Let me first start out with good job! I like that you weren't afraid to
enter the intimacy part of marriage. It is an important part and often
misunderstood. God has put intimacy in marriage for a reason and although it is
not to be demeaning or defiled, it is meant to be! A lot of people get confused
because we believe in not having premarital sex. In this world, people take for
granted how powerful a weapon that can be and is to only be used to increase the
bond between husband and wife.
If you have children, you are never really divorced. Ever.The ghost
of the former spouse will rise, unbidden, in subtle actions of those little
ones. you will learn to hate them... unless you learn (finally) to love your
ex. The same thing is true of those who do not love their in-laws.
I've watched otherwise decent men, some of them former Bishops and Stake
Presidents, hurl "You are just like your mother," or, "The apple
doesn't fall far from the tree," with hate-laden invective. It is
incredibly unkind (unless you love the mother, or the tree it fell from). There
is great wisdom in the fifth commandment (honor thy father and mother).
In the end, divorce is the formal seal, the diploma for having
learned apathy well and deeply. Apathy is, in many ways, worse than hate. It
is love's true opposite. But once your DNA intertwines and children are
present, they become the walking fabric of your past. You can divorce, but your
past spouse will never be gone once you have procreated. So,
learn to love her. Learn to love him. And Love to Live.
Marriage relationships are never static...always dynamic with ebbs and flows,
lows spots and high ground, passion and boredom, synchronicity and
disconnect.I've learned the secret is to not over-react to the
downturns in a marriage relationship. They are normal and human. Nothing is
necessarily "wrong" during these moments either. However, your behavior
during these moments is so important. They only thing more important than good
behavior is forgiveness when it is sincerely sought by the offender. Choose
love...always, even if it has to be a "choice" rather than a
"feeling".Married for 18 years now, and would do it all over
again if presented the same.
To: Neanderthal - you left out two of the most important ones: abuse and
infidelity. They will cause a divorce every time unless people choose to accept
that as part of their marriage. And to: The Scientist...a marriage without God
will only be temporary...the time is coming and there will be regret and
heartache. Marriage is defined with God and those who choose to not have Him be
part of their lives will some day be so sorry they made that selfish choice.
I have to agree with "Rainman"; it has become the common
"wisdom" that you should always put the children first. My Church
(LDS) has never taught that. It is a beautiful concept to love your
children because each loving spouse sees the image of their chosen mate in the
children they created together.My mother and father did a great job,
and worked together very well, in raising us. I would have liked to have heard
them endearingly calling one another by their first names regularly and being
unashamedly romantic around each other. I do agree that gives a very secure
feeling to a child every time it happens. It beats hearing your folks arguing
about "the children" (or anything else) hands down, but many children
face that trauma regularly.
@ Scientist"Ms. Divorced man trying to give marriage advice? How
silly."Like an atheist giving advice on God or religion?Seriously though, when you diminish other's ability to say their
part, you also diminish your own voice too.
Scientist, I am glad you have a wonderful wife who makes you happy. There are
many men who wish to be so lucky.
advise about God from an atheist . how silly
Divorce advice: unless you have to deal with her, never comment on her and
pretend she's dead. Seriously, move on and let her do the same. Act
together for the children and otherwise, it's time to move on - no matter
how that suits the other.
Over thirty years of marriage, no god needed, and we are as happy as ever!Mr. Divorced man trying to give marriage advice? How silly.
What a bunch of sexist tripe. Marriages are broken up unilaterally by both men
and women all the time. To assume that the man is always at fault or is
insufficient in the love he has given is simply not accurate and it is harmful,
derisive, and crippling to men who have suffered through this through no fault
of their own. In fact the belief that men are always at fault is a cause for
divorce for itself, as it is a fantasy that many women have in making themselves
feel entitled to leave a relationship for something that seems new, fun or
different instead of putting the effort in a real marriage.This guy
probably did make a bunch of mistakes, but he doesn't need to assume that
his is everyone's divorce.
Should a really read marriage tips from a divorced man?
Daniel LeifkerSan Francisco, CAWhenever I meet people for the first
time, they ask the usual things like "where do you live?" and "are
you married?" Twenty-five years ago, the usual response I would hear would
be something along of the lines of, "Well, I'm sure you will find the
right wife." But now, the usual response is "Never married? Smart
man!" What has changed in the last two decades?-----A
monumental increase in selfishness, materialism and pride.
@Gildas:"I liked your post a lot, and gave it my vote."Thank you."However, the last part does not gibe with my own
experience."What I'm trying to say is... study the
potential spouse's mom and dad. That's who he/she will emulate as an
adult. Some gals will be like their dad. Some like their mom. Are the parents
happy, friendly, loving, smiley, communicative, etc., or are they dower, grumpy,
demanding, short-tempered? Does the dad expect the wife's servitude? And
does she accommodate?"Likewise I had heard the advice previously
to study the mother, not the father, to understand my wife better."It's not an exact science.@shimmer:"Not all women
and wives don't like sex."Testosterone determines the drive
in both men and women, is my understanding. Some ladies don't got much and
the 'head-ache syndrome' takes over. "I happen to like
it as much, if not more, than my husband."The lucky guy."But too many marriages do fail because of the lack of communication
when it comes to intimacy."Communication is good. But, it
doesn't hold a candle to an innate desire for intimacy.
I've learned over 22 year of marriage that my wife and I have to put each
other first. Our children cannot take priority to our relationship. I have
found that if our relationship is strong, our relationship with our children is
strong. They see us happy and in love and they feel secure, willing to open up
and communicate. Also, from my religious perspective, my ticket to the celestial
kingdom is my wife, not my children. My wife is my top priority and my children
a very close second.
@ NeanderthalNot all women and wives don't like sex. I happen
to like it as much, if not more, than my husband. But too many marriages do fail
because of the lack of communication when it comes to intimacy.
If the Deseret News had published his list, it wouldn't have been able to
resist turning it into a slideshow!
I wonder if Mr. Rogers heard any of the things of which he writes from his ex
and how selfishly he/she expressed themselves during the unhappy times.
@ NeanderthalI liked your post a lot, and gave it my vote. However,
the last part does not gibe with my own experience.I had a father
and mother who stayed married to one another until one died. I
think it would have been different if I had been raised exclusively by my
mother, which is indeed the case with an alarming number of young men, but that
not being my case, it is my father that I modeled myself upon, not my mother.
Likewise I had heard the advice previously to study the mother, not
the father, to understand my wife better. So, while I am considering your
advice in this regard, the most I can say is that my wife behaves like her
mother, but looks for a man like her father, which fortunately I am.
There's three main reasons for divorce... money, sex, and rearing children.
That's it.Money: One or the other in the marriage is frugal
while the other is a spendthrift. The frugal one goes bizzerk when money is
wasted. The other thinks money grows on trees.Sex: Guys, per Mother
Nature, like alot. Gals, per the same Mother Nature, not so much. Unless there
is give on both sides, the marriage is doomed. This is a lifetime issue.
Please talk this issue over before saying 'I do' or you'll be
sorry.Rearing children: Some like strict discipline. Some
don't. If each of the partners have different backgrounds in child
discipline there will be problems. This is a toughy because you can never find
out what level of discipline the other obtained from being reared by their
respective parents.To the guys... you are not only marrying the
girl, you are marrying her father. Her approach to life will mirror her
father's. Examine the father carefully.To the gals... You are
not only marrying the guy, you are marrying his mother. His approach to life
will mirror his mother's. Examine the mother carefully.
When my husband and I, married 25 years last April, received the daily email
with Deseret News story headlines we had a chuckle about how a divorced man
could give marital advice. Then I read the article and was instantly humbled.
It's true that we can learn things from people who we might not expect
could teach us anything. I am printing out this article and sharing it and I
will be utilizing it as well. There is a huge lesson here not only about how to
be a better spouse but on not squandering opportunities to learn something and
improve ourselves in the moment and not after we have completely messed up a
situation. I felt sorry that Mr Rogers had already lost his marriage but I am
happy for him that he was able to sit down and reflect upon what went wrong. So
many times people who fail in whatever area neglect to do that and squander an
opportunity to improve themselves. Hopefully Mr Rogers will find somebody and
be able to apply his advice successfully.
I hope Mrs. Rogers reads this article and also her ex=husband's blog of
what he realizes he did wrong. Maybe she should give him a second chance and
start dating this repentant and changed man that she fell in love with years
ago. If for no other reason....their children who love them both!
Whenever I meet people for the first time, they ask the usual things like
"where do you live?" and "are you married?" Twenty-five years
ago, the usual response I would hear would be something along of the lines of,
"Well, I'm sure you will find the right wife." But now, the usual
response is "Never married? Smart man!" What has changed in the last
What men and women need from a marriage are pretty much the same: love and
respect and continued courtship. It goes both ways. This man has
described someone who has failed, unilaterally apparently, to provide these
things in his marriage. Fair enough.For someone who could check all
those boxes at least as well or better than their divorcing spouse, another kind
of article is needed. How about it Deseret News? Let's make it about a
good husband this time with a wife who is never pleased with anything he does.
Marriage is not for the weak. I find it amusing, that every divorced
friend/relative I've ever known, thought their lives would be better if
only they had a different partner....all they did was trade one set of problems
for a different set. In addition, once children are involved, it is no longer
about you...the children take priority....marriage is not easy....but worth the
I've got the "being silly" part licked. (Still working on the other
Wookie,I'm sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you.
The loudest noise I have ever witnessed was the deafening sound of silence the
day my daughters mother left. No more do I hear little feet on a daily basis
running around my house. I will not eat at my dinner table unless my girls are
"home". My pride got the best of me and subsequently added to my part
in our marriage ending in divorce. I wish I would have let pride go and humbled
myself and learned what God was trying to teach me. This man's advice is
very inspired and helpful. But for me, all of those things that keep you from
doing what you are supposed to do all stem from pride. God Bless
Marriage, happy or not.God Speed to those who need help in securing
There is good days and bad ones, the longest days are the ones you will have to
hear all the dumb things you have ever done. What can you say to it all, cause
ya know it's true. and the future is uncertain. Sorry doesn't make it.
All I try to do , is try to show her that she matters, even tho she doesn't
want me to touch her. Those are the longest ones. I show her how thankful I an
to have her in my life.