Ask Angela: He's engaged, but we still talk late at night

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  • antodav TAMPA, FL
    May 31, 2013 7:37 p.m.

    OR, it could be a sign that he doesn't really want to marry this girl that he's engaged to and that he really wants to be with the other girl. Maybe she is not satisfying his emotional needs and he doesn't really love her, even though he got engaged to her for some unknown reason.

    Maybe it's family pressure. Maybe there's an age difference. There could be a whole bunch of different reasons why this is happening.

    Just saying. Somebody's got to play Devil's advocate here, since everybody, in true Mormon fashion, has taken to judging him without knowing all the facts first.

    Separating from someone you have a close emotional connection with even when you form bonds with someone else is easier said than done. Not everyone finds their "one true love" and then cuts off everyone else in their life of the opposite gender. Sometimes marriages fail and people end up re-marrying to those who were once just friends. Life and love are not that black and white.

    When Taylor Swift sings about situations like this, nobody thinks it's "sick" or "creepy". IDK why it is now.

  • Dennis Harwich, MA
    May 31, 2013 5:31 a.m.

    Let's use the real word involved here. He's a "Cheater". Very simple.
    He's cheating on her and he'll cheat on you.

    May 29, 2013 7:57 p.m.

    EnosEugenius: You're going to have to translate your acronyms for the "old folks". I LOL every time someone over 50 thinks it means "Lots of Love!"

  • LittleStream Carson City, NV
    May 29, 2013 8:36 a.m.

    There is no such thing as "a little committed". In the best of relationships true love and commitment are hard enough. This man hasn't made up his mind. I hope he doesn't marry until he has truly decided. If not, he could very well hurt both girls.

  • EnosEugenius Shenandoah, IA
    May 28, 2013 12:17 p.m.

    People in a committed, exclusive relationship must be VERY careful about actual relationships with other members of the opposite gender, AND about the appearances that they create. Your "significant other" has the right to feel secure in the relationship. Long chats, time alone, frequent conversations and visits, etc., with "someone else" not only increase the probability of actual impropriety but, just as importantly, can give the APPEARANCE of impropriety. Matt. 5:27-28. For example, if I have an appointment with a woman, I insist that my wife (who is also my assistant) stay in the office as long as the client is there. We also have no "secret" friends or time alone with others.

    However, two differing observations. First, it is possible (observing the above restrictions) to have close friends of the opposite gender. Second, I would ask this guy where his heart really is. He appears to be having doubts; reaching out to his ex could be a symptom, not the problem. Without knowing his true feelings, we can't say whether this is due to impropriety or emotional confusion. He should hold off on the marriage until he can figure out these feelings.

  • EnosEugenius Shenandoah, IA
    May 28, 2013 11:45 a.m.

    atl134: You will find that the LDS idea of a "date" is quite different than many ideas of "dates." Yes -- going mini-golfing with a girl is a "date." Doing anything with a girl can be a "date." It might matter what the intent of the parties is, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

    LCDR Joanne Galloway: (knocks on door to Kaffee's apartment, Kaffee answers) I'm sorry to bother you, I should have called first.
    LTJG Daniel Kaffee: No, no, I was just watching a ball game. Come on in.
    Galloway: I was wondering if... how you would feel about my taking you to dinner tonight.
    Kaffee: Are you asking me out on a DATE??
    Galloway: No...
    Kaffee: It sounded like you were asking me out on a date.
    Galloway: I wasn't.
    Kaffee: I've been asked out on dates before, and that's what it sounded like.
    Galloway: Do you like seafood? I know a good seafood place.

    -- "A Few Good Men" (1992)

  • Movingforward Anchorage, AK
    May 27, 2013 11:57 a.m.

    My first love was with someone I dated a little over two years with hopes of marriage. He was indecisive about the possibility of marriage. During our relationship, at one point he confessed that he had kissed another girl on an out of town school excursion. It hurt but I forgave him. Our dating continued. But, so did his indecisiveness. I finally fasted and prayed about our relationship and surprisingly felt that I was not to continue this relationship. As HARD as it was I broke up with him. He returned with an engagement ring and proposed. The moment I had been waiting for had come and I knowing and trusting my answer from above sadly had to say no. He later reconnected with an old girlfriend and announced that they were engaged but then would surprisingly pop in to see me and tell me that he was still in love with both of us. Opportunity availed itself to leave the state and return home to have a fresh start. I'm glad that I did. I met my husband there and we have seven beautiful children. I'm enjoying my happily ever after, I hope that he is too.

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    May 27, 2013 10:41 a.m.

    A lot of assumptions going on here. Has anyone bothered to ask the fiance what she thinks?

  • Rustymommy Clovis, NM
    May 26, 2013 5:23 p.m.

    I predict trouble in the future for this guy's relationships. He sounds like one of those guys who can never break up with one girl till he has another waiting in the wings. In this case, since he was engaged less than a week after breaking up with the first girl, he was obviously cheating on the first girl to begin with. Guys with this syndrome seldom change. She's lucky to be out from under him. His fiancee can expect trouble as he looks for the security of another relationship just in case of a break up. Having been there and done that, I can tell you that it ruined a marriage for me. Guys who try to straddle both sides of the line are a recipe for trouble. Get out and stay out. Find a guy who thinks you are his one and only for now and always, not a guy who can't ever quite be certain that he wants to stick out a relationship.

  • atl134 Salt Lake City, UT
    May 26, 2013 12:29 p.m.

    "Dating is not "going steady""

    What you consider dating I tend to consider hanging out and what you consider going steady I tend to consider dating. You're right that both of us would find a decent amount of aggrement from people (probably you more than me since we established that LDS and Utah demographics think of it more like how you do and this is an LDS Utah based newspaper).

    I remember once saying that I hadn't been on a date in a long time. The friend I was with noted I'd said I'd gone miniature golfing with someone only like a week before. I said I considered that hanging out and not a date. He disagreed. I noted she had/has a boyfriend. He still argued that it was a date.

  • t702 Las Vegas, NV
    May 26, 2013 8:53 a.m.

    Why the heck is she still taking his calls? The fact that she still talks to him tells me she still thinks there is a chance he will come back. If she can't see that this is a clear indication of what type of personality she will be dealing as husband and wife... hope she prepare herself for a lot more of this at marriage

  • Europe Topeno, Finland
    May 26, 2013 7:13 a.m.

    Actually... It's hard for him to loose you as a friend... which he can still be, but if he is engaged YOU need to tell him to develop a friendship with his bride - not you! No more call that should be with girlfriend...
    And ... What's wrong with having friends that are opposite gender? Lucky me I have a few,, BUT only one best FRIEND, my wife.

  • GeoMan SALEM, OR
    May 25, 2013 10:20 p.m.

    You apparently live in a different world than KinCO and I. Dating is not "going steady" and one is much more likely to find a life, or eternal, companion by dating lots of different people. There is no reason that a person should serially date just one person until they've definitely made up their mind about that person. If one friend is busy on the night of the symphony, then a person should ask another friend to accompany them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints explicitly encourages this approach. That is why you correctly observe that it is common at BYU, and in Utah. It is only after one begins to think they want to consider the possibility of marriage that one should, or need, date one person exclusively.
    Everyone is entitled to their own approach and opinions, but I'm just saying that what you seem to be advocating comes across as bizarre to me (and apparently KinCO). I suspect you might find I have lots of company. (That isn't to say you don't have lots of company too.)

  • AnonSMF Sacramento, CA
    May 25, 2013 5:49 p.m.

    He's not doing you or his bride to be any favors. Tell him not to call you any more, and if you have caller ID don't accept his phone calls. The fact that you're patient and have been willing to talk to him speaks volumes about your kindness and generosity. What he's doing calling you late at night while engaged to someone else, tells me that he's dishonest and just my humble opinion not ready for marriage. You deserve better than that, and I hope some day soon you will me the one who loves you and treats you with the reverence and respect that you are deserving.

  • atl134 Salt Lake City, UT
    May 25, 2013 5:34 p.m.

    It is not normal to be dating multiple people at the same time. BYU leads all colleges in this nation in number of different dating partners a student has on average.

    I am fully aware of the difference between dating and engagement and do not support anything beyond a normal friendship for anyone who is engaged when it comes to friends of the opposite gender. I'm just saying that I'm not surprised this sort of thing turns up in Utah.

  • push-n-day-zees Salt Lake, UT
    May 25, 2013 3:38 p.m.

    Sounds like this guy wants his cake and to eat it too. Loose the jerk, honey. He's a player and not husband material for anyone right now. You wouldn't want him coming back to you and playing phone footsie with anyone else, would you? There again this maximum should apply: Be the kind of person you want to marry!

  • KinCO Fort Collins, CO
    May 25, 2013 2:50 p.m.

    atl134--are you nuts?? Dating many different people is normal, mature behavior. It is how we learn who we are compatible with and who we might choose for a permanent partner. Being engaged is entirely different--it is a committed relationship. If you cannot tell the difference, then I'd advise against making any long-term commitments.

    I agree with Angela. Intimate conversation belongs in the intimate relationship--the engagement. One can be great friends with someone of the opposite sex, but those kinds of conversations cement the intimate relationship, and if they are being directed to someone else, that engagement is in trouble. I feel sorry for his fiancee--it sounds like he really hasn't made up his mind yet. I hope it's a long engagement.

  • atl134 Salt Lake City, UT
    May 25, 2013 11:53 a.m.

    Not surprising in a culture where you're encouraged to date many different people.

  • djk blue springs, MO
    May 25, 2013 11:18 a.m.

    this young man or young woman need to step back and focus on the reality. engagement means 'promised' to someone else. if that respect and love is not there then the engagement needs to be severed. NO one should be engaged and have long phone conversations with the opposite sex even if they are good friends. this shows poor judgement. YES guys and girls can be good friends without there being a love attraction BUT the respect still needs boundaries. the young man or young woman whom is engaged should stop this late night long conversations. the other should have the maturity to say 'you are engaged which means you should be focusing on the one you are engaged to '. PERIOD

  • ? SLC, UT
    May 25, 2013 10:47 a.m.

    He's not being fair to either you nor his bride to be. How would he feel if the tables were turned and it was you who were engaged or if his fiancé continued to speak way into the night to someone other than him? Unless he is marrying you, he needs to stop that. Not saying you can't still be friends with or ever talk to him, but day time and possibly better in the presence of other people. The person you marry should be or become your best friend over any other person. Otherwise maybe you shouldn't marry that person. This goes for him, too. Something about leaving father and mother and cleaving to your husband or wife and none else.

  • caf Bountiful, UT
    May 25, 2013 10:22 a.m.

    Too creepy that anyone feels a close relationship with some one of the opposite gender - once they are married - is acceptable. I don't envy the fiancee either and I agree with Angela. It isn't appropriate AT ALL. Some relationships like that don't end up in an affair but those that I have witnessed are not relationships that I envy either. The same thing usually happens when one spouse has a lifestyle that they just can't give up, the relationship suffers. How many guys are better to their cronies or business peers than their wives? How many wives shop till they drop even when the bills are piling up? A good marriage takes some REAL commitment from both parties. The ultimate scenario is when the spouses are each others BEST friends.

  • uwishtoo MESA, AZ
    May 25, 2013 8:24 a.m.

    Um ever hear of being friends with en ex or the opposite sex? I am best friends with a man I briefly dated 6 years ago and no matter who he dates I will always be his best friend, can't change that and women who have tried to all find themselves gone in a very short time.

  • Cats Somewhere in Time, UT
    May 25, 2013 8:22 a.m.

    This guy is not only selfish, he's cruel. I don't envy his fiancee.