Carmen Rasmusen Herbert: Does Dr. Laura know what women want?

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  • pragmatistferlife salt lake city, utah
    Sept. 19, 2013 5:09 p.m.

    Why in the world DN is this on the opinion page? Nonsense, tripe, and who cares. Every family has it's own dynamics and standards...and?

  • Magnaman SALT LAKE CITY, UT
    Sept. 19, 2013 11:43 a.m.

    Dr. Laura interviewed thousands of husbands and asked them what they needed to feel loved. She wrote this book on what they said. I read it when it came out and I agree with it.I felt like finally someone wrote a book about what a husbands needs to feel loved..It surprised me to find it was so "controversial". If you want your husband to feel loved do these things. If you want him to not feel loved don't do these things. It is that simple. Stop looking at why you shouldn't or couldn't do these things and look at the reasons of why you should. Showing your husband you love him should trump them all.

  • Paul in MD Montgomery Village, MD
    Sept. 19, 2013 10:04 a.m.

    I believe the key is to find out what your spouse wants. That can change over time. What I valued most from my wife has changed a bit since I married her 26 years ago. That's normal. We try to talk enough to let each other know what is important to each of us.

    The discussion thread seems to be focused on the effort each spouse makes to look good for the other. While that has its place, in my own marriage it is far more important to each of use to pay focused attention on the other. I often come home and talk with my wife while I check e-mail or read the paper. She'll talk with me while she's cooking dinner or folding laundry.

    Normal stuff, but sometimes she wants me to put the paper down or log off of the computer and just talk with her. Just her. I feel the same way. Her undivided attention (a rare commodity with 5 kids) means much more to me than makeup and hairdos.

  • The Solution Las Cruces, NM
    Sept. 19, 2013 9:39 a.m.

    The real point was that us husbands need to find attraction in our wives even when they are playing mommie.

    Yes sometimes I have to remind my wife that I would like to have a little more effort for our intimate momments... but I realize that this is the exception and not the norm, because my wife is exhausted most of the time taking care of our kids. Since I have shared the burden at different times, playing her role when she had to be somewhere, I can appreciate how much work that entails. I also don't always shower nor shave in those situations.

    When my wife cleans up for church or other events, she is hot, and I let her know that I think so. This greatly improves my chances for some lovin later.

    gmlewis, the man who has been happily married for 40+ years now, gave us the key ingredient to be happy. If we compliment our wives whenever we can, she will automatically radiate and be that beautiful babe we fell in love with. Would that I could remember this all the time!

  • raybies Layton, UT
    Sept. 19, 2013 7:18 a.m.

    I think Ms Rasmussen missed Dr. Laura's point.

    I get that mommies have a tough job. But who decided that once the children come, mommy should no longer care whether or not her husband finds her physically attractive? I think it's a common mistake women make, they even think of their husbands as shallow if he mentions it.

    Most men, unless they have an oedipal complex, didn't marry the girl because she looked just like their mom. And the thought of physically intimacy with their mommies is... well, probably a turn-off, but that's what their wife is offering.

    If you lured him in using physical attraction then that's a component of what will keep you together.

    Ms. Rasmussen obviously has time to gussy up for a photo op for the paper, so why not solely for her husband? Nothing's more flattering to a man. I don't think Dr. Laura expects her to be a supermodel, just that care be given to remember that her man may be more visual than her and have needs that she may be neglecting.

  • flatlander Omaha, NE
    Sept. 19, 2013 7:17 a.m.

    My wife always freshens up and puts on something a little nicer when she goes to meet her friends or when they are coming over. It's important to her to look good to them.

  • Chase Saint George, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 11:42 p.m.

    Like her or not, Dr. Laura has a few years on the author; a few more mistakes, but a lot more wisdom.

  • jeanie orem, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 8:27 p.m.

    Dr. Laura is correct.

    It took me years to figure out that what communicated to my husband that he was important to me was different than what I needed from him. I stopped being so hyper-sensitive and taking suggestions, like the one that set this author off, so personally. Brushing my hair and a little make-up right before my hubby got home really spoke to him in a way I would not have supposed.

    It did not mean I was only acceptable if I "looked right". It just showed him that in spite of my 24/7 job as a mom of demanding little people I recognized that I was still his girlfriend and he mattered to me.

    And BTW Hutterite, it's good we grow up and change and it's kind to allow that for everyone. Would you want to be held hostage by stupid/bad things you did in your past?

  • Iron Rod Salt Lake City, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 6:53 p.m.

    We really ought not to take our spouses for granted.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 4:13 p.m.

    I asked my wife how she stays nice looking even in her pajamas. She said It's who I am Than she said she does it for herself.

  • gmlewis Houston, TX
    Sept. 18, 2013 2:53 p.m.

    As a husband, I found the perfect way to make my wife beautiful. Throughout our marriage, I would come home from work, take her in my arms, and say "Hi, beautiful" as I kissed her with all the passion I could muster. Her smile made her look more beautiful than if she were wearing an evening gown after hours at a hairdresser. She and I are in our sixties now, and she still looks beautiful, no matter how she is dressed. Attitude makes all the difference.

  • Hutterite American Fork, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 1:14 p.m.

    My earlier post, not surprisingly punted, was spot on. This 'Doctor' has engaged in activity in the past that would not be forgiven in this community in other circumstances.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 12:34 p.m.

    Good people give good gifts. The ultamet gift is your presents. You become immortal by how long your presents is appreciated after you've left. The difference between mortals and immortals is reason. The reason is, is because You matter. You Matter, That's the Spirit Of Things. The name of the Spirit is Jesus, who was a gift from God because He so loved the world. Love gives ya wings because you never know where your heart will take ya. It's more than an emotion. It's the ability to get into the Spirit Of Things. So, up until now. The past is determined. The future is uncertain. The present is what you've got.
    This is the Saint Nickles Theory.

  • CHS 85 Sandy, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 12:19 p.m.

    When I was a young kid, I remember my mom stopping what she was doing around 5:00 and taking some time to "look nice for when your father comes home." She would get up early and shower before dad left for work while dad got the kids ready for school.

    I agree with the above posters - Dr. Laura is spot on. Nothing makes a husband feel less appreciated than being the tenth priority on the list. If you are running so many errands, have so many commitments that you can't make your spouse a priority, then there's a bigger problem than you leggings and t-shirt.

  • majCoug Bagram, AE
    Sept. 18, 2013 11:41 a.m.

    Agree Pilot,

    It seems like the author took the extreme point of view that the interviewed man was demanding model looks from his wife and to me is not the correct context. Perhaps this observation hits too close to home and prompted her exaggeration.

    Your actions dictate where your priorities are. If your least effort or last thought is reserved for your spouse, the message is you are sending is that they least important and last thought of on list.

  • Pilot70 Orem, UT
    Sept. 18, 2013 5:48 a.m.

    If a wife makes an extra effort to dress for work, or church, or a school program, but doesn't do it, at least on occasion, for her husband (particularly on date night), or if she complains about it, she is sending a message that certain things are important enough to look nice for ... but her husband isn't THAT important. (The exact same can be said about husbands, by the way.) No one, including Dr. Laura, is saying a woman should look like a model all the time. That isn't reasonable. It certainly IS reasonable that women and men should make an effort to look nice for their spouse. It isn't even about looking "glamorous." It's about looking NICE, and cleaning-up. and, yes, doing it for someone else now and then, even if it isn't convenient. Is one part of continuing courtship into marriage. Some spouses just stop caring altogether, and Dr. Laura is spot-on correct with her advice.