Preventing broken marriages from breaking kids

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  • kargirl Sacramento, CA
    April 3, 2014 9:34 p.m.

    No one outside any marriage can truly judge the marriage, or whether or not it should remain intact. Not every couple, no matter how badly battered their marital relationship has become, cares to hang it all out their like a reality show for the entire world to see and judge; even at that, no one could see their hearts and minds. So can we please all agree, this has to be a call made by the two people in the marriage? Given that, what we can discuss is the premise of the article: being as kind as possible to the children as we can, and allowing them to come through with the knowledge that they are not being divorced, but still retain the love of both of their parents. My kids' dad and I did that, and are still friends today. Can we stop looking for someone to blame? That helps no one.

  • JSB Sugar City, ID
    April 2, 2014 6:12 p.m.

    Re. Mom of six. Two wonderful people can make a marriage work. I've seen people stay married when one of them isn't ideal. I know women who get the baby blues and never come out of it. Their husbands know that a commitment is a commitment and they make the best of it. I know a woman whose husband was psychologically damaged in the war. She knew he wasn't the cause of his problems and has stayed with him. In both these cases the children were blessed because they didn't have to go through the agony of a divorce and they respect the stronger parent because of their devotion and example.

  • Jim Cobabe Provo, UT
    April 2, 2014 5:27 p.m.

    The prospects of divorce are a horrifying outcome of a marriage that was intended to be a lasting committment. Everyone loses. While I have no doubt that there are effective strategies for reducing the pain of destroying a family, and mitigating the ill effects, there is no denying that on any level playing field, an intact traditional marriage is best for healthy happy families.

  • Shane333 Cedar Hills, UT
    April 2, 2014 4:01 p.m.

    Mom of Six,

    I'm convinced that almost any two people can make a marriage work if BOTH are completely devoted to the other. Divorce never "just happens". It may be the result of poor choices going into the marriage. It may be because a spouse is abusive, adulterous, irresponsible with money, withholds physical intimacy, or neglects the other spouse in some other way. It may be the sad result of mental illness. It doesn't, however, "just happen." It can almost always be linked to selfishness on the part of one or both partners.

  • ThornBirds St.George, Utah
    April 2, 2014 2:43 p.m.

    50 years later, my brother and I still feel the pain of our parent's divorce.
    Lovely that adults can "work together for the sake of the kids", but they must understand that does not take away children's pain.
    Second and third, etc. marriages?
    Well good for you, hope eventually you get it right.
    However, obviously, that still does not change the first sentence of this post.

  • Mom of Six Northern Utah, UT
    April 2, 2014 1:06 p.m.

    Although I have been in a happy marriage for a very long time, those who are saying that all divorces can be prevented are seriously wrong on this issue. Sometimes divorce just happens. You can have two wonderful people who should have never been married to begin with or you may have people in an extremely violent relationship that should end it. The point of the article is that when divorce happens it is time to be the "adult" and remember that if there are kids in the relationship to do the right thing by them. Too many times as a teacher, I see parents who use their children as a "toy" to fight over. The results are horrendous when children are used as a pawn in the game their parents play.

  • Lilalips Attleboro, MA
    April 2, 2014 12:35 p.m.

    No Llew, a good second or third marriage is not built on a "rock" of a successful divorce. A good second or third marriage is built on what any good marriage is built on; mutual trust, kindness, respect, fidelity and so on. Simply because a first or second marriage did not last is no reason to assume that NO marriage will last. Sometimes people take awhile to learn to choose to give or to choose a person worthy of trust. Staying married for the sake of appearance isn't any better as it can cause extreme mental anguish. I know one woman who was committed to a mental hospital till she could give herself permission to get a divorce. Love, compassion, and a shoulder to cry on is what divorcing parents, and their children, need. It is a tragedy but one that will define us only as long as we allow it to. I've seen divorced parents work very well together. I've also seen them tear themselves and their children apart. Shall we go back to the past and force people to live in unhappy marriages? That has it's own lie that can affect children too.

  • Llew40 Sandy, UT
    April 2, 2014 10:34 a.m.

    As a child of the 80's whose parents split due to their own selfish reasons there is and never will be such a thing as a "good divorce" and we must stop this widespread idea that a good(second or third) marriage is built on the rock of a successful divorce. It's a lie.

  • JSB Sugar City, ID
    April 2, 2014 10:16 a.m.

    Before a divorce, ask yourself: Is my happiness more important than the happiness of my children? Whatever pain you are feeling, it probably won't equal the pain your child will feel. multiply that by the number of children involved and you have a huge amount of pain. Most divorces are preventable if the parents would just grow up and realize that love is not just a feeling but a behavior; a way you act toward someone else. It's not what's in it for you; but what's in it for your spouse.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    April 2, 2014 9:48 a.m.

    You can't change anyone for you, they change because they want to.

  • Shane333 Cedar Hills, UT
    April 2, 2014 9:28 a.m.

    The best way to protect and care for the children is for BOTH spouses to make each other a priority and thus prevent a divorce in the first place. As SomeClarityPlease has mentioned, less selfishness and more devotion from both spouses would go a long way to prevent the problem.

    A challenge is that one spouse can't do it alone. BOTH must be devoted 100% to the marriage relationship.

  • SomeClarityPlease Quiet Neighborhood, UT
    April 2, 2014 9:01 a.m.

    Even better advice for the welfare of the children would be to be less selfish in the first place and live up to your commitments and not divorce. Yes, there are extreme cases that might merit divorce, but there are also a lot of frivolous divorces out there, too. Be more understanding of your spouse and their flaws and take your efforts to a higher level.