just the facts, run. Don't walk.

    Good luck.

  • Brent T. Aurora CO Aurora, CO
    June 30, 2014 1:56 p.m.

    alanjones520 -- really? Yes, there certainly are relationships between people even decades apart in age (which works better as you get older, but 1)these should be based on honesty not a lie (which was the point of the letter to Angela) and 2)ought to be approached as a rare occurrence... In other words a man getting back into the dating pool (after divorce or death of a spouse) shouldn't be trolling for women so much younger than him that he'd feel compelled to hide his age... and 3) if a relationship hinges upon such a ruse, how shallow and meaningless is this relationship in the long term?

    Still comes back to honesty, how silly this small lie is, the strong sign that other things would be lied about, and points to insecurity which isn't a great thing either.

  • Itsme2 SLC, UT
    June 30, 2014 1:50 p.m.

    She should break up with the guy. Why is a 42-year-old looking to date someone who is 26? If I were the woman, I'd tell him goodbye. He's obviously very immature for his age.

  • Firefly123 Mapleton, UT
    June 30, 2014 1:31 p.m.

    Men that old who want to date someone that much younger have issues. None of those issues are good ones. Cut and run.

    An elderly family member has always lied about her age, which is so ridiculous. Now in her mid-80's, she still thinks people "assume" she's in her sixties, when anyone with a brain can count those wrinkles and age spots and know instantly. Surgery, Botox and Lady Clairol can't cover everything. (She gets furious at her daughter, who proudly admits she's sixty, because her friends may figure out she probably didn't give birth at age four.)

    I understand those who talk about "pressures to marry" but this writer never said the guy had always been single. For all we know, he could be divorced several times, or a serial "marry-murder-inherit" guy. I'm with cutting your losses and running, but should you be stupid enough to stay, get a good private detective and a full background check on that liar before proceeding further. Lying is never a good thing.

  • crimendelsiglo Spanish Fork, UT
    June 30, 2014 1:19 p.m.

    if the relationship was heading to the altar, be glad you found out before shelling out the $$ or a license - how long did he plan to wait before telling truth ? liars know they will be caught. he gambled

    whoever called you on the "my man" phrase, hoorah ! you could have say "my insecure boy" and i wouldn't have reacted to "my man"

    your language has to mature too

  • penpix NORCROSS, GA
    June 30, 2014 12:49 p.m.

    I have an adopted teen with a personality disorder, coupled with a compulsive lying issue. After 10 years of therapy there is no one they will not lie to, and nothing they won't lie about. Anyone who lies at the start of a relationship has a problem. My teen lies incrementally as your guy did. He has a problem, a very real one, and I wholeheartedly advise you to not let him become or continue to be your problem. He must learn to be truthful and responsible for his actions, and you should not attempt to fix him yourself. Even therapists tend to get upset when dealing with patients with this problem.

  • Pasmith St Petersburg, FL
    June 30, 2014 12:46 p.m.

    Unfortunately you can never completely know another person, their motivation or what goes on in their head. I thought my husband was nothing but honest but found out years later that their were lots of lies. He even told my daughter to lie to me once.(She promptly told me)

    He is a good man and we are still together and have worked through a lot of things.

    My point is that men are like little kids. They lie because the don't want to get into trouble. No matter how great a guy is, you have no way of knowing if he is completely honest. Like it or not that is a fact.

    I would do as Angela suggests and explain how important honesty is to you and continue that dialog. If you feel he is worth the effort, invest time in continuing this dialog and learn to "read" him. We are all a work in progress.

  • alanjones520 Tustin, CA
    June 30, 2014 12:32 p.m.

    Wow, a lot of negative advice. As someone who lost his wife and has tried to get back into dating I can tell you that people are very shallow about age. I see people say things like I want a man between 31 and 38, or 24 to 32, etc. The society we live in has changed dating and romance to a match of statistics. Age, height, weight, hair and eye color, etc. It is more like shopping at a grocery store. I have not lied about my age but I can certainly see why someone would. They would hope that once you get to know them, that them being outside some random narrow age range would not matter to you. So I guess I am saying that just because someone felt pressured to lie about their age does NOT mean they lie about other things. Maybe they can be trust in all other ways. My grandfather was just over 20 years old than my grandmother and they lived very happily for the rest of their lives.

  • AskAngela SALT LAKE CITY, UT
    June 30, 2014 11:18 a.m.

    We're talking about this on the Facebook page, but, let's say you do lie about something dumb - what's a "relationship saving" way to come clean? Any ideas? What advice would you give the man in her life?

  • vangroovin West Jordan, UT
    June 30, 2014 11:17 a.m.

    Honesty is the best policy. If he's not being truthful with you now, chances are it will get worse as time goes by. Be honest with yourself and don't settle for someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

  • Deliriousdd Benicia, CA
    June 30, 2014 11:00 a.m.

    I think if he would lie about his age, he will lie about other things too. I agree with Angela, opt for friendship instead. As Dr. Phil always says, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior"

  • MrNirom1 Portland, OR
    June 30, 2014 10:23 a.m.

    It is not only men that do this.. Women do to. Lucky for me I was involved in the beginning stages of a relationship where we were texting alot. In her on line profile she stated she was 32. Later in a conversation.. she said she was 36. She even told me her birthday was on Sept 17th. Later.. when I questioned her age.. she said she was 34 and told me her birthday was Jan 1. Now.. had I not had all her texts recorded so I could actually go back and see what she said.. I would have probably not noticed.

    I dropped her that same day.

    I will not lie about my age.. or anything. If I am asked.. I will answer truthfully. If I can do it.. then I can expect the same from the person I am wanting to spend the rest of my life with.

  • armbe Las Vegas, NV
    June 30, 2014 10:18 a.m.

    Run far, run fast, and don't look back!!!!!! This is probably not the first lie he has told you, and definitely won't be the last. There will ALWAYS be some really good reason why he just "had" to lie. Get away now!

  • name_withheld Cedar Hills, UT
    June 30, 2014 10:10 a.m.

    Lying about "random" things is a sign that there are much bigger lies as well. Some people are so accustomed to lying that they do it about things that don't even make sense to be lying about.

  • djofraleigh raleigh, NC
    June 30, 2014 9:53 a.m.

    We like to see what we want to see, so our own eyes lie to us. Drop the liar, of course. Compare driver license pictures and check the age of the next guy, and address. When you meet someone in a social circle their long time friends will be a help on checking out the person. Beware of anyone without long time, or close friends.

  • Brent T. Aurora CO Aurora, CO
    June 30, 2014 9:48 a.m.

    How hard would it be to look at this guy's driver's license or otherwise discover how old he is. Fudging a year or two might be tough to trace, but a gap this large would be tenuous to maintain. It's dumb thing for him to do, especially over an extended (dating) period of time). So yeah, if lies about something like this -- RUN!

  • JonathanPDX Portland, Oregon
    June 30, 2014 8:59 a.m.

    Someone who is supposedly in an important relationship with you lies (no only once, but multiple times) about something as trivial as their age...this gives me pause to wonder what else they might be lying about.

    Let go of your ego and take along, hard look at this person and how you want your relationship to work. Only you can decide if you're comfortable with deceit now and most likely in the future.

  • ER in AF Harare, Zimbabwe, 00
    June 30, 2014 8:48 a.m.

    People who lie tend to lie. But some people have a single blind spot. Age. It can be a real touchy issue. He may have only this one real problem (OK, he has others, but don't we all-even dotgone).

    Totality of the relationship. Lies don't stay covered. Give him some line, he will either lie about other things or you will find he is weird about age and that's it. If you like him, give him a shot. If you are already seeing other areas he is not entirely truthful, cut him loose.

    About dotgone. As with many things in moderrn society, a guy doggin' on a woman is "wrong". Well, women are "right" and always the ones who need to be protected. "Men" are all "bad", if all "good" women banded together and held "men" to their high standard then "good" women" would be protected from "bad" men. It is a 25%/75% relationship. Sometimes it is the eoman's part to give 25% to give and sometimes it is the 75%. The same as for men. It is never an equal relationship. Someone has to sacrifice, sometimes its the guy and sometimes its the girl.

  • Philippine Bonita Sammamish, WA
    June 30, 2014 8:47 a.m.

    I have a relative who might match the description of this girl's beau. Except the story is a little different. When they started dating, she said that there was an age difference and that it did not bother her. My brother looks quite young so he asked her how old she thought he was. She ASSUMED he was about 27. She was in her mid 30's. She thought SHE was older than HE was and that did not bother her. When he told her she had it wrong and that HE was actually older than SHE was, now it was a problem for her. She didn't mind being 9 years older than he was, but she didn't like being 6 years younger than him. He never lied. She assumed.

  • Dave Duncan Orem, UT
    June 30, 2014 8:45 a.m.

    If you entertain ANY thought of continuing this relationship (which you shouldn't) then PLEASE pay the $35 or so to at least do an online background check on him. That might be overkill in most situations, but certainly not in a case where someone has already lied to you more than once. But I agree with Angela and so many others. Cut your losses now, and find someone you can trust.

  • toosmartforyou Farmington, UT
    June 30, 2014 8:03 a.m.

    He's sensitive because he's older and not married. (And believe me, there's a lot of social pressure in the Church for men to get married earlier.) Has he been married before and hiding that, too? He should have said he was "older" and then you should have not pressed him about it until it mattered, if it does matter, but allowed him to respond truthfully. There's a big difference between 28 and 42. You could ask him which high school he attended and then check on what year he graduated, but that shouldn't really be necessary, should it?. Not telling the truth is problematic, as years ago I told my young son I caught in a lie, because after that you are caught no one will trust you again. He stopped it immediately. This guy, however, hasn't been caught enough. Maybe your giving him the heave-ho will help him decide a life of honesty is preferred. It's possible that this is a major reason he's single at this point in his life. I agree with Oh Really? on their point.

  • Oh Really? HERRIMAN, UT
    June 30, 2014 7:49 a.m.

    There are way to many great guys out there to waste your time with questionable ones. Some are your age, some are older, none of them lie.

  • David Lloyd-Jones Toronto, 00
    June 30, 2014 7:48 a.m.

    "My man" He keeps lying about his age?

    Surely this is a misprint. Wasn't it "My man keep lyin' 'bout his age"?

    To be serious about it: people who think of their partners as property to be possessed can't be expected to master grown-up English, and to edit what they say into normality is to disguise the seriousness of their problem.


  • Twin Lights Louisville, KY
    June 30, 2014 7:40 a.m.

    Sensitivity about age is one thing. Lying like this is another. There is the additional issue that he appears to be lying in order to date much younger. Not that age alone is necessarily the issue. But lying in order to date younger I think puts a negative spin on all of this.

  • chazkron Salt Lake City, UT
    June 30, 2014 7:37 a.m.

    Angela nailed this advice. Especially because he is actually 47.

  • dotGone Puyallup, WA
    June 30, 2014 7:36 a.m.

    Liars lie! Expect more dishonesty if you stay with him. Ugh! If a person can't be honest, what use is he? Ugh! If women would put up with less nonsense from men, men would behave better - all women across the board, across the world, have some standards!!! Women seem to put up with anything because they are so desperate to "nest"... and then men do what they know they can get away with - and then we complain? nope! Women with low standards have taught men they can still get what they want even if they are appallingly misbehaved.

  • EnglishAlan Rugeley, Staffs
    June 30, 2014 7:26 a.m.

    If he can lie so easily about his age, what else is he lying about? I think that, although breaking up is hard, living with a liar will bring about more pain over a longer period.

    Make sure you truly know this man before you commit to any marriage commitments. It is easier to get out of a celibate relationship than it is to get out of a marriage, especially one where children are born within the marriage. The pain you would feel then would be huge for you, but worse for these children.

  • LittleStream Carson City, NV
    June 30, 2014 7:08 a.m.

    I'm 69 so have had some experiences that this young woman has not had. But I have learned two profound things: first, if you are staying in a relationship because you think you can change him, that won't work. Second, if he will lie about trivial things, he will certainly lie about big things. He might make a good friend, however I don't think I have friends that lie to me. This would be a good time to cut your losses.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    June 30, 2014 5:51 a.m.

    Humility is more important than companionship. It's shows devotion to God.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    June 30, 2014 5:32 a.m.

    Humility is the best defense from being humiliated.