Ask Angela: He never pays for anything on our dates

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  • rnoble Pendleton, OR
    July 24, 2013 11:46 a.m.

    The lost or forgotten wallet should be a temporary pay circumstance. When next they got together the first thing discussed should have been here is the money I owe you. Same thing with the tickets while he parks. Hand her the money or pay as they enter the venue. If this guy is charming enough to want around some more she should take steps to start going dutch. My personal position would be less time with this guy and more time with other things/guys/girls.

  • Rikki Michelle London, 00
    June 19, 2013 8:16 p.m.

    Every situation is different of course.. but I learned the hard way myself!! :P
    I was with my partner for 12 years, when in the beginning I payed for everything his reason was that he was "Laid Off / worked seasonal" ... and I spent the next 12 years paying for Everything!! He even moved in stating he needed a place to crash while he got things sorted out & didn't have a place to go (at the time I had no idea that he was in a lot of debt!!)!! At first I felt glad that I could help him out & he was a nice enough guy, I liked him & the attraction was definitely there, but then I learned over the years that he was just very good at manipulation and put me into a great deal of debt I am now working myself out of!! ~My Advice, BEWARE!!! Being Nice can easily be taken advantage of!!

  • goducks SANTA CLARA, UT
    June 19, 2013 1:17 p.m.

    He's a loser. Move on. Any if he says he is sorry, and he wont make you pay again, it is just his way of continuing to manipulate you. He has shown his true colors. Adios.

  • jimhale Eugene, OR
    June 19, 2013 10:43 a.m.

    This story and the words "he's a cool guy" do not go together. I think what the writer meant to say was "I'm attracted to this guy. Tell me it's okay that he is a jerk." Other than that, it's a great letter.

  • loveless center valley, pa
    June 18, 2013 5:39 p.m.

    I can't believe that this is even a question! Any self-respecting man pays for a date!! Give me a break!! The question that needs to be asked of this confused young lady is this: What kind of man are you interested in, a man who who wants to be a man, or a man who wants to supported?

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    June 18, 2013 1:09 p.m.

    How about just telling him straight-out. "Hey, I'm beginning to feel like I'm being mooched. How about you pay this time?"

    Men deal with things like this better if it is just open and honest.

  • gee-en Salt Lake City, UT
    June 17, 2013 11:00 a.m.

    Something odd about him for sure. One way to easily bring up this subject...the next time he calls to ask you out (if there is a next time) tell him that going out sounds like fun, but you're a little low on money and can't afford it right now. See where that conversation takes you. You might have the chance to remind him that you paid for the last four dates, you might be able to share how awkward it was stalling for time at the restaurant, you might be able to bring up that it seems like an excuse that he seems to always forget his wallet, you might bring up many of the ideas people brought up here that it is kind of a cultural norm to pay when you are the one doing the asking out (the analogy of inviting someone over to your house for dinner and then expecting that they bring their own food is great)

  • LittleStream Carson City, NV
    June 17, 2013 8:38 a.m.

    Kiddo, he is a freeloader or doesn't have a job. In either case this doesn't bode well for the future and you will get really tired carrying him. He chooses the place, he pays. You choose the place you pay.

  • Rocket3Pop Harrisville, UT
    June 17, 2013 4:23 a.m.

    It's very simple and common sence. Whoever asks another person to go with them to dinner, a movie, the zoo or where ever it may be, should be polite and courtious to pay for the activity because the one doing the asking is also aking the other person to put aside whatever they would be otherwise engaged in to spend time with them. Effectively and politely communicate.

  • KWL Bountiful, UT
    June 16, 2013 8:57 p.m.

    It's not old fashioned, it's basic hospitality. Would you invite someone to your house for dinner then ask why they didn't bring the food? Girl or guy, you ask, you pay--unless you cleary communicate ahead of time that you're going Dutch or expect the other person to fork up for it.

    And, if you ever wind up in a restaurant with this guy again when he tries to stiff you for the bill, tell the waiter you want separate checks.

  • Juan Figuroa Seattle, WA
    June 16, 2013 8:17 a.m.

    Whomever invites, pays. See how easy that is?

    The only exception is when it's made clear beforehand that all parties are paying for themselves. Here's how that's worded: "I'm/We're going to/meeting at Denny's tonight/Thursday at 5:30. If you'd like to join us/me, that'd be great."

  • AZ Blue & Red Gilbert, AZ
    June 15, 2013 11:25 p.m.

    I think the Sound of Music said it best.

    “So long, fare well, auf wiederschen, goodbye!”

    Dump the dirtbag!

  • micki Sebastopol, CA
    June 15, 2013 5:59 p.m.

    If you don't speak up, but have expectations anyway, should you be disappointed if he doesn't pay? One date, maybe not, but if it keeps happening and is bothering you, say something! The dating relationship is what sets the tone for the future relationship if there is one. Personally, I believe in "going Dutch" each paying for their own share, until the relationship goes in a more serious direction. I am not potential chattel, I have a job and can support myself, so unless the relationship is getting serious, I think I can pay my own way.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    June 15, 2013 4:59 p.m.

    If the guy has any honor, He would respect your property. That means your money, body any thing that is yours, even your opinion.

  • John Pack Lambert of Michigan Ypsilanti, MI
    June 15, 2013 3:36 p.m.

    I'm old school enough to think the guy should generally pay. However I would also say their might be better ways to balance the cost of dates. However, these should be worked out before hand. The assumption is if the guy asks out, he will pay. If there is going to be another system, it should be communicated clearly before the date. It should not be covered by "lost wallets", or seeing who can stand the awkwardness of not having paid longer.

  • OlderGreg USA, CA
    June 15, 2013 2:36 p.m.

    I invite, I pay.

    I do occasionally add a caveat where respect for independence is an issue ---- i.e. "it'll cost you a bit of slave time in the garden", or "my turn, this time", or " I need a bit of help trying this (place, new dish, scary thing) out", or "dutch treat".

    The important thing is that it is done at the time the invitation is given.

  • jans Pickerington, OH
    June 15, 2013 1:37 p.m.

    Whomever invites and picks the venue and activities is the one who pays for the date, unless the girl prefers to go dutch treat because she wishes to avoid feeling like she "owes" the guy for paying for the date he invited her on.

    Aside from that, as Cheryl has been on several dates already, she needs to be upfront and bring this up before any more dates occur. Maybe they can take turns in picking and paying if he is a decent guy and worth more time. If he is strapped, he needs to communicate this and get over his pride. If he is not, and is just a moocher, she needs to know now before she wastes any more of her time. This is red flag behavior that indicates the level of maturity of your date.

  • Shuzzie53 HAYWARD, CA
    June 15, 2013 1:22 p.m.

    I'm wondering why this column is in the Faith section.

  • pogo8702 SOUTH SALT LAKE, UT
    June 15, 2013 12:58 p.m. not walk ... to the nearest exit. I would never treat a woman like that and neither would any decent male figure that I know.

  • caf Bountiful, UT
    June 15, 2013 12:42 p.m.

    Vienna25, I LOVE your answer! It made me laugh. The possible downside would be that she would end up in an embarrassing situation if he takes her to another nice restaurant. I have to side with most of the other readers and Angela on this one. Something is fishy with this guy.

  • Swedish reader Stockholm, Sweden
    June 15, 2013 11:03 a.m.

    One of my daughters once dated a guy who never took her anywhere, but always showed up at her place around dinner time. After a while she started wondering what was up, so she performed a little experiment - she had dinner BEFORE the time of day he usually showed up. He was annoyed! Then she started to find out that he'd out-and-out lied to her about things - major things. Needless to say, she said goodbye. A few months later she met a wonderful guy to whom she is now married. Don't waste time with a guy who takes advantage of you and/or won't be honest with you about his possible financial difficulties.

    June 15, 2013 10:16 a.m.

    I guess I'm older-fashioned. If a guy asks a girl out, he pays. (If a girl asks a guy out, she should pay.) That's what I always did. Then I married, and because I asked her to marry me I kept on paying. For everything. And I'm still paying for everything. It's the least I could do. And it's the best deal I've ever gotten.

  • Vienna25 Anchorage, AK
    June 15, 2013 10:10 a.m.

    Honey- now is not the time to turn him away! Now is the time to pull a similar card. ;) intentionally go out without a purse or cell phone! It'll be a great evening for you - free from social media. Plus, we all want to hear how he reacts.

    You deserve a free date, especially since he's good company!

  • cns St George, Utah
    June 15, 2013 10:01 a.m.

    I guess I'm old fashioned but in the early stages of a relationship the guy should offer to pay. After the couple has been dating a while it should be 50 / 50.

  • Joan Watson TWIN FALLS, ID
    June 15, 2013 9:08 a.m.

    Advise - don't be stupid - or naive. Before this egoistic moocher asks for another in a series of one sided dates - give him the old heave-ho.

  • atl134 Salt Lake City, UT
    June 15, 2013 8:49 a.m.

    I've never paid for both of us in a date despite offering most times. It's always ended up being each paying for our own part of it.

  • higv Dietrich, ID
    June 15, 2013 7:04 a.m.

    I would think for the most part guys pay for the date. Sometimes people forget stuff. But money and time management are habits too. On my mission I knew missionaries always out of money and wanting to leach off companions and others that did not spend though that is against mission rules. You get the same amount of support money every month.

    For time management same thing I know people who are late no matter what don't know how to be on time. In movie look who's talking rival suitor tells date that the lady likes to pay for everything herself. I don't know why anyone would be that naïve though.

  • Dennis Harwich, MA
    June 15, 2013 6:07 a.m.

    I've known these kind of men all my life. If you're willing to accept "I forgot my wallet" you'll accept any excuse from this guy. He'll penny pinch everything you ever do if you hang with this guy. Could I be wrong, possibly, but I doubt it.
    In this world it's important to find someone who at least seems to own a wallet.