...should be YSA
It might sound a little odd the way I will list things, but my intentions come
from way back YAS in SLC and I have been through a lot, I mean "a lot"
does not even touch it at all.1. we should stop ignoring facts,
there is a lot of pressure in church but it does never come from this church,
its always people, find it anywhere on earth2. that pressure however
how you want to define or explain it, is the very cause for so many people to
give up or leave the church, be careful it will define your future how you deal
with pressures from people or other spiritual sources(married people are no
better, they just pretend to be)3. never stop looking for your girl,
even if it takes eternity, it is just a question of what you see, your tunnel
view might be in the way,is defined by your patr.bl.4. remember your
sacrament meeting that is the door to more spirituality and learning about our
own very "who we are", never leave that road5. there are so
many bad/good, that is the hell we must go through,what a test
Oh, I aged out of the singles ward many, many years ago, and had the same
struggles you are having now. It isn't easy, at all, in a church that
focuses on families! Even today, I have struggles every now and then, but I
decided long ago, that I would put my heart into the gospel and just go with it.
That said, there are days I wake up and have thoughts about just not going to
church today because I just can't deal with the people, but I manage to get
myself there every week, mostly because I decided to take people out of the
equation. People make dumb comments, and many have no idea what it is like
being single, and I decided to just laugh off their comments and focus on the
rest of the gospel and the atonement. It is what is most important, after all.
It doesn't matter what anyone else does or says, we have the responsibility
to get ourselves back to Christ, and we must do what needs to be done, no matter
how heartbreaking that may be. Love Christ! Focus there!
My experiences with YSA were not helpful at all. It was high school part 2. I
wouldn't lament the loss personally. Nor would I allow that the Gospel
fails singles. Church programs are earthly institutions separable from the
Gospel of Jesus Christ upon which they are based. Your testimony is
literally between you and God, the church is just a study aid, a facilitator if
you will, so don't blame them/us/it for your wavering testimony. I am sure
that God has proven His love for you time and again. If you feel let down by the
local church and people remember that and open yourself up to Him and trust His
plan for your life as He knows best what you need. Make certain that you are
doing all He asks of you and stop counting the costs, they are irrelevant as the
alternative is untenable.Ultimately His plan for you is what
you're after (whatever that is), not the assertions that haunt you, as well
meaning folks try to apply their one-size-fits-all cure.
I'd tell all of the single thirty-somethings out there.... Hang on, life
gets much better. I married AFTER I "aged out" from a YSA ward. Get
out and meet people of all types. Be a talent resource for the Church. Stay
open to opportunities to date. I met my wife on a blind date. Many of the very
spiritual, gifted and talented LDS people don't marry until they are in
their 30's or later. It is hard and lonely at this stage but please hang
on. It is worth it.
Living in a single ward as I did for awhile was challenging but I prayed that
Heavenly Father would help me to adjust and remain positive. My prayers were
answered as far as this concern. I'm 67 years old now and still have the
deep desire to be a Mother. I dreamed as a little girl to have at least 8 to 10
children. Sadly that did not happen and that desire to be a Mother never goes
away and it's difficult to attend family wards will all of their children
and not have a heartache inside of wanting to have children. I've resigned
myself to look for the good and have trust and faith in Heavenly Father that
someday I will be a Mother of many children on the other side. I know as I live
faithfully that hope and dream will come true.
Sad, but oh, so true. No one will even attempt to meet singles needs. They only
serve themselves not being focused on serving others. They only serve their own
needs even if numerous singles reside in your ward. I feel your pain . . . it is
real! (You will get many lectures. Be prepared for them no matter how
self-sustaining and service orientated you are!) It's going to be tough.
Hang in there!
"If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most
miserable." 1 Cor. 15:19Perhaps the key is not to worry about
the here and now. Live your life, so that if the blessings of a companion do
not come your way here, it will in the eternities. Do not leave your faith and
hope in Christ by the wayside because of thoughtless comments of others. There
will be many who have found companionship here on earth, and sell that
birthright for continued companionship in the eternities for a mess of porridge.
Don't you do the same.
Last weekend at a family photo shoot, the photographer commented on by beautiful
family. When I gave the credit to my late wife who bore my three children, she
said, "I know. But just looking at Vanessa (my second wife) you would never
know they were not hers."Yes, I will be always grateful to the
"forever single sister" who was there for me and my children. Just
because you have been held in reserve does not mean you are any less of a person
or have a lesser family role in the long run. Suring up a family that was
devastated by a case of cancer was no small feat, but well worth the effort.
if you focus on the things that make you different in a ward, you will nearly
always feel like you are on the outside looking in. Focus on the things that you
have in common with people in whatever ward you find yourself in - you'll
fit right in. Just because you are married does not mean that you will suddenly
"fit in". The hard reality of life is that we're created equal in
the eyes of the government and the Lord, but it ends there. Personal challenges
vary (hugely in some cases), but if we let them they can build us into even
better people. To those who have somehow found a way to have the wind at their
back most of their lives, I will only note that few great people in the gospel
could share that experience. The truly great ones did not "fit in" and
seldom had an easy go of this mortal experience. Again - if you keep your focus
on the many things that you share in the gospel, you will find that you're
never alone in your journey.
Bitterness is not something a person is looking for in an eternal companion, and
bitterness doesn't prompt a person to get out there and date and make
friends. My new husband turned 30 when we were engaged, he only recently
started dating more often, and that was after he let go of his bitterness and
hurt feelings. I too had some reasons to feel bitter and reclusive, I was
divorced and childless after a two year marriage. I was not looking forward to
starting all over and dating again while watching my friends go on to babies
number 2 and 3 with their happy marriages, and I doubted anyone would ever want
to date a girl in my situation. But I didn't dwell on my failed marriage
and crushed dreams, and for some reason I had more guys ask me out on dates than
ever before. I dated some VERY successful and spiritual guys (way better than my
ex), and settled on the perfect guy for me. Put aside your relationship
worries and just get out there and date. You didn't "fail", you
just haven't gotten married yet.
I believe the church pushes marriage way to hard. Many of the younger members
seem so intent on getting married and starting families that they seem to settle
for whoever will agree to marriage instead of finding a life partner. I married at 35 and I am glad I waited. I was able to focus on career,
travel, and experience life beyond my church group. The youth are short
changing themselves and need to live their lives instead of living by the check
box mentality the church pushes upon its members. My wife and I are
both grateful that we waited for each other and for the three great sons we now
Since I was already over 32 when I joined the church so I have always been in a
family ward. I have never married. Yes, it's sad; and yes, it's
lonely...and I don't expect those things to change...BUT I have made
wonderful friends in my Ward--only two of them were single and they have since
moved. I know I am loved. About 25 years ago, as I was driving home from
church one day, bawling my eyes out because again the lesson was on Eternal
Marriage....I decided that no matter how many times I listen to the comments
thoughtless people who who think everyone is married and have no clue how I
feel, and no matter how many times I have to hear, yet again, "no blessing
will be withheld" at the end of every talk and lesson on eternal marriage
and parenting, I decided NOTHING anyone does or says will drive me away from the
Gospel and the Church. The Gospel is true, that is what I hold on to.
When I left the single ward for a family ward the bishop gave me an assignment
that indirectly lead to marriage to a great woman and three boys that we have
together. I believe that a major problem for singles is ward hopping and no
You can contribute and benefit from attendance in a "regular"
congregation and, perhaps, get some different perspective on where you, as a
single adult, fit in the world. I attended a student "married" ward in
Idaho as a newlywed -- to a husband who decided church attendance could drop
once the knot was tied. It was difficult not to feel like a misfit for not
having my "date" in attendance where everyone else sat in pairs.Ultimately, religion -- even religion that values families -- is more
about developing your relationship with Christ and interacting among God's
children as Christ would than maintaining an "eye single" to marriage or
family. Don't miss out on the fantastic opportunities you can have to
influence others and find joy in being your best self just because one
opportunity hasn't presented itself. And don't think it's wrong
to be sad sometimes, too, when you're feeling lonely. Just don't dwell
on that all the time.
I am not sure how you cannot get married if you want to, it is a numbers game,
go where single people are, make a point to talk to people who interest you.
Make sure you do not date one person unless there is a reasonable amount of
interest and belief that this could be marriage. Serial date and narrow it down.
It is like being a sales person! You can have it if you want it! Don't
blame the church or anyone else, start now, make a resonable list of the talents
you want in a mate and start going everywhere there are single people and
don't stand and wait for them...take hold of your own future!
my son is about to age out of a singles ward. the women in his ward want
specifics in a man such as 'popular' 'wealthy'
'cool'. he desires to find a woman whom wants 'honorable'
'gentleman' 'respectful' 'worthy' . a few of the
young women in his ward want 'long board sidewalk surfers' so i am
saying they are immature and self focused. yes many are not finding their
eternal sweet heart as early in life as many others did such as i did. but some
are just to worldly. i tell my son you are loved and stay strong don't
waver in letting down your standards or goals for a woman that believes popular
wealthy cool is all she wants for that is empty.
If I might share my own abbreviated story.I too "aged out"
of the single's ward at age 31. Its easy to feel that you 'failed the
course', and it doesn't help when so many 'righteous' church
members feel that you are lacking over all as a church member. I had several
members approach me to ask what was wrong with me, or how was I going to get
along since it was obvious I was never going to get married.You have
to set aside such things and such people at times. I have a testimony of the
gospel and that overshadows anything and everything else; including thoughtless
church members. Another decade passed before I did get married. In
retrospect I can now see why I needed to wait so long - into my 40's. Not
because I wasn't worthy, but the time for me and my companion had to be
right. It was worth the wait. So, don't give up and stop feeling
regulated by mortal time tables. It is eternity that is important and the Lord
is patient as we work to make good choices and not desperate ones.
I have had many feelings in going to a singles ward... discouragement,
loneliness, sorrow. There were times I felt bitter because of talks that told us
our main goal was to be finding an eternal companion or activities to teach us
flirting skills. I am still single but I have found a strength through Heavenly
Father to recognize that the way I feel essentially comes from my attitude.
Thankfully, I currently have a positive attitude, focused on learning the gospel
and improving my relationship with the Spirit. I look back on the times of
bitterness and see that I was the one who chose to react so negatively to talks
on marriage or even success stories of others. I will concede that I fully
expect to have a bad attitude sometime in the future again, however, each time I
sink into sorrow, I know that with the Lord's help, I will be a little
stronger and more capable of rising back out of it. No matter where I am at the
time, at least I can logically realize that my attitude along with spiritual
strength, brings power to become like Christ.
Do not give up! Believe me, I understand what you are going through. I went to a
singles ward till I was about 31 and became discouraged and actually went
inactive for a while. I went through hard times, and I would not recommend that
route. When I returned to church a couple years later I went to a family ward.
It was a great ward, and I did not feel like I was being judged. I didn't
really date for a while and just focused on my relationship with my Savior.
Eventually I did start thinking about dating again, and got up the courage to
ask someone out again. It didn't feel right, though. Finally, at 37 years
old I found the perfect woman for me and I am now very happily married. I am not
saying it will take you that long, but I will again say "do not give
up!" Though it may not seem like it sometimes, the right person is out
there. In the meantime, the most important thing is to love God and to maintain
a relationship with Him.
I prefer living in warm weather. Some prefer cold.I like being close to a
big city, but not in one.I would be a terrible parent if I had 7 kids.
Some love it.Why would marriage be any different?Why
would you let others dictate your life?Why let others define success for
you?Some people really enjoy the single life. Does that make them
wrong?Hate to break it to you, but when I see a 30 year old single person,
I think nothing of it.So many posters on this board seem to just
accept it. "That just the way it is"Why do so many want so
much of their life choices dictated to them by others. How smothering.
I know several people close to this situation; a few thoughts:1.
There is no reason to feel alone or like a failure for not being married at 31.
Up to 15% of Americans NEVER marry, including dozens of thousands of faithful
LDS. Even many who are fortunate enough to get married marry later than age 31.
Hugh Nibley for instance was 36 when he married, and most would consider him a
quality Mormon and certainly not a failure.2. Singles wards are
optional, though encouraged; if you feel uncomfortable in a singles ward or you
feel that it's too social and you aren't having your spiritual needs
met, you can attend a regular ward well before age 31. There are also singles
wards for members over age 31 in some areas. If you like singles wards, go to
singles wards; if you don't then go to regular wards. There is no
"graduating" from a singles ward, and frankly that language seems
harmful to me. People who leave singles wards aren't inherently superior to
those who haven't left, or who never attended to begin with. Singles wards
are just a convenience for those who prefer them.
Many areas increasingly to help 30-something Midsingles transition from the YSA
Ward when they turn 31, is they assign one of the family wards in the stake to
be the "Midsingles Magnet Ward" where all 30-something Singles in the
same stake, can all attend the same existing family ward together (with the rest
of the families that live in the actual ward boundaries). That way, it's
the best of both worlds. You are in a family ward environment yet, have core
group of 30-something Midsingles also attending for your social support.
Definitely helps to know you are not alone when you see your peers in the ward
too.Regionally some areas also have traditional Midsingles Wards
(singles only for ages 31-45), but having both approaches of the traditional
Midsingles Ward AND the Midsingles Magnet Ward (Mixed Midsingles/Family Ward)
better reaches out to more 30-something Singles that way.If
interested, Google "Midsingles Magnet Ward Outline" from LDS Midsingles
Blog for more info.
After a mission, grad school, officers candidate school, SOF training and aging
out of a singles ward, I just went to another stake where no one knew how old I
was and stayed for a few more years. Finally after a few years of active duty in
the military and a deployment or two, I found my wife in the Army after being
wounded, so there is hope. We both married at 35 and because of military
benefits immediately started having kids. Stop wining, find a life
you enjoy, forget everyone else's criteria and have some fun. Life is too
short to worry about what other members think.
What really screamed out to me was the types of experiences Guy said he had
while in the YSA environment. While I understand that everyone isn't going
to have a great time at activities that are provided by the committees that plan
them, I wonder how many times Guy volunteered to help on one of those committees
or put something together to share with others? If you expect others to do the
work and show up and have a good time, likely you will be disappointed more
often than not. The gospel is a gospel of action, finding a spouse and making
are marriage work are action required activities also. Take charge of your
church experience and your relationship with Christ, lots of people giving you
good advice on that one. The same effort it took to gain and keep a testimony
are required to "graduate" to the next phase of a relationship, whether
it is just having a good time with friends or dating someone that actually
"gets" you.Figuring out WHO you are and WHY you are that way will
make it easier to figure out how to have more than just a presence around
Getting out of the singles ward is a little bit like graduating from High
School. It's so nice to get away from the social and popularity games. Now
you can become who you really are in a much more comfortable and genuine
environment. "Aged out", you will find your one and only. Many people
have felt just like you do and they are now married. You will find her also.
In the meantime concentrate on making yourself the best person you can be. Have
faith that God is helping you towards your goal, while you do everything you can
to grow. A growth oriented person is very appealing. Faith precedes the
Quit looking and focus on living, and enjoy what life has to offer. If you spend
too much time on what you're not good at, guess what, you're wasting
your time. Stay focus on what you're good at, you have no idea the many
people that are taking notice.
OneWifeOnly: My experience has been exactly the opposite of yours, which is why
I joined the LDS church. The hypocrisy I've seen has been in those who
consider themselves "Christians". All I can say is I'll be the
best Latter-day Saint I can, while you can be the best Christian you can; and
we'll both, therefore, make the world a better place. Best wishes to you.
To "MatchboxWhistler" I have several friends that are in their late
30's and still wonder why they can't find a wife.The one
that declares himself to be a "nice guy" goes out of his way to be nice.
He goes so far out of his way to be nice that if a girl even hints that she her
interest may be waning, he immediately stops dating her because he wants to be
"nice". He ends up looking like a guy with no backbone. How many women
want a man that first won't persue them and second look like they have no
backbone.All of the nice guys with a backbone that I know were
married before they turned 31.
My father met my mother at age 34. I doubt if he had had more than a handful of
"dates" in his previous years. They had six children, including me when
he was 52. Everyone's life can be fulfilling and meaningful, just going at
different speeds at different times. Choose to be happy. The important thing is
to not let go of the important thing: the testimony you have so far of the
gospel of Jesus Christ, and making sure you do something to enlarge it each day.
Redshirt1701: Please cut the guy some slack and don't assume he's
lacking. Also, "Nice Guys" are sustainable husbands, fathers and lovers.
Their "nice" is more than skin deep. (And last I recalled Jesus was nice
and had a backbone.)
Most of my friends and acquaintances didn't get married until their late
20s and early 30s. This is LDS (out east) and those who aren't. Don't
forget that in intermountain LDS culture people marry much younger than is the
mean everywhere else, in and out of the church. Bruce Lee thought
the prime age for men is 32 anyway - so you're doing fine. ;)
I hate to say it, but "Aged out guy" did fail. The singles Ward has 2
purposes. First, to create a comfortable environment for single people to
worship. Second, to give them a place to more easily meet somebody that they
can marry.He met the first goal just fine. However, after 10 years
in a single's ward and not being able to attract a good woman to marry is
one area that he failed in. I don't know him, but some things that he may
need to evaluate are the following:What does he imagine his future
wife to be?Does he act in a way that offends women?Does
he care for himself in a way that would attract a woman?Nice guys
finish last for a reason, does he have a backbone and is willing to persue a
woman? Being nice is not a bad trait, but if you are so concerned about being
nice, you will come off as lacking a backbone.Do you still act and
live like you are in High School or on your Mission? Yes those were good years,
but they are in the past.
Believe me, I completely understand! I just got married 3 months ago right
after turning 40. My husband is 42 (also never married before). We both know
what it's like being single in the church, but we remained faithful and
active. There is pressure to get married because it's such an important
principle. However, you never hear the brethren teach that you need to be
married by a certain age in order to be exalted. (Check out Dallin H.
Oaks' talk on "Timing.") The fact is, we all have our own missions
in life, and Heavenly Father is watching over us closely. He knows where He
wants us to go and what He wants us to accomplish, but we won't get there
if we leave His side. Being single for so long wasn't what I had planned;
but even so, I have had a wonderful life with many opportunities to learn,
experience new things, and serve others. Looking back, I wouldn't change a
thing. Trust in the Lord and His wisdom and timing for you. And if you look
around, you'll see how many other singles there are. You're not
Some years back Dallin Oaks married again in the temple after his wife died. If
I'm not mistaken, she was in her late 40's and it was her first
marriage. You never know when your path will cross with the right person.
First and foremost, you are not a failure. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about
his divine love and redeeming mercy that is beyond our mortal comprehension.
I'm over 40 and still single. And while it's sometimes very lonely and
I wonder where or if I fit in anywhere. The answer is that we do all fit and we
all bring our own unique gifts to the church. As I've come to realize,
there is a place for me. The answers aren't always easy and certainly the
loneliness at times can seem overwhelming. What has helped me was to realize
that while my life circumstances are different, it doesn't diminish
Christ's love for me, nor mine for him. I strive to keep my focus on him
and do what I can to build up His Kingdom. The Lord loves you and wants you
back. Rely on him and he'll bless you in ways you may never have thought
To Lasvegaspam: My mother use to say "do as I say not as I do". I
define hypocrite as a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated
religious beliefs, particularly religious beliefs; a person who engages in the
same behaviors he condemns others for. A hypocrite is not acting as if they
earnestly desire to overcome their own faults. A Mormon hypocrite judges
another, then that is acting in a manner that I've coined as
"celestially elevated". There are many people in the Mormon church who
behave as if they are already living in the Celestial Kingdom and spend their
time looking down on the rest of us poor people who except for the thing the
"celestially elevated" person deems fit to judge would also be in the
Celestial Kingdom rather than in the Terrestrial Kingdom where they imagine we
live. A person can profess certain ideals and still fail to live up to those
ideals but if that person is trying, he/she is not a hypocrite. I have met many
Christ-like Christian people in my life. I can count the number of Mormons I
have met who are not hypocrites on one hand.
To Aged Out Guy "being single in a church full of married people"
isn't really accurate, there are many single people of every age in any
church. My take is you are feeling like a failure mostly because of expectations
you are imposing on yourself. Just enjoy being who you are and happiness will
come.My family history of two uncles on one side and one aunt on the
other side never getting married tells me that you can be happy without
marriage. My favorite aunt and uncle were both single. And, then there is me,
who didn't get married until I was 37 and it is a good thing for me as I
view myself as not being ready before then.
If this guy lives in Utah he should find something he likes to do that
isn't religion based and go do it. If you live in the suburbs of SLC most
people are mormons anyway(good chance he meets a mormon or two if he joins an
adult softball league or something of that nature), and he doesn't have to
deal with the your still not married judgement, but can meet a nice mormon girl.
And I know it's hard, but stop trying so hard, the two worst things a
single guy can do is smell bad and be desperate.
It's not often I find myself disagreeing with Joseph Smith but when he is
wrong, he is wrong. The article quotes Joseph Smirh as saying. "All things
in our religion are appendages to the atonement of Jesus Christ". ....
The reason for our existence is so we can experience happiness (Joseph Smith).
Take that away and everything else is meaningless including our religion. The
good news of the Gospel is the happiness that we can have. All things are
appendages to this potential happiness. This includes our religion ... AND ...
The atonement of Jesus Christ. Take away the potential for happiness and the
atonement of Jesus Christ would be pointless.
I have a son going trough this same thing and these single wards are mericiless.
Many of these people are single for a reason. They are not kind for the most
part and selfish many times. Some are great but all seem to be for themselves.
Many are lacking compassion and not looking for a regular guy but want the
general authority, bishop or money man. Values for the good person seem to go
out the window. Good brethren and sisters are often used in these wards and cast
aside. Its a shame that most of these girls and guys don't see the
potential in anyone who isn't the GQ or model type.
We love the singles in our ward. They make such a great contribution, and are
absolutely vital to our ward family. I know that it's hard to be an older
single (I was one, too), but the opportunities to serve and love are expanded in
a non-YSA ward. Serving and loving bring us closer to God, and bring us
happiness. BTW, most non-YSA wards are filled with beautiful, intelligent, and
engaging single women. Ours is.
When we first joined the Church my daughter was in her early 20s and she hated
the singles ward for just that reason. Rather than leave the Church, which she
truly believed in, she joined our family ward.... and she did marry. She hated
that the central theme in the singles ward was "match making" and she
wanted to concentrate on the Gospel. Aged out Guy may actually be happier in a
family ward and find the love of his life because of it.
As a 33-year-old single, I get it. I get the feeling of not fitting into a
family ward, and the awkward pauses when you try to have a conversation about
something other than raising children. While I can't speak for Aged Out
Guy, I can speak for myself and some things I have learned from my own
experience:1. Understand that God has an individual plan for you, and this
plan probably won't look like someone else's plan. It's okay if
it doesn't look the same as others' plans. If you feel like
you're doing what you can to further your own salvation, you're in the
right place--even if it isn't what you or others see as the ideal
situation.2. Find a niche in your ward. I found my place in Primary to be
a great blessing. Children are so loving and nonjudgmental.3. Know that
God loves you, and that His love is individual. If you seek God's guidance,
He will lead you to where you can perform His work. Everything else will fall
into place, regardless of marital status.
From someone who aged out, I suggest attending a family ward where you are
needed and getting involved in your calling as much as you can. Singles ward
callings are often superficial and do not require that much work. However,
family wards need more heavy-lifting especially with programs for youth, young
children, new members, etc. If you attend a family ward and get a
meaningful calling like I did, you may still attend singles events. The best
part, people will not know who you all that well, but may remember you from when
you attended there ward. And when they learn that you go to a family ward and
have some cool calling with primary, youth, etc... they will be interested.
Personally, being mysterious to the opposite sex can often lead to the right
girl or guy being interested.
Just have a little faith. When I aged out of the YSA ward I went to the family
ward and it was the best experience. I was called as RS President, I was always
treated with the upmost respect and they loved me. My testimony was strengthened
in the Savior and after the singles ward it was what I needed, a renewed focus
on the Savior and an opportunity to forget myself. In the midst of this service
(and not even looking) I met my husband-- in the family ward. When I left the
singles ward I felt much of the same things but I knew that Heavenly Father had
a plan for me and I needed to trust him..."aging out" was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Sometimes the worry and stress from never achieving something is what prevents
us from achieving it.
"The Church is designed to nourish the imperfect, the struggling, and the
exhausted. It is filled with people who desire with all their heart to keep the
commandments, even if they haven't mastered them yet. Some might say,
"I know a member of your Church who is a hypocrite. I could never join a
church that had someone like him as a member." If you define hypocrite as
someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are
all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But
we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our
heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus
Christ. If these are your desires, then regardless of your circumstances, your
personal history, or the strength of your testimony, there is room for you in
this Church. Come, join with us!" - President Dieter F. UchtdorfIt is all about our Savior. I encourage you to move forward with these
thoughts in mind. Much love to you, my brother.
I agree with Agedoutguy. Ten years is a long time. Angela, to imply
that anyone is suggesting you put your relationship with Christ behind marriage
is just silly.
Coming from similar experiences, with what felt like hundreds of talks saying
that the only thing I needed to focus on was getting married (really bad
advice), I sympathize with "Aged out guy". When I
transitioned out of a singles ward, I was ready to be in a ward where my marital
status wasn't the focus. I moved out of Utah, found a small family ward I
felt was a good fit and have been happy ever since. Side note, quite a few
marriages happened among singles in my ward.Not everyone finds their
true love in a singles ward. Many do, but the reality today is that a majority
of LDS singles will "age out" of singles wards, and join family or
single adult focused wards. It's happening more and more, and the church
recognizes it. From one single to another, try to cut yourself some
slack. Remember, some things happen on the Lord's timeline. It
doesn't mean you're a failure, just that it hasn't happened yet.
Please try to get involved with your ward and stake activities single or not.
Live your life, choose happiness, and you will attract someone like minded.
We have heard so very many times over the pulpit during General Conference that
those who are single, who have not had the opportunity to marry in this life*,
will not have the blessings of marriage and family withheld in the next life.
*Now for the asterisk, living a Christ-centered life, making and KEEPING
covenants, and striving to become your best self is required.Those of us
who have married but are not living as we should, unless we repent, will not
have the ultimate blessings of the Gospel for eternity. We are all in the same
boat for our personal salvation although the size, shape, and speed of the boat
is unique to our circumstances. But ALL of us can journey with the Lord if we
The moment that I decided to stop looking for a partner, is when I found my
husband, we married at the age of 33. I would look for activities for singles in
your community with things you like to do, examples are hiking groups, biking
groups, walking groups, reading groups, etc. I am not sure what you like to do,
so you just have to google that. Leave it in Gods hands, He has a plan for you
and sometimes His plans take longer than what we would like.
Forget about dit. Let go let God.
It IS difficult to feel at home and welcome in a church that seems full of
smiling married folks... but you need to remember: Of the adult membership of
the Church, a MAJORITY are single. Often few of them come to Church regularly,
for obvious reasons. I encourage you to be actively involved in both your
family ward where you live AND with the Single Adult groups in your area. If
they are not well organized, YOU can become a 'spark plug' to shake
things up and make them more fun and interesting. If YOU attend all available
Single Adult activities, and you are not a control freak, as a single male you
will help others to participate.Every ward and branch have adult singles
both visible and invisible. YOU are not the only one, and if you do your best
you will obtain the best, both in your love life and otherwise.
I married at 31 myself. I fled a student singles ward masquerading as a YSA
ward when I was 26. That was partly because it was essentially a holding pen to
keep us "lesser members" from infecting the regular wards, and a meet
market (or was it a "meat market")? Part of that was because I changed
apartments and I didn't see the point of driving past one building to go to
another one. Another part was that I really didn't fit in with the
majority of the group who had lived in the area their whole lives, and/or were
undergraduate students.And in the next three years I lived in two
other wards in that stake. I was membership clerk in both of them, so clearly I
wasn't considered a "lesser member" there. But I heard plenty of
biting comments along the way - some members even implied I was gay, or
wasn't "doing my duty". The time between mission and marriage for
me seemed like ten years in the proverbial wilderness.
Great advice from Angela: "Focusing on the reality of a Savior and making
Sunday worship about strengthening your relationship with him can begin to
soothe whatever ails you. I would start there, I know this isn’t a perfect
answer but I hope it helps."I'm not sure why I'm even
posting since Angela provided the answer. Your current martial status is not the
issue. Your relationship with Christ is the issue. I don't mean that to
sound judgmental. What I'm trying to say is that you have followed the
straight and narrow path and clung to the iron rod until you were able to
partake of the tree. Now that you are there, NEVER LEAVE THE TREE. And the tree
is Christ.Joseph Smith taught that, in order to have faith
sufficient for salvation, we must have faith in the justice of God (among other
characteristics). Believing in the justice of God means we believe he will
ultimately make all things right. It may take a lifetime or more but I believe
that applies to each of us as individuals.Be faithful and cast your
burden on Him. That will give you peace.
From the words of a song, "Don't give up. You are loved." Finding
love and marriage after 31+ does happen. In the meantime, continue to work on
your relationship with the Lord. He is always there. In the words of another
song, "He will not fail you."