11 things you should know about the older Mormon YSA crowd

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  • AC_68 Provo, UT
    Aug. 9, 2015 12:56 p.m.

    I'm surprised there is no mention of Scripture in these comments.

    1 Corinthians Chapter 7 - (Better to remain single! if at all possible)

    St Matthew 19:10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. ... He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

    Point in the mirror smile then say, "Thank God I'm single!" Every day! 8)

  • 65TossPowerTrap Salmon, ID
    April 2, 2015 8:21 a.m.

    So when do we hear a General Conference talk chastising single women for not being married? We've heard that talk for single men.

  • teach1979 Lehi, UT
    April 1, 2015 11:31 a.m.

    None of you can say what she "should" be doing to get married. Your situation is not her situation. I know there are generalizations, but, in the end, our lives are individual, as well as God's plan for our lives. I am a 36 year old single sister. I've never been married or close to it. I'm not all that interested in it. I used to be, believing that being single meant I had done something wrong. Then I got involved in things that made me happy as a single woman. Many of the blissfully married will say I'm selfish, and maybe that's true. I grew up with temple-married parents who did work on their marriage. However, they weren't great at being parents, and it was a toxic, horrible situation. I don't know that I can avoid bringing that into a marriage. Maybe I can. Right now, I'm not interested. And that's my decision. She says things I both agree and disagree with, but don't say what she "should" be doing. She receives revelation for her life, just like I receive it for mine and you receive it for yours.

  • juan ricardo cookeville, TN
    April 1, 2015 10:58 a.m.

    As a single LDS member I hear this stuff I the time. My reason for being single at this time is because the person I want most has passed on. I tend to keep this to myself because trying to tell this to church leaders leaves negative responses. I rather let them think in those 11 items than tell the real reasons. It is safer that way.
    For me it is about the girl who died of leukemia. My hope is that when I die we will be reunited and live ever after. Sometimes there aren't any substitutions for the one you love the most, even in death.

  • cjb Bountiful, UT
    April 1, 2015 10:54 a.m.

    Judging from her picture, the person who wrote this article is attractive. Judging from her writing her personality seems okay.

    My question is .. If she wants to get married, what is stopping her?

  • Swiss Miss Bethlehem, PA
    April 1, 2015 8:51 a.m.

    I think many of the commentators here are missing the point. Marriage is a downright miracle whenever it happens. Just because Katie isn't married at 29 does not at all mean that something is wrong with her. Many people who are married younger easily throw judgment on those who do not get married so fast. Married couples: be grateful for what you have. Singles: don't let unthoughtful comments from others get you down.

  • Tiah St. George, UT
    April 1, 2015 8:24 a.m.

    29 and not married? I know it's not easy. It seems the older you get the harder it gets to find a good person to spend life and or eternity with. I'm 62 and I've unfortunately been burned one to many times. I've discovered I'm happy with who I am and my circumstance and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

  • greatbam22 andrews afb, MD
    April 1, 2015 7:52 a.m.

    "Though we might not know exactly what we're looking for, we know it will be worth the wait."

    Wouldn't this be one of the first things you would want to figure out?

    Shouldn't you kind of have an idea of the person you want to marry?

    To me it seems like if you don't know what you are looking for then how will you know when you've found it?

    It seems to me like if you find someone that fits most of what you are looking for then you should go for it.

    The guy or gal may be a bit of a fixer upper but if there is only a few things that bother you about them then why not?

    I watch a lot of HGTV shows and it seems like most people are not enthusiastic about fixer uppers. It seems this could apply to the dating scene as well.

    I wonder if many are like the people who see fixer uppers for the first time and can't see anything they like until the contractor points out what they can do with the place.

  • shark Buena Vista, VA
    April 1, 2015 6:31 a.m.

    If there are older YSAs, are there younger OSAs?

  • nicholdraper West Jordan, UT
    April 1, 2015 6:04 a.m.

    Why do people think they can ask people "why are you not married?" As if that is an acceptable question. That falls into the list of offensive questions like "Why didn't you go on a mission?" and my favorite most offensive question "are you done having children?"

  • 1Reader Sunnyvale, CA
    April 1, 2015 12:25 a.m.

    Regarding the 11 points...
    1) Yes, non older YSAs really DO already understand these things.
    2) Some of these are actually at least partially incorrect--but she probably won't realize it until she's been married for a while.

  • gdog3finally West Jordan, Utah
    March 31, 2015 11:14 p.m.

    29 years of age seems old to some in the LDS faith. It did to me when I was at that age and going to YSA wards. I didn't get married until I was 33. Now 11 years later I am married with three boys ages 10,7, and 6. The paradigm of our lives can quickly materialize/change. Perhaps the message here is to be ready where you can and embrace the positive changes that come. Missing the way life used to be (i.e. alone time) sometimes creeps in but I don't have time to get lost in that. Before you know it your kids will be grown and and out of the house. In a sense, I realize my wife and I will have quiet time before we want it. In the the meantime I guess it's blissful chaos. My former life seems like a lifetime ago and it's almost impossible to think of life having great purpose without my kids now. Life of course has purpose for all. I will say to the single, keep searching for a heart of gold. God willing, you find it. Then honor it.

  • cjb Bountiful, UT
    March 31, 2015 10:13 p.m.

    I disagree marriageor can and does create happiness. Perfect happiness? No A lot of happiness? Yes.

  • Vladhagen Salt Lake City, UT
    March 31, 2015 10:04 p.m.

    One thing not mentioned so far is that Katie sings in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. She is an accomplished young lady. Who cares what her age is. Sadly the LDS Church has far too many hubristic married people who think that just because they are married they are the exalted ones or something. They fathom themselves qualified to speak on behalf of the brethren. They see themselves as social scientists. They feign they have the answers. Leave single people alone and tend your own garden.

  • Llew40 Sandy, UT
    March 31, 2015 9:50 p.m.

    This is a great article and I agree with almost everything in it except Number 7. If the author knows so many fantastic, celibate, temple-marriage-minded YSA men who date with an eye toward creating an eternal family then I hope she's anxiously engaged in setting up her single girlfriends with these men. Seriously, can you pass along my number? I know so many never married single adult women who are frustrated by men who don't share the same standards and principles they do. And the older you get, the harder to keep up this attitude.

  • Frozen Fractals Salt Lake City, UT
    March 31, 2015 9:01 p.m.

    Obviously this was written with the church in mind, using the term YSA, but it pretty much applies to just about everyone of that demographic. I could relate to a lot of it.

    "One unique thing among the LDS community especially in Utah is most young people are married by age 25 ...much lower than the national average"

    It's always kinda interested me how that tendency would exist while at the same time the church is more eternity focused when it comes to marriage, so one would almost thing that'd lend itself to being slower to marry since there's arguably more riding on the decision than other faiths would view with it.

    @caleb in new york
    "If an LDS female who looks like that would focus her efforts more on marriage instead of on defending herself, she probably could be married reasonably quickly."

    It's more of a focus when you're writing an article about it; doesn't speak much about day to day focus. Also, if her looks are the thing that makes or breaks a marriage offer, she'd be better off declining it.

  • Pragmatic Salt Lake City, UT
    March 31, 2015 7:57 p.m.

    I believe the LDS Church has good intentions for it's single adult programs. And I am sure there are some who like them very much. My opinion of them is and was not positive. It seems like an extension of high school and you have a group of mature people acting like immature high school kids. It's a very strange dynamic.

  • Little Andy Tremonton, UT
    March 31, 2015 7:50 p.m.

    I don't know if the writer reads these comments but I hope she does. You said everything exactly right and perfect. Sounds like there are some guys who missed the boat on you. I too went through all this and more. I was " a really nice guy but." Thank you for your courage. You passed this test with flying colors sis.

  • Forizzle Ashton, ID
    March 31, 2015 7:34 p.m.

    I was married at 27 and I started to worry, but I found that the biggest thing is to not be self-absorbed and worry about the silly things like, "oh she did not text me or she talks too much." In marriages we have to communicate in every aspect, including when you are going to be home from school, or what you said to someone. I found that the older I got the more desperate I became and the more I dated and the more I made a fool of myself. But with the help of the Lord and some great times on my knees I found my spouse. Anyone who is married will know that it takes a lot of work. Also when married your spouses debt becomes your debt, anything that bothers your spouse will bother you, but you both have to work through it. I know some wonderful people who are in their 30's who have not been married as well. I cannot judge them for it. I just know that what I said is what I wish I would have known to help me sooner. I just feel that it is the refiners fire.

  • Kelliebelle66 West Jordan, UT
    Jan. 9, 2014 7:59 a.m.

    To all those criticizers out there this was just an article on one point of view about being a single YSA. The woman who was over 50 and never had an opportunity at marriage who thinks that what this 29 year old has to say isn't as important because she is a younger woman needs to look outside herself a bit more. She could learn something from this article even at her age. And then the person who says instead of thinking about these things and writing the article the author should focus her attention on getting married made me laugh. People cannot know everything about the author from one article. I actually felt that she feels it is important to be married but is trying to create understanding so people know where YSAs are coming from. Let's face it, people do react the way she says. My sister is divorced and so often married LDS women are so thoughtless with the things they say and do not understand her situation as a single mom trying to raise a son. This is just one person's point of view, take it in, and try to learn something from her perspective.

  • tflink Pleasant Grove, UT
    Dec. 4, 2013 1:11 p.m.

    I had the opportunity to meet Katie briefly a while back, she is a kind person and an incredibly accomplished woman. Its a little funny that she be the one to write this article being that any guy with half a brain would be lining up to date this incredible human being. I hope life treats you well Katie!

  • SlopJ30 St Louis, MO
    Nov. 25, 2013 8:58 a.m.

    Strider303 says: "Mature women do not want to raise a husband . . I feel that many men are adult teen-agers . . no blessing will be denied (women) if they are faithful and true though single. I have not heard any such promise to single men."

    I can't believe no-one has called you out on this uncharitable attitude. No sane man should consider marrying a woman with this POV. If I were to write that "many" women are controlling, humorless nags, I would get, shall we say, "constructive feedback" -- immediately, with extreme prejudice.

    What you describe as immaturity often comes down to a playful, laid-back nature which can be a great asset to a family's emotional well-being, especially if the other spouse is a little more "intense." And yes, I am describing my own situation. My wife of 18 years has a tendency to be uptight and humorless, and I tend to be a joker. We balance each other out.

    The most “mature” of my peers are also the most dour and stiff people I know. If long faces, disapproving glances and conspicuous "righteousness" get you into heaven, they have their admission ticket punched.

  • ShmittyWitty Maple Valley, WA
    Nov. 24, 2013 5:17 p.m.

    How about this. Get rid of the age limits on YSA wards and make it a ward for all single adults regardless of age! That way people after 30 can still have an opportunity for temple marriage. There is no need to segregate adults by age.

  • tmr78 El Cajon, CA
    Nov. 24, 2013 10:25 a.m.

    Long gone from the YSA program but the mother of a 27-year old YSA daughter, I appreciate your comments. We often have discussions on these very points you mention and I feel the pressure even distress she feels when people assume she isn't trying hard enough or whatever the case may be. I've seen a growing number of beautiful, educated, spiritual, active, grounded, enthusiastic YSA Women striving to be women of God, serving and happy in their individual circumstances. Of course she would like to meet the right young man who will become her eternal companion, but I believe the Lord is mindful of us and our circumstances and someday, whether in this life or the next all these blessings shall be ours...and yours. Thank you for having such a positive attitude. I will be sure to share your post with my daughter.

  • Captain Jack Sparrow Medford, OR
    Nov. 24, 2013 9:16 a.m.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter. I admit that I have often wondered why certain girls weren't married by now and then I realize that the dating pool in my area is pretty small. I'm not saying that the gents aren't bad fellows in my ward, but I guess they and the girls just don't click on that level. Some do which is good. Thanks again for your opinion.

  • CBMesa Gilbert, AZ
    Nov. 22, 2013 4:30 p.m.

    As a 28 year old single adult, I am blown away at some of the commentary for this article. Many are positive and supportive, but there is a lot more negative comments than I expected. From someone who's marriage ended because of the grievous sins of another, I implore everyone to not pass judgement on someone because they are single. We rarely ever have all the facts. We are each individually responsible to work out or own salvation, and telling others "you're doing it wrong" isn't helpful or necessary.

  • The Caravan Moves On Enid, OK
    Nov. 21, 2013 4:40 p.m.

    Statement #9: "We'd rather be happily single than married and miserable."

    True. I've been married for 25 yrs and have 4 kids. Is it cake every day? What?, are you kidding me? Uh, no.

    However, sometimes I wonder if maybe #9 sometimes isn't used as an excuse for young single adults. I'm not saying this author uses it as an excuse, but I bet sometimes some of the single crowd does.

    Marriage is never going to be perfect. Look, date, fast, pray (and I DO mean fast and pray.....a LOT!) but don't ignore the quiet whisperings of the Spirit. The Holy Ghost doesn't always dispaly a "yes" answer with a massive fireworks show.

    Good luck to us all, single and married, to make our most precious relationships icons of strength and beauty.

  • JimET Ventura, CA
    Nov. 19, 2013 9:24 p.m.

    Firefly 123 - Bitterness ended a long, long time ago. Most of the single women 40-65 in my stake are either single mothers with budding relationships that I see for the most part becoming eternal partners, which I am joyfully happy for. or those tending to be older are what I call "temple widows", those who have lost their sealed partner because of tragedy of death (heart attacks, disease and such). Most are very socially supportive of each other including myself because I immerse myself with them with the best positive attitude I can muster. And there are just a few that have no interest in having a relationship with anyone, much less myself despite the church's coaxing of attaining partners in the gospel. With heart disease getting ready to claim my life in a few years, I'm prepared to go it alone in the next estate. There were some holy prophets that never married, so what level will they deserve in the celestial kingdom? I'd like to believe that despite that marriage/sealing is to happen in this mortality, there must be a solution for those who never had the chance nor could marry before passing on. Positive attitude!

  • portlander Arlington, WA
    Nov. 19, 2013 3:21 p.m.

    So many young women, by the time they have gotten to the "pushing 30" crowd, sometimes have lots of baggage if they were previously married, or they may also have "serious commitment" phobia. Whatever the case may be, it is much more difficult than one might expect to find the "perfect mate" during those years.

    Sister Bastian looks from her photo and from her "blog" to be a very desirable young woman, but again, it's just not that easy to go from where she may be to being a man's eternal companion. (I know. I dated a young woman who was very much the same as Sister Bastian. About the same looks and age. About the same level of intelligence and testimony, I believe. We even got engaged eventually, but alas, it was not to be.

    However, because she desired those great blessings, she kept at it, overcame whatever it was, finally found a great man, and is now happily married, for probably the last 18 or 19 years. And so am I. (I married outside the Church, remained a faithful Latter-day Saint, and we are now sealed for eternity, with our 2 children.)

  • portlander Arlington, WA
    Nov. 19, 2013 2:46 p.m.

    First of all see Matthew 7:7 & 8 (Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.) Another favorite quote is: yougottawanna!

    When I suddenly became single at the age of 34, I was still young and handsome enough to think that I would eventually find someone ready to make a serious commitment to life, to the Gospel and to the Lord. But it wasn't so easy. First, I had to overcome my own hurting inside. Then, I had to date, date, date! And date some more. And it still wasn't easy!

  • Fern RL LAYTON, UT
    Nov. 19, 2013 1:21 p.m.

    There is one concept I didn't find in reading the previous comments: Instead of just looking for what you want in a spouse, look for flaws or handicaps that you can live with. No one is perfect, but if you can be honest with yourself you will realize that you can help another person with their struggles.

    I was 33 when I met and married my husband. Before that, I was praying to gain a good friend who holds the priesthood. I wanted a good man who would fit in well with my family and who would simply be someone I could love. I got all three when I looked across the room in business class and we smiled at each other simultaneously. [I had returned to college part time, because I had quit after struggling to make the grade for 4.5 years, and after 10 years working in an office.]

    We are still far from perfect, but I am grateful my husband is ambidextrous when I am clumsy. He knows whom to ask when the spell checker can't figure out the word he is trying to find, too.

    You're never too young or old to prepare, though.

  • raybies Layton, UT
    Nov. 19, 2013 8:07 a.m.

    This article demonstrates the sort of pressures and ridiculous stories that mid-single adults tell themselves. Singles tell themselves that the whole world is against them, and then they have to take a stand against all those terrible stories they believe others are saying against them.

    My thought is, get over yourself.

    Oh, and you DO NOT represent older singles. You are a midsingle. Older singles have a whole assortment of different trials, including REAL fears about their biological clocks, and about the large number of peers who have already tried marriage but are divorced, etc... these present a whole new set of pressures to life as being single.

  • Firefly123 Mapleton, UT
    Nov. 18, 2013 11:46 p.m.

    "You're just specialJimET?" Hmmmm. I detect more than a hint of bitterness in your email. At 60, you have a chance with all the women between 47 and 60 who were never married or were treated poorly and would adore having a kind and gentle man to love. As you've said, you "gave up in the early 90's" so why are you still blaming others?

    My husband said something very interesting the other day, as I remarked on the difficulty of his job, long commute, etc. He said he had determined to do good for that company. He personalized it. He's made it his mission in life to do the very best job he can do, and make the company for whom he works "the best in the business."

    I recognized myself in his analysis. He's done that with me, too! It's the reason we've had 34 years of a great life together, despite many hardships, including the death of a child. We put each other first. He is happiest when he does something to help my spiritual growth, with my own business, or even to celebrate something as silly as mastering a new yoga move.

  • JimET Ventura, CA
    Nov. 18, 2013 9:00 p.m.

    I agree with Mel50. I had a bad marriage at 21, divorced at 23. That was 37 years ago and it's been downhill ever since with sporadic dating (rare 2nd dates, never a 3rd date) and not a girlfriend or "significant other". I finally tossed in the towel and gave up in the early 90s when I realized I was best at just making friends of the opposite gender because all I met weren't interested in relationships. It may sound harsh, but I've found that a "look, but don't touch" philosophy has served me best since, but I still feel like a 5th wheel at church functions, social and spiritual. If the man upstairs has a plan for me, it looks pretty bleak at my current age of 60. Some people really do never find the "right one" no matter how much (or little) effort is made. I feel "nice guys" (I hate that term) do finish last, if they finish at all. My mother said it best 35 years ago "Your just special". Now I know what that means.........

  • midwest gal South Jordan, UT
    Nov. 18, 2013 5:52 p.m.

    @caleb in new york

    Amazingly, humans can walk and chew gum at the same time. And an LDS single woman can write an article to enlighten open-minded marrieds about a world they never experienced AND pursue marriage at the same time. To think otherwise is silliness. The writer's lack of marriage currently is no indication of her "lack of focus" or misunderstanding of the importance of marriage any more than your lack of understanding and judgment of her is an indication of your ability to be a loving husband and father. Wise up, brother.

    "Where much is given, much is expected and I think the post is too defensive. Instead of instructing all of the married people how to deal with singles more effectively, she ought to focus her efforts instead on pursuing marriage. Marriage is encouraged in the LDS faith not because it is easy to obtain or to maintain, but rather because talented faithful people can accomplish great amazing things when they put their mind to it. If an LDS female who looks like that would focus her efforts more on marriage instead of on defending herself, she probably could be married reasonably quickly."

  • Kjirstin Youngberg Mapleton, UT
    Nov. 18, 2013 2:21 p.m.

    "Infidelity, pornography, selfishness, abuse, manipulation and controlling spouses ... these are no longer things we just hear about, they are things that happen..."

    Many have become slaves to vile things which should never be let into a union as sacred as marriage. If you are struggling with any of these issues, seek help. It is available. It is necessary. You cannot have one foot in corruption and expect to take a worthy mate to the temple with the other.

    Google and Bing are your friends! Type in your problems, and relief will come. Some of the best people I know are those who overcame obstacles and are stronger as a result. They become better people for these struggles. Fix yourself first, and a way will be opened for your greater happiness in all facets of life.

    As a happily married woman, I also know I need to accept and embrace my single friends who may never marry in this life. It's OKAY! We love YOU! To be single is not to have failed, but to have accepted the path you currently walk. All paths are subject to change. Spouses can die or move on; life is constantly in flux.

  • Sue Haynie Medford, OR
    Nov. 18, 2013 11:47 a.m.

    What I love about this writer is her attitude. It doesn't matter what the situation is, everyone who has a visible "problem" is treated as if he or she created it. Those around the person need to do three things: First, we need to respect the person's ability to handle things him or herself. If we've ever had a problem, surely we thought at the time that we would rather deal with it ourselves than take every suggestion people around us had to offer. Second, we need to avoid the obviously pitiful comments like, "I'm so sorry." Especially when the "problem" is a life circumstance that's not going to change with the flip of a switch, we need to avoid making others feel as though they need to be depressed about the situation all the time. Third, we MUST treat the person the same as we would otherwise. Isn't that what we all want when we're going through something? Bravo, writer! Thanks for shedding some light!

  • RFLASH Salt Lake City, UT
    Nov. 18, 2013 9:52 a.m.

    Well, this seems very much like a Mormon point of view. I liked it. More people need to speak out a little. There are too many expectations put on people to conform and without trying to be rude, most Mormons could open up those eyelids just a little and consider something outside their own reality. I guess I say this because of who I am. I went through all of the single stuff only to deal with the reality of being gay! I often wonder how I get people to realize that much of what they think about gay people is not true.
    People have told me that they wouldn't care what somebody thinks. Well, that is easier said than done. I do care. I care because I grew up Mormon( here in Utah) and it was good. There are so many people I love and it is hard for me when people turn from me or when they don't share with me. Am I stupid to hope that people understand more? We are not all meant to be the same or do the same things in life!

  • djk blue springs, MO
    Nov. 18, 2013 9:29 a.m.

    read the pro's and con's concerning this article. interesting. yes i have met many never married or divorced. yes they put up a smile and say 'hey i am fine with being single' . but yet when i see them watch couples together at church, babies being blessed, baptism confirmations of young children, families sitting together i see a yearning in their eyes.
    i do see many wanting 'perfection' in a sweet heart. perfection does not come. happiness is created by yearning and wanting also praying for comfort . our Heavenly Father knows each of us and knows our earnest honest heart felt desires. for those never married or divorced i do not look at you as odd and ask 'when are you going to marry'. i think, 'do they expect to much out of a date ?' i have a child yearning for a sweetheart but is hit constantly with 'you are not popular, cool, wealthy, hold a position in the ward or stake that is a leader'. so does this make dating a challenge ? yes it does.
    pray, stick to your standards, live righteously and DO NOT expect perfection because YOU ARE NOT PERFECT

  • Daisy69 Lehi, UT
    Nov. 17, 2013 8:19 p.m.

    I was 28 when I got married in the temple. I was under pressure to find "someone". I agree that people should remain happy and single than be married and miserable. After 12 years of abuse, and a subsequent arrest of my husband, I filed for divorce. My advice - DON'T ignore red flags! They only get worse after you get married. I met my second husband on eHarmony and he is an awesome priesthood leader for our family. Don't compromise who you are just to get married! Write down at least 30 things you want in your spouse and don't compromise. And remember...you will attract the exact sort of person that you are - so if you want someone attractive, happy and spiritual, you need to BE attractive, happy and spiritual. Just sayin'.

  • redshirt007 tranquility base, 00
    Nov. 17, 2013 5:21 p.m.

    The elephant in the room is that a lot of us singles are just plain scared to get married. All my married friends are cowering to their wives or if they don't they are constantly bickering with them. I just don't need that even though I miss my late wife and being married. 50/50 should be 50/50. We don't need the same chauvinism from either side.

    And if you don't agree with me about the cause of so many LDS divorces and very late marriages you have to agree it's happening for some reason and it's not that we all don't like the idea of being happily married. Just the opposite.

    Nov. 17, 2013 3:25 p.m.

    I disagree with Skeptic, as a widow, senior member living in one of the few districts of the church in the US, the church offers more for my age range than any other church or organization. I have so many opportunities for service and time to do whatever I want. There are journals and books to write, callings to serve, places to travel, family to visit, genealogy to explore, gardens to plant, produce to preserve,slippers to knit, cooking for one to explore, young families to help (volunteer to babysit for a young family periodically) pets to love, walks to take, sunrises and sunsets to enjoy, languages to learn (struggling with Mandarin now.) I could go on and on. The church expands our vistas and most of the items I mentioned I learned or was encouraged to pursue from church influence. Look around in church, I bet there others that would appreciate your presence and wisdom.

  • Howard Beal Provo, UT
    Nov. 17, 2013 1:26 p.m.

    Try being a male in his early to mid 20's and NOT a returned missionary but one who wants to embrace the gospel. You might as well be a leper in the single ward scene. But over time, women seem to come around and will look at men a bit more beyond the RM thing and more about what you are at that point. Unfortunately, I hear people in church that say, I want my daughter to marry a RM. I just don't know what to do with that statement but it makes my stomach churn every time I hear it. I was glad my wife didn't judge me for what I was at age 19 or 20 but for what I was at age 31. But much of the time in between was sometimes very hard, especially if you wanted to date and marry within the active LDS community.

  • Sore loser tampa, fl
    Nov. 17, 2013 6:24 a.m.

    I believe most critical people are trying to compensate for their own problems and should be ignored.

  • rickdoctor Chandler, AZ
    Nov. 16, 2013 11:23 p.m.

    Ofttimes I wonder why we persist in making something so simple into something complex - just so we can manufacture more reasons to talk about it, rather than really understand it. Adam and Eve could have griped/whined about having no one else to consider, no real choice, no place to go out, dull life, hundreds of children to raise and worry about, none of the conveniences that they apparently saw in visions of their future generations, no recipe books, no baby sitters (for a while), some really horrible children, no TV, no running shoes, no hamburgers. But they were married and stuck it out together - by the sweat of their brows - never a free lunch, ever. You can't score if you don't shoot - Michael Jordan said he 'never made a shot he didn't take'. Get in the game; be social in many arenas; meet people of the opposite sex. Relax. Eternal life does not happen today. And none of us - NONE OF US - is or has married a perfect spouse. I agree with grandmagreat & Jeremy Parker - have a little faith. (PS I am on marriage #2, so no distorted view of happily-ever-after!)

  • zcott North Las Vegas, NV
    Nov. 16, 2013 11:20 p.m.

    "Over 40 you're no longer single; you're just alone" (some comedian)

  • Nate Pleasant Grove, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 7:46 p.m.

    Just an observation: people who think of themselves as guys and girls tend to stay single a lot longer than people who think of themselves as men and women.

  • kargirl Sacramento, CA
    Nov. 16, 2013 4:33 p.m.

    Katie, you're spot-on! You can't fix someone else, you can't complete someone else, you have to complete yourself, first, to be able to live so intimately with another. The father of my kids is a nice guy-but we didn't divorce because one of us was an ogre. Even being 23 and 24, we were not old enough, not wise enough, for marriage or parenthood. We're good friends, but with experience, are aware that it takes more than that to make a marriage. Each of us eventually found someone, much later, and lost him and her, through illness and death. But would we have made those marriages work at earlier ages? I don't know. I did learn the difference between dependency and interdependency and a whole lot more that enhanced my life--and I never expected. One thing for sure-it's better to wait until you know and like (LIKE) yourself, than to wait and hope you find out who you are or let someone else decide who you are, and whether or not you are likeable. Rock on, Katie!

  • CWEB Orem, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 3:58 p.m.

    Marriage really is a "Bed of Roses"... Pretty roses at one end, and mostly thorns and stems the rest... just say'n.

    I was much older than 29 when marrying for the first time. Had several close friends who were in the same boat. Several, including myself, were willing and matured enough to accept the responsibility of raising someone else's children...because certain husbands were vagrant fathers and husbands. Great...greatest blessing in my, and my friend's lives!

    When it is right, it happens, without forcing it. I once had a ride in a car with an Apostle, one on one...he married much later than the normal returned missionary...gave me great hope. I stopped worrying about it, and when "she" came into my life...it was plain and simple...but the WORK had only begun.

    Anyone who expects to marry and have it all be roses, or have all the money and "things" Mom and Dad had...well, wake up. It takes years and much labor. Oh, many young women have warped expectations of the young men providing it all right away...ain't happening...work hard together, and in 20 years, you can see prosperity...usually.

  • bretcliftawn Palo Alto, CA
    Nov. 16, 2013 3:55 p.m.

    I enjoyed and very much empathize (as a 32 year old single male) and agree with this article. These comments, on the other hand, are nothing but hilariously entertaining. So thank you to Katie for writing a good article and thank you even more to desnews readers who entertain me with their strong opinions!

  • nonceleb Salt Lake City, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 2:08 p.m.

    This is very insightful for those who are still single. But, what is being overlooked is that marriage and family is still considered the perfect panacea in Mormonism. It is still viewed as the only way you can achieve "complete" happiness and doctrinally the only way you can receive the "highest degree of glory" in the next life. Mormonism has lacked appeal to me personally because marriage and family is the only acceptable route in eternal progression. Little is offered to those who choose to remain single or divorced. For one thing, I would be expected to remain celibate my entire life. "Special Interest" and other programs do not really support or endorse a single lifestyle and overtly have the purpose of finding an "eternal" mate, no matter what age you are.

  • KekoW Heyburn, ID
    Nov. 16, 2013 1:47 p.m.

    I think that it is great that you are stating your opinion and feelings. I think it helps those who are not in your situation know what to say and how to stop saying things that may make you feel uncomfortable. Most of us feel that we don't fit into the "LDS Mold" because the mold is a guideline, no one has it all just yet. My point of this comment is to say that marriage is a choice. It isn't all about a feeling. It has to do with feelings but when it comes down to it, you choose. If you choose someone and they choose you back and you have similar beliefs, wants, and dreams you can make it with them. A big downfall of the world today is that people won't choose and then when they do they change their minds. I was older than most LDS girls when I got married and it didn't hit me like a bolt of lighting. We just simply liked spending time together, had similar beliefs and we CHOSE to marry. We have a very loving and healthy relationship. It is a choice not a feeling.

  • CynMin Orange, TX
    Nov. 16, 2013 1:40 p.m.

    Although I am not in the older YSA group, I find this article very uplifting. I come from a small ward and can not attend the YSA ward because of my work schedule. I am very lucky because I feel involved in my family ward, it is just the fact that my home teacher is of the older generation and expects me to be dating and getting married. I have a very full schedule and do not all ways have the time to date. I feel like the next time she tells me I need to work on finding a husband I might scream. I am only twenty-two, and I personally do not think I am ready to settle down, I have to much growing up to do.

    Nov. 16, 2013 1:39 p.m.

    What! A “male in the MSA demographic”? Are there also female demographics? As Mormons we live by the semi-annual scriptural ideals and then we enter into the world of demographics; where His ideals are turned upside down. Jesus said that marriage is an opportunity not available to all man and that this is the place where it should be done. I married an intelligent woman [19years old]. What happened – she needed a permission slip for from her parents to her Dean before we could get married, then she lost her Regents Scholarships in NY, including her parent’s financial support. At BYU, while finishing her master’s degree in psychology, her Advisor told her - you are married and don’t need this stipend, even though your grade point average is the highest in the program and now, retired child psychologist. Sisters, you ARE the offering of the Son of God to the natural man and by His Words we are judged. Strengthen the Sisterhood.

  • frugalfly PULLMAN, WA
    Nov. 16, 2013 1:36 p.m.

    Our society, single and married, has minimal concept of marriage, especially marriage as a divine vehicle in our eternal journey. Our individualistic self-centered concept of marriage cannot contemplate the eternal nature and transformative refinement in covenant marriage. Otherwise how can we compare marriage against "traveling to Europe" or "unawakened hours of continuous sleep" against raising other eternal beings or personal appearance/status against giving life to another? We still think that self satisfaction in marriage is the ultimate measurement of marriage. If marriage is ordained of God and essential for the eternal destiny of his children, then tell me how this article and each point, measure up against that statement. I believe the author is very charitable with others. The imperfection of marriage and the down right back breaking, soul wrenching, heart crushing self denial work of covenant marriage is how and why it is sweet, glorious, necessary and powerful! It changes our very nature. It is why it is essential for our eternal destiny. I realize how imperfect my concept of marriage is even after 16 years of being married to the most perfect person with all of her amazing imperfections.

  • countrylady1946 Frisco, TX
    Nov. 16, 2013 12:39 p.m.

    I think these comments are of great value not only to YSA men and women but to the SA men and women not only those who just graduated into SA but for those of us who have been here for awhile. I am 67 and I lost my husband am I going to marry again I don't know, but I do know that I trust that God has a great plan for me and I do not have to settle for the first one to come along. If you want the perfect relationship know what you want and be that person as well as wanting that type of person. The rest will work out as God planned it.

  • rlsintx Plano, TX
    Nov. 16, 2013 12:27 p.m.

    Wise young lady. Keep your head on your shoulders and realize that the person with stewardship to choose for you, is you. No one else.

  • DrGroovey Salt Lake City, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 12:08 p.m.

    I think some of the posters here, such as "#1 SLC Sports Fan" and "caleb in new york" have missed the point entirely.

    The author was not in any way defensive, she was only explaining her views based on her experiences. My reading of the modern prophets is that we should get married to the right person at the right time. That time can and does vary for different people. I have never seen the church teach that we should marry young just for the sake of marrying. To judge another for whether or not the time is right for them would be sinful on our part. The key is to follow the spirit and marry when the right opportunity comes along.

  • junkgeek Agua Dulce, TX
    Nov. 16, 2013 12:04 p.m.

    "#1 SLC Sports Fan" must either be a parody account, or someone who has no clue what LDS culture is anymore. We haven't counseled young men t oget married within 6 months since before my father came home, and he's dead (I was told to give myself a couple of years). And I honestly can't see what's negative about every young woman going on a mission -- in fact, within a couple of years girls who haven't served will have a black mark on their dating profile...

  • antodav TAMPA, FL
    Nov. 16, 2013 12:00 p.m.

    I disagree with all 11 of these based upon my experience as a YSA—during which I frequently had dark holes of emptiness and misery, was bitter towards the opposite sex, was bitter seeing others get married, felt self-pitiful at least, based a substantial portion of my self-worth on having a significant other, felt like I had few to no options for dating, stopped trying on a number of occasions, honestly believed that it wasn't going to work out and that I would be single forever, was quite miserably single and would have preferred a less than ideal marriage over what I had at the time, probably did have a great deal that was "wrong" with me in the eyes of most LDS women at least, and knew exactly what I was looking for but was impatient for it to arrive. It was quite a huge relief for me to find the one I am going to be with for eternity, and I have nightmares sometimes about finding myself still in the YSA ward alone, depressed, and feeling altogether useless.

    But I'm glad this girl is staying positive, at least.

  • JamesJonesLDS Salt Lake City, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 11:33 a.m.

    I love being engaged walking around the upper singles ward thinking, I beat you, and I beat you. It is like finally winning the dating game.

  • nikemvp3 Port Orchard, WA
    Nov. 16, 2013 11:27 a.m.

    I just moved back to Washington after spending four years in Utah to finish my education and I have to say this article sums up quite a bit about how some of us feel. It's not exactly a singles hotbed in my home state but I'm not bitter because I'm almost 33 and not married and I don't want to strangle people who ask me HOW I'm not. It's one of those things that will happen I'm sure, but when the time is right. Until then, I will keep moving forward, appreciating what I have, and not dwelling on what hasn't come my way yet. Thank you Katie for writing this and helping to remind us it's not the end of the world to be 29, 32, 53, or 80 and still single.

  • Supervixen Salt Lake City, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 10:48 a.m.

    A lot of great things are said here, its nice to see these things get a voice.
    I have to disagree however about your statement that as a single person, no one depends on you. I feel like this is a huge misnomer in the LDS culture about singles. Im a 30-something,single, never been married, woman. I have a lot that depends on me. My job, mortgage, pet, school loans, not to mention family and friends. The idea that single people simply have time on their hands to do what they want, when they want is a big misconception in this culture. I'd love to have 8 hours of sleep a night as you suggest but due to the things and people that depend on me, that doesnt always happen.
    As a single person does my schedule have maybe better flexibility versus a married with children? Probably, but not always.
    Keep in mind, singles are doing everything on their own. We dont have extra hands to help with day to day life and as we all know, things pile up quickly. On the flip side, we also dont need to apologize for enjoying the lives we've created.

  • mh11 Omaha, NE
    Nov. 16, 2013 10:33 a.m.

    Thanks for the article. Like everything, it's about maintaining perspective with whatever happens to us -- and it's an individual thing. I can still be happy as a young single adult, even knowing that I will open up the possibility for greater happiness in marriage. And I am!

  • danielPA Newcastle, WA
    Nov. 16, 2013 10:32 a.m.

    Jeremy made some great comments, but one I would re-word a bit: "Marriage is codependence". By common definition, that indicates some weekness; can't get along without bossing or leaning or clinging. Whether or not: I would like to introduce the word "interdependence". We are all interdependent on one another and particularly within family, but it's not a weekness or clinging.

    Lastly, Katie says the below, which rhymes correctly with "To marry a winner, be a winner":

    Will marriage add to our happiness? I sure hope so!
    Will it create it? Nope.
    There are too many young adults in our culture who expect a fairy tale marriage to magically make everything wonderful in their world. But you have to be whole as an individual before a relationship can be whole.

    Regardless of status, we all need to make ourselves complete and whole, gain knowledge and wisdom, read the best books, learn true charity compassion and empathy, and be passionate about the Lord and his Church and his plan. And yes, I know someone who talks to often about not having a fairy tale marriage. Not healthy to think that way.

  • pogo8702 SOUTH SALT LAKE, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:29 a.m.


    @Caleb in New York.... please.... I cannot believe you said that. Do you want to maybe re-think your stance a little? There are so many reasons a person is single, a lot of them are good. Church needs singles as well. We all have our way to serve and our needs to be dealt with as we grow up.

    @ everyone .... I've been in, out, and back in the singles world, now a single parent raising (well...housing is all it is now) a girl-child. I would not have missed this for anything. Served in major priesthood callings (still am) and I've long since forgotten about dating and etc.

    For those of you still looking at family wards like they are a dead-end to your life. There is no better place to learn service, selflessness and grow up. Go there now. They need you almost as bad as you need them. Get a calling and do it with relentless happiness...the bishopric will soon learn what strength singles can bring and life will get better from there on.

    take care....

  • fani wj, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:22 a.m.

    You're very attractive young lady, it seems finding a mate should not be an issue. There was an article on DN about marriage being not for me but the other person - it had some very great points on relationship. An auto mechanic once told me that 80-90% of fixing cars is identifying what the problem is. The fact that you had dates show there are people interested so that's not the problem. IF the problem of not connecting or communicating can't be identified, how can it be fixed? The hard part about this is no one can fix it except....?

  • kurguzy Sandy, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:20 a.m.

    It surprises me how you can read an article and not read the title. The title is about being an older YSA, not about being an older, single, adult member of the church. Give her a chance. Plus, I am sure there is a divorced guy out there who will marry her.

  • LauraLM61 Albuquerque, NM
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:11 a.m.

    I'm honestly baffled by some of the responses to this article. We discredit the message when we try to devalue and find fault with the messenger. If a fiftysomething had written it, many would find fault as well. She gets it.

  • rhappahannock Washington, DC
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:09 a.m.

    Once you have graduated from college and are in your 30s, it is time to be practical. That age is a common marriage age outside the LDS culture, and faithful LDS women should actively seek relationships with good, educated, financially stable non-LDS men. You will have a happier, more fulfilling life by marrying "outside the culture" and having a family, then marrying down "inside the culture" or staying in singles wards.

    Advice for teenagers and college kids, still learning to control their hormones, is far different from adults who have graduated from college, are working on their careers, and are much more stable. It is prudent to warn teenagers against hasty marriages outside the LDS culture. However, that advice counter-productive to older singles with established lives.

    The author warns of problems with pornography, and probably at least a third of active LDS men who are trying to live the gospel have indulged in it within the past month or so. However, probably at least a third of active LDS women have indulged in romantic novels or fantasy in the past month. Lust is an equal opportunity offender.

  • mominthetrenches South Jordan, Utah
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:03 a.m.

    Well said, Katie! I was your age when I was dating my now husband and identified well with everything you have said (and yes, 29 isn't old, but it often is treated like it is). I was able to do a lot of things that people miss out on when they marry much younger. I was happy with myself, had "outgrown" my suburban singles ward (with the 18-25 year olds still living at home), and actually went back to my family ward and they kept me VERY involved! When I married, we lived in Sugarhouse and the Ward had a high rate of very sharp YSA-aged members living within our boundaries, who were well educated, spiritual and solid in their careers. When they wanted a break from the YSA scene, they'd come and attend with us--they were desparately needed, became dear friends, and no one cared what their marital status was because we were happy to have their perspectives and service. I think most wards are really missing out on getting to know our YSA groups, even though I am glad there are wards where they can meet others, too. You are one of my heroes, Sista Bastian!!!

  • chinookdoctor PASADENA, CA
    Nov. 16, 2013 9:03 a.m.

    I echo what Triful posted. I was 31 when I got married to a guy who is much, much younger than me. He wasn't old enough to be considered marriage material when I was in my early 20s. I can't say that everything has been peachy and easy since we married, he's recently admitted that he needed to be raised by me and my family because he came to marriage so green and with so many weird ideas about marriage and how life should be (the cult Mormon ideas). I wouldn't change the age at which I married for anything in the LDS culture. I have a beautiful family, a great education in both secular and spiritual things and my career was well on track by the time I got married. If other YSA/SA adults want to be 19 or 21 when they get married, good luck and do your thing. I think a lot of women overlook younger men, they shouldn't.

  • Jewell in the Crown Spanish Fork, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 8:47 a.m.

    Graduated out of SAhood 2 years ago. I ended up having to wait until I was 37 to marry, but I wasn't ready (spiritually, mentally, financially, etc.) to marry until I was 36, and my wife was one of those who had to wait until their husband was ready! I'm lucky I had a mission president who realized that trying to tell me to get married within 6 months would have hurt the wife chosen, if one would have chosen me, and I could have found one who would choose me where I was returning to. (I was returning to a family ward of about 4000 square miles in size, with no car, and as it turns out, no car for 14 years - not that I stayed in that ward for more than 5 years!)

    I had to work to prepare myself, which meant dating when I had opportunities (and learning HOW to date - I had gone on 3 dates before my mission), going back to school, being in 2 YSA and 5 family wards or branches on 2 continents, and going through a major illness. Never went inactive, but met disappointing people.

  • skeptic Phoenix, AZ
    Nov. 16, 2013 8:43 a.m.

    The LDS church is a culture of family clubs. It is not receptive to comfortably accommodate single senior adults. In contrast most other churches do not pose a distinction. One may go into other churches, select a pew receive the services without feeling out of place or conspicuous. Other churches are more about individual religion than family culture. Perhaps this is something Mormons can work on to become more inclusive.

  • grandmagreat Lake Havasu City, AZ
    Nov. 16, 2013 8:18 a.m.

    Since I will be celebrating 69 years of marriage on December 24th, I have had a little experience. If I could say that it has all been a bed of roses, i would, But Marriage is not a bed of roses. My generation were married much younger than today, I was 18, the age most young women were married, in fact my two older sisters and I were all 18 when we married, and although two of them lost their spouses, they had long lasting marriages. 50 years and longer before they lost their spouses. I look my granddaughters, they have many obstacles to ovrr turn before they will be heappy in marriage, I pray that this will heappen for them. So my advise to all of you older Sisters, be patient, and don't expect to find someone who is perfect, no one is perfect. A word to parents of these older women, let them make their own decisions 9mistakes) they need that experence.

  • Jeremy Parker Petersburg, Alaska
    Nov. 16, 2013 8:13 a.m.

    I have to take issue with the idea of people needing to be mature and refined to be ready for marriage. Marriage as codependency is scripture, "neither is the man without the woman" "it is not good that man should be alone."

    Marriage is a service institution. Service doesn't require anything special, its simply an orientation anyone can choose. Couples who serve each other grow together and prosper, those that don't can be 100 year old wealthy scholars who had traveled the world and then landed on the moon for good measure, they will still fail at cultivating a good marriage despite their maturity and worldly wisdom.

    I have learned that the prophetic words "trust is greater than love" are true and that virtue is the highest prize to obtain in a spouse, "far above rubies." A gemstone of that character is easily polished. Marriage is a journey together, not a finality of two perfect and complementary parts discovering each other.

  • Strider303 Salt Lake City, UT
    Nov. 16, 2013 8:00 a.m.

    I think "sg" has a point, some men are single due to natural selection.

    Mature women do not want to raise a husband. Many men need to grow up, accept the challenge to seek an adult relationship with women and learn how to court a lady. I was single after my wife's death and I learned a lot in the process that lead me to my current wife.

    I feel that many men are adult teen-agers and therefore not seen as suitable mates by their female peers.

    Another issue with twenty-somethings, is that for many this is the first time they are truly alone in the world. They have some money, no one looking over their shoulder and it is up to them to be active in the Gospel or not. Some make sophomoric choices and leave the fold. Some return, some don't. A better focus on what is important in the eternal scheme of things would help, but it is up to them.

    I have heard General Authorities promise the sisters no blessing will be denied them if they are faithful and true though single. I have not heard any such promise to single men.

  • Jon1 Arlington, VA
    Nov. 16, 2013 7:17 a.m.

    I know marriage is an important part of the gospel. However, the attitude promulgated throughout much of Mormon culture that if I'm not engaged by the time I get home from the airport when I return from my mission or something is wrong with me is just plain wrong. Finding an eternal companion should not be a timed competitive race.

  • Georgie Baby Denver, CO
    Nov. 15, 2013 10:10 p.m.

    I'm a few years out of the YSA range, but older YSA's do struggle - even in their YSA wards. I have spoken with many women who are in the 25-32 age range that have matured past the 18-25 group, and feel that the wards an extension of high school and their wards are centered around the younger lot. I believe the official statistics state that the age that most young adults go inactive is 24-32. That is when I first went inactive, and it wasn't until I was 34 that I came back. There are real concerns for this age range, and marriage and cultural expectations are a significant factor in the reason why some start becoming resentful, cynical, hopeless, etc. and may begin to lose faith and leave. It really does take a lot of work, innumerable attitude adjustments, and priority setting to be a YSA or a SA in the church. More than people realize.

  • Jason Lewis Meridian, ID
    Nov. 15, 2013 8:08 p.m.

    Thank you for the wonderful article. I think that one of the most encouraging things in regards to that aspect of my life is for my peers to voice the thoughts and concerns that are often stewing around in my mind. Validation is a beautiful thing.

  • gittalopctbi Glendale, AZ
    Nov. 15, 2013 7:14 p.m.

    What an excellent article! I think it should be required reading for all YSAs--and then for all members. Sage advice and spot-on observations. I think the only thing that I would add from my observations of serving in a YSA ward is that many times, the guys are just intimidated by the sisters. Everyone should just chill and treat dating as a friendship-making, just-have-fun experience.

    Again, great article!

  • BYU Track Star Los Angeles, CA
    Nov. 15, 2013 5:12 p.m.

    I am graduating from the LDS Single's scene. I met my intended at a Single's conference in San Diego. She'd came down with a big group from Salt Lake. Please let me add my observations. !) It is a numbers game. If you meet alot of women, the odds are good you will meet somebody you click with. 2) President Monson's talk on dating to the young men a couple conferences ago was spot on advice.3) If you have a list of attributes of want in a spouse, become complementary to that list and the world will open up to you. 4) My intended observed that older single males still want the Miss Utah pagent winners or at least the runners-up. Even though they looked like they swallowed a small child whole. 5)Maintain your curiosity about the world. There are worlds outside your little town waiting to be discovered by you. - an open inquistitive mind is an attractive mind.

  • TriFul Midvale, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 4:44 p.m.

    That is a very positive attitude.
    I was 28 and single and didn't feel old. I felt bad for the girls who got married young and missed out on some things at a young age that they may get to do when they are empty nesters.

    I went to college, got my own place, travelled Europe, and had a blast.

    Turns out my husband now was still in HS when I finished college.
    On his mission when I was travelling.

    There are some great girls out there who just have to wait until their husband is ready.

  • JMO123 SLC, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 4:02 p.m.

    I love this article because it's all true (I know because I'm an "older" LDS Single Adult). What cracks me up is that, from my perspective, 29 is NOT "older." Twenty-nine is still considered a young single adult. You really can't consider yourself "older" until you are truly a midsingle.

  • Aggie 4 Life North Ogden, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 4:01 p.m.

    Great Article and reminded me of things I had forgotton about and gave me hope as a 38 year old Male! Thanks Katie!

  • caleb in new york Glen Cove, NY
    Nov. 15, 2013 3:52 p.m.

    Where much is given, much is expected and I think the post is too defensive. Instead of instructing all of the married people how to deal with singles more effectively, she ought to focus her efforts instead on pursuing marriage. Marriage is encouraged in the LDS faith not because it is easy to obtain or to maintain, but rather because talented faithful people can accomplish great amazing things when they put their mind to it. If an LDS female who looks like that would focus her efforts more on marriage instead of on defending herself, she probably could be married reasonably quickly.

  • Mel50 Nashville, TN
    Nov. 15, 2013 3:10 p.m.

    I don't want to seem overly critical or (heaven forbid) bitter, but having a 29 year old talk about the trappings of being older and single is about as effective as a 17 year old trying to sell wrinkle cream. Try being 53 and single. Never married, never almost married, never engaged... my most serious relationship was almost 20 years ago and lasted less than a year. I can count on one hand the dates I've had in the last decade. I won't rant on about this topic but I would love to see an article from a middle aged never-married member and how THEY deal with being singular in a church full of couples and families.

  • patriot Cedar Hills, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 2:12 p.m.

    Marriage is something that IF done in the right way has a high degree of long term success...perhaps even beyond death as we in the LDS faith believe. There are no guarantees about marriage - when you get married or if you get married and if you do get married how happy you will be. All a person can do is to center their life on the Savior Jesus Christ and know that everything will work out if you do. Life is a blind roller coaster ride with unpredictable accents and drops but happiness can be found through it all IF you look to the Savior as your foundation. This isn't as much a belief as it is real-life-experience for me.

    I think the key to getting married is prepare in the right way then go for it when it happens. It may happen at age 19 or 29 or 39.... Just act when the opportunity presents itself. One unique thing among the LDS community especially in Utah is most young people are married by age 25 ...much lower than the national average. This puts more pressure on because the good pickens get slim past 25.

  • Shawnm750 West Jordan, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 1:52 p.m.

    Though I'm not in the YSA crowd, but rather the SA crowd, I identify with a lot of what the author has to say. Having been married once before, there are even more things I could add to this list too. I especially liked #6 (and #9.) I've had a few people ask me about why I'm not married or dating anyone seriously. I always reply "I suppose if I wanted to, then I would be." The truth that I think a lot of singles have learned is that there are people that would be willing to get married, but many of them are more in love with the idea of marriage than they are the person to whom they're married.

    As for setups, I've discovered through experience that I'm flat-out opposed to them. More often than not, the criteria for setting people up is "You're nice and single, they're nice and single, so you two should go out..." Granted 90% of dates don't result in anything long-term, but when people are just trying to pair people off for the sake of pairing them off, it gets to be a little annoying...

  • t702 Las Vegas, NV
    Nov. 15, 2013 1:29 p.m.

    I love your #1 and that's the way it should be - marriage should add to one's already happy self.

    I greatly dislike #7 - I would much rather see someone that is doing what he/she supposed to be doing than someone is trying - there is a big difference between doing and trying - never heard of someone who is "trying to go to college" because there is no such a thing. Either you're in college or you aren't. The person who tries will quit after few attempts, the person who sets his/her mind on getting it done will never quit

  • Brian F Provo, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 1:06 p.m.

    AS an older YSA, this is a good article to read. Sometimes it seems like we are the only ones who feel like this, or have these thoughts, and it is nice to see them given a voice. I've had wonderful experiences as a single man that I would not have otherwise, and it has been great, but I still do want that family. We all just need to accentuate the positive and give others the benefit of the doubt. Some of us are shy, or awkward, but we all have value. It is hard sometimes to find a place in a Church that focuses on the Family so much, but you know what, we all are parts of families already.

  • desnewsreader Cottonwood Heights, UT
    Nov. 15, 2013 12:48 p.m.

    What a positive and upbeat perspective you have! As a male in the MSA demographic, I especially appreciate your willingness to give guys the benefit of the doubt regarding our intentions. A lot of us in both sexes aren't really great at communication, so assuming the good and doubting the bad is usually the best policy. It's helped me to stay upbeat when I am tempted to feel otherwise. Thanks for the blog.