Ask Angela: My friend is having an affair, calls me one of 'those Mormons'

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  • Noodlekaboodle Poplar Grove, UT
    Oct. 29, 2013 5:56 p.m.

    I don't get the "stereotypical Mormon" part of this. I'm an atheist and I wouldn't put up with her nonsense. Being religious has nothing to do with thinking cheating is wrong.

  • bribri86 Phoenix, AZ
    Oct. 29, 2013 3:05 p.m.

    "More drama as heterosexuals preserve the sanctity of marriage...?"

    Nope, more human beings perverting the sanctity of marriage.

  • OHBU Columbus, OH
    Oct. 29, 2013 11:07 a.m.

    I'm certainly not "one of those Mormons." By that I mean, I'm not Mormon at all--I'm an atheist. That being said, I value my marriage a great deal, and I value other people's marriages. If I were in that situation, I would straight-up tell the husband. I don't care if I'm seen as a pariah or tattle-tale. He has a right to know. It's time for this lady to get a dose of "reality"--people have affairs. Those affairs cause a great deal of heartache, and if there are children, they can damage that child's sense of trust forever. If this lady really doesn't think it's a big deal, then it is her responsibility to convince her husband of the same.

  • Dadof5sons Montesano, WA
    Oct. 14, 2013 1:37 p.m.

    First off that is not a friend. second hearing about a affair is down right gross. second I would just tell her to keep it to herself or her husband will find out. just that simple.

  • Kay The LDS Lacey, WA
    Oct. 1, 2013 1:33 p.m.

    If having morals makes me a "stereotypical Mormon", then, so be it. I prefer righteousness over infidelity. Seriously, it's okay for society to advocate this kind of behavior, but when someone has moral standards, then, they're in the wrong? That's just ridiculous.

  • antodav TAMPA, FL
    Oct. 1, 2013 3:58 a.m.

    "Sorry not sorry". Yes, perfect response. XD Although, if she weren't so "liberal", perhaps she'd have the courage to stand up for correct moral principles instead of just passively enduring this woman talking about something so morally abhorrent.

  • A Scientist Provo, UT
    Sept. 26, 2013 8:31 a.m.

    I thought it was a Mormon commandment, right up there with "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me" for Mormons to poke their noses into their neighbors' and friends' business?

  • NorthLights Payson, Utah
    Sept. 25, 2013 10:04 a.m.

    I was the wife who was cheated on. A mutual friend knew about it and told me. Yes, that did set into motion events that led to divorce, but I am SO thankful for that divorce. My ex spent the next twenty years living with the woman he had the affair with and making her miserable with his dishonesty and selfishness, while I have spent the last seventeen years married to the most wonderful man on earth. When I think about the friend who told me of that affair, I remember how difficult it was for her, but I am so grateful for her courage.

    I have also been in your position. My coworker who was cheating on her husband had a great time until he started an affair of his own and left her. She was devastated, and wished she could go back and change her choices. If you consider your coworker a close friend, you could tell her you're worried about her. Otherwise, simply tell her you've realized that you are a prude after all.

  • Jace the Ace Stratford, CA
    Sept. 24, 2013 12:05 p.m.

    I would hope that if it was my wife someone would have the guts to tell me instead of letting me be at risk of getting an STD.

  • Beaver Native Garland, UT
    Sept. 24, 2013 8:33 a.m.

    Your friend knows your standards and is uncomfortable because she knows deep down she's wrong, She is trying to bring you down to her level and get you to accept her standards. She thinks that if you accept her standards, it will ease her conscience. In a way, she is indirectly mocking you for being a "prude". She continues to mock you by insisting on talking about something she knows you're uncomfortable talking about. Reminds me much of the Great and Spacious building in Nephi's vision of the Tree of Life.

    Be affirmative with your beliefs and standards, but make sure you do it in the spirit of loving the sinner and hating the sin. Pray for guidance, then do as Angela suggested. If she really wants to be a friend, she will refrain from discussing it in front of you. If she continues to discuss it in front of you, she isn't much of a friend.

  • raybies Layton, UT
    Sept. 24, 2013 7:39 a.m.

    To me a Stereotypical Mormon woman is one who takes to heart the following:

    "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will 'stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places' as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

    Never be ashamed to stand up for what's right. And please inform the poor spouse what's going on behind his back. Stand for truth... He has a difficult road ahead of him.

  • Kazbert VAIL, AZ
    Sept. 23, 2013 5:24 p.m.

    @The Scientist: You hit the nail on the head, though perhaps not the nail you were aiming for. Our society seemingly no longer reverences marriage at all but that lack of reverence is a dysfunction, not the way things ought to be.

    Regarding being a "stereotypical Mormon": Embrace the buzzkill. My experience has been that if you tell your coworkers that something makes you uncomfortable then far more than not will be respectful of those boundaries.

  • ldsdaniel San Diego, CA
    Sept. 23, 2013 1:56 p.m.

    Being liberal doesn't mean accepting immorality and devaluing yourself and what you truly stand for.

    Cheat is clearly in her life and actions. No one, not just LDS, should be accepting of that. Bill Clinton's (to many, may say have done many good things) scandal in the White House is not acceptable to all - democrats or republicans, progressive or stubborn.

    I would let her know that even a 5-year-old will tell her that what she is doing is wrong, she doesn't need a liberal Mormon to do that.

  • gburns52 Milford, UT
    Sept. 23, 2013 10:47 a.m.

    Historically, the word prude was originally a noble compliment (Old French, prude, meaning honourable woman) . It was usually associated with wisdom, integrity, usefulness, and profit. Even in present day language, it forms the root of the word prudence, meaning "sound judgement in practical affairs". Maybe it's not so bad being a prude. Why is it that someone who can't seem to control their own life despises those that can?

    When my ex told me she was having an affair, I knew why. She was afraid to file or even come right out and say she wanted a divorce and she knew that her being unfaithful would be the only reason I would do so. I have a feeling this lady wants the same. There are some who say that anything between consenting adults is okay. They are totally wrong. Adultery is an act of abuse and violence.

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    Sept. 23, 2013 10:10 a.m.

    An old friend once said, "No matter how thin the pancake, there are always two sides." I replied, "Yes. And one side of that pancake tends to have far more of the syrup of selfishness on it than the other."

  • moniker lewinsky Taylorsville, UT
    Sept. 23, 2013 8:25 a.m.

    I'm sorry to have to break the news, but Mormons aren't the only ones who disagree with infidelity. And djk: It's who.

  • LittleStream Carson City, NV
    Sept. 22, 2013 9:45 p.m.

    As a product of the 60's and 70's I am well aware of Satan's war on the family. Drugs and sex were prevalent and if you didn't do it you were square and "not with it". I went through a divorce and became an alcoholic. So ask yourself, your friend knows you are a Mormon and yet she wants to discuss her affair, what if she asks you to cover for her. If you have a friend who wants you to drink, will you sit and watch her drink? This situation is I believe the very reason the scripture about be in this world, but not off this world. Your friend is asking you to accept that she is breaking one of the ten commandments. She knows that and apparently is wanting your approval. Be different, Remember Who You Are.

  • Rational Salt Lake City, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 9:23 p.m.

    Saratoga Springs, UT
    Talking about sexual encounters at work can create a hostile work environment, and if this immoral adultress doesn't stop bragging about her licentious activities, warn her that you will report her actions to HR, and perhaps her husband as well. The words to express this woman's character unfortunately cannot be stated here, but you can probably come up with a few on your own.


    I mostly agree. Record a conversation if you can (There is an app for that), submit it to HR and send it to the spouse.

  • Rational Salt Lake City, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 9:22 p.m.


    That excuse is the logic of an adulterer who is lying to themselves.

  • The Rock Federal Way, WA
    Sept. 22, 2013 9:07 p.m.

    I would look this woman straight in the eye and say: "This makes things difficult. Working relationships are based on trust and if your husband can't trust you how can I?"

    Bragging about dishonesty and immoral behavior is about as low as you can get.

  • Kinderly Riverdale, MD
    Sept. 22, 2013 6:42 p.m.

    I think it is ridiculous that the offending woman thinks that having Mormon co-workers is a factor here. It is inappropriate to be talking about affairs at work no matter where you live. Not a good business move. I think saying "I don't really want to hear about it" is okay, asking for thoughts from someone in hr (maybe without giving the woman's name?) could be helpful.

    Let's pretend that you're good friends, though, and have social time away from the office. I think that sharing personal information such as affairs could be the norm and you have to handle the situation as if it was any friend. In my case, that would mean expressing some disapproval with the affairs, whether you're seen as a prude or not. I would ask a friend like that why she's unhappy in her marriage, find out more about what she's going through.

  • the truth Holladay, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 5:41 p.m.

    @The Scientist


    Is their science showing heterosexuals are perfect human beings?

    According to your science isn't having any religious based values or morals a bad thing?

    Aren't your expectations a little to high as "religious" people glom on your "science"?

    Isn't there a saying: by what judgment you judge, you shall be judged by.

  • Sandy Salt Lake City, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 3:55 p.m.

    A cheating wife will cheat on everything, including a friend. She's already manipulating you with her caricature of your religion. Manipulation and infidelity go hand in hand, whether in friendship or marriage. Tell her the next time she brings it up with you you're going to tell the husband. And then go find a friend you can trust.

    Sept. 22, 2013 3:28 p.m.

    Sometimes it's just a plain honor to be stereotyped, a badge of honor! Our society has lost it's moral compass.

  • JSB Sugar City, ID
    Sept. 22, 2013 1:30 p.m.

    I wonder how Bill Clinton would respond to this article?

  • Spikey Layton, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 11:06 a.m.

    The sad thing is that people have affairs because their needs aren't being met at home. Both of these people (the husband who is being cheated on, and the cheater) both have issues that are not being dealt with.

    I agree with Angela, keep the topic OFF the subject of cheating. Something strange about the fact that she likes to talk about her affairs. Shameful really.

  • jlglex Provo, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 11:03 a.m.

    If she is that bad at being a wife, she will probably not be a very good friend either.

    Keep your distance.

  • Bebyebe UUU, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 10:56 a.m.

    Say "I don't want to hear about it". Non-mormons won't want to hear about it either.

  • eastcoastcoug Danbury, CT
    Sept. 22, 2013 5:43 a.m.

    I would say to the friend "it doesn't matter what I think about it...what do you and your spouse think about it?" "Your obligation regarding fidelity is between you and him...what have you two discussed and agreed?" If she is your friend, ask her how important the friendship is and if there is honesty and transparency between you two. Sounds like the person wants the same one-sided honesty from you that she is expecting from her spouse.

    As for the label (Prude), I would challenge her on that and say that there has to be a pre-condition to our friendship: no negative labels. This person seems to want all relationships on her terms.

  • PAtoUT Midvale, UT
    Sept. 22, 2013 12:53 a.m.

    As one who was the wife who was being cheated on, I wouldn't want the friendship or ear of that woman at the office. Does she realize she's being seen as a cheater, a lier, and one not to be trusted--by her own admission? This is a workplace. Gossip has a way of find the holes in the walls and cubicles. I don't know if anyone would want a friend like that in the first place.There are many that I politely say hello to if I pass them in a hallway, but do not have conversations with. I have to agree with those that encourage themselves to be seen as "one of those Mormons." To be one of those Mormons requires being honest, chaste, and virtuous. I think that's a good thing, not something to be put down. Think about it.

  • Xbalanque DC, VA
    Sept. 22, 2013 12:33 a.m.

    Reality check if you think this only happens with heterosexuals...

  • Stay the Course Salt Lake City, utah
    Sept. 22, 2013 12:07 a.m.

    affairs come from seeds of betrayal dishonesty selfishness and other deplorable seeds
    seeds planted in such polluted soil can only bear vile fruit

  • Twin Lights Louisville, KY
    Sept. 21, 2013 9:23 p.m.

    First, this is work and the friend with the affair has an obligation not to make others uncomfortable with what she talks about.

    Second, discussing an affair with a married individual would make a lot of people uncomfortable - not just Mormons or "prudes". Marriage vows still have meaning to many people.

    The friend may not take well to being asked not to talk about it. It will signal that "Help" sees something wrong with her friend's actions. The resulting guilt may end the friendship.

    The question of how to get her to stop rests one whether "Help" wants to try to stay in her friend's life and help her get out of this or whether she just needs to cut ties for her own sanity.

    Cheating has no good outcomes for "Help's" friend:

    1) He leaves his wife (and children?) and marries you. Now you have a husband who will likely cheat on you. And this option is unlikely.

    2) He drops you and moves on to a new affair.

    3) He drops you and stays with his wife and mends the relationship.

    Note that no option leaves you with the ability to complain about his actions.

  • stnicoll mesa, AZ
    Sept. 21, 2013 9:03 p.m.

    Not one of us is perfect-but a great opportunity to stand for your belief-expressing such belief should never be offending when in the right

  • high school fan Huntington, UT
    Sept. 21, 2013 7:37 p.m.


    I really wish that I had been told. I was suspicious but had no proof so I was out of the loop that I later found out that many had knowledge of. It was hard to get divorced after so many years of marriage but My life is great now and I am happy where I am at.

  • rlsintx Plano, TX
    Sept. 21, 2013 6:53 p.m.

    Tell her spouse, and step away. No one deserves to be cheated on. It'll fix itself after that, and you'll end up with friends you actually want to have.

  • higv Dietrich, ID
    Sept. 21, 2013 6:53 p.m.

    Neal A Maxwell talked about fashionable non judgementalism. I know someone that praised her present husband on facebook for giving up everything to become Dad to her daughter. How does her ex and present husbands ex feel about that I wonder.

    Hear people that are promiscuous talk about the judgemental jerks around. Do they care about a child born out of wedlock and the people they hurt in sin.

    There is a line I think between civility and when to say enough is enough. Why do people confess sins to there neighbors. John the Baptist gave his life saying it is not lawful to have brothers wife to Herod.

    I think there is time to tell people what they are doing is wrong. Even if they don't agree you don't need to condone there lifestyle.

  • GeoMan SALEM, OR
    Sept. 21, 2013 6:30 p.m.

    Well, I've never had this sort of problem because I think everyone I know does know that I'm one of those kind of Mormons (i.e. a Mormon that has high standards). I agree 100% with Angela on this one (as usual), some subjects are off limits/private and this would be one of those. Just because someone chooses to do something that is wrong doesn't give them the right to talk/brag about it to you. The problem is with the adulteress not the coworker.
    This entire discussion is all about heterosexuals preserving the sanctity of marriage. That is exactly the point.

  • The Scientist Provo, UT
    Sept. 21, 2013 3:24 p.m.

    More drama as heterosexuals preserve the sanctity of marriage...?

  • djk blue springs, MO
    Sept. 21, 2013 2:28 p.m.

    i have a friend whom felt her now exhusband was having an affair. i happen to be at a park and 'ta da' saw him with his 'friend'. he saw me and lets say he tried to explain his way out. didn't work. i contacted his wife and she knew for a fact then. his thoughts were 'if my wife didn't know it was ok and besides he had more love to share'. anyone whom cheats on their spouse is a cheater. doesn't matter if someone feels they can handle the situation. an affair is cheating PERIOD.

  • Gracie Boise, ID
    Sept. 21, 2013 1:10 p.m.

    @high school fan: "Nobody ever told me because they figured I knew".

    I've almost always heard that we should never tell the spouse when we know he/she's being cheated on. Since you've experienced this in your life, what do you think friends of yours should have done? Should they have talked to you? Should they have hinted you needed to check out the situation? What does a person do and remain true to you? Do you agree with the common response that everybody should stay out of it? I'm mostly curious because I've wondered about this for many years. What I've heard most often is that the well-intentioned friend who "tells" the spouse becomes a hated pariah to the one being cheated on as well as being considered having made a stupid move by everybody else.

  • The Caravan Moves On Enid, OK
    Sept. 21, 2013 12:29 p.m.

    Quote: "If not being cool with adultery makes you a “stereotypical Mormon” then embrace the stereotype."

    Amen, to THAT, sister!

    This 'friend' essentially wants you to communicate to her that her deceit/lies/immorality is not wrong and is trying to drag you down to her slothful level. Tell her you're not comfortable listening to her stories and let the chips fall where they may.

    Like the song says, you have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    Sept. 21, 2013 11:00 a.m.

    I agree with George/Jungle. If you run with dogs you're gonna get fleas. Befriend a moral coworker and tell this one thanks but no thanks.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    Sept. 21, 2013 10:05 a.m.

    In psychological warfare, betrayal is worse than rape. I would keep my distance from this person.

  • Julie R. Kearns, UT
    Sept. 21, 2013 8:41 a.m.

    I agree! Embrace the stereotype of knowing that extramarital affairs are wrong! I have personally seen too many examples of the grief, pain, anger, and damage that it causes, especially to the married couple, but also the children, close family members, and close friends.

  • LittleStream Carson City, NV
    Sept. 21, 2013 8:23 a.m.

    I agree with Angela on this one. If you want to continue being friends with this woman, it sounds as if its going to be difficult if you don't want to talk about her affair. Seems she wants to talk about it! Odd, if she is really trying to keep it from her husband. There is nothing wrong with being identified as a Mormon. I believe that says I have high standards and believe the family is important and that I love my husband for time and all eternity. Tell your friend that you don't feel comfortable discussing an affair with her.

  • TheWalker Saratoga Springs, UT
    Sept. 21, 2013 8:14 a.m.

    Talking about sexual encounters at work can create a hostile work environment, and if this immoral adultress doesn't stop bragging about her licentious activities, warn her that you will report her actions to HR, and perhaps her husband as well. The words to express this woman's character unfortunately cannot be stated here, but you can probably come up with a few on your own.

  • high school fan Huntington, UT
    Sept. 21, 2013 6:22 a.m.

    Being an ex of one of those women, I now believe that it is my obligation to inform spouses whenever I am fully aware of the situation. Nobody ever told me because they figured I knew but I didn't know for sure so I just kept believing her stories.