Ask Angela: I lied to my fiance, now we're getting married

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  • SlopJ30 St Louis, MO
    April 3, 2013 12:59 p.m.

    I'm just approaching this from a practical POV, and Angela already touched on the first thing I thought of: He's going to find out at some point; isn't it better that it come from you? How is this a hard decision?

    You're not confessing to some horrible dark secret. You dated a guy after you said you wouldn't. Meh; so? Why anguish over revealing something you did that is perfectly normal? Tell him and move on. If it's a huge deal to him, he's not ready to be married.

  • LValfre CHICAGO, IL
    April 3, 2013 12:24 p.m.

    I had a Mormon girlfriend lie to me about a bunch of stuff when we were dating. We're married now and it still hurts. Tell him the truth. It wasn't the truth that kills me .. it was the fact that she lied so much about it and for years manipulated me. I still don't know what to believe to this day.

    Lies hurt far worse than truth and break all trust.

    "Serious ex boyfriend" sounds like non-chaste which is what I've dealt with. You have to tell him the truth ... it's not right to work him over like that.

  • raybies Layton, UT
    April 2, 2013 9:34 a.m.

    There are things you tell and things you don't tell.

    It's clear it bothers you, so tell. There are lots of girls who make promises to be true, and then don't hold to them, because they meet another guy. In the missionfield, this is the point of a Dear John letter, and it's kind of a good-mannered joke among the missionaries...

    Trust me, he can handle it.

  • SLC gal Salt Lake City, UT
    April 2, 2013 8:23 a.m.

    Making the agreement was "young n' dumb". His exepecting you to stick to it was "young n' dumb". So far the only thing that doesn't sound "young n' dumb" was the very thing that's brought you to this point (and I'm not talking about the big lie). You also mention this 'sidebar' you had was serious. Make 110% sure you are absolutely, irrevocably over the other guy (honestly, it doesn't sound like you might be) before you move forward with any other plans.

    You wouldn't be the first girl to date around while he's out there, I'm sure you also wouldn't be the first to lie about it, or get married and have regrets later on. You also wouldn't be the first to have your marriage end in divorce.

    Whatever you do, make sure it's not the product of being "young n' dumb".

  • dustman Nampa, ID
    April 1, 2013 4:09 p.m.

    First, what a one-sided promise.
    Second, if it bothers you that much, tell him. If he calls it off, you're better off without him. Does it bother you because you broke a promise, or because you think he'll find out about it later? It sounds like the latter to me. Just tell him. Then roll with it. There are plenty of men out there willing to love you more than this dude if he calls it off.

  • rlsintx Plano, TX
    April 1, 2013 9:56 a.m.

    Integrity is what you do when no one is watching.

    If the agreement was breached, come clean. From my 50 years experience, people who are dishonest about things like this continue in the same vein after marriage. Try marriage with someone whose trust you have not already abused, because this thing will come up every time you have trials in marriage.

  • Habib Assi Salt Lake City, Utah
    April 1, 2013 8:51 a.m.

    The so called "agreement" was very unreasonable on both sides--for two years come on! What if had come home and did not want to get married--you would wasted two years of your life. Of course you should have dated--he should feel lucky that you are still around. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! Just tell him that you could not be expected to sit in your room for two years--you dated and had a great time--but you are glad the two of you are getting married--if he calls it off or is a jerk about it--you should send him packing!

  • Dennis Harwich, MA
    April 1, 2013 5:58 a.m.

    You're getting married because (it seems)
    A. You want a wedding and all thing things that accompany it and,
    B. Your fiance is a Returned Missionary.
    Neither of those are good enough reasons.
    A broken engagement is a successful engagement, a broken marriage is not a successful marriage.

  • JohnJacobJingleHeimerSchmidt Beverly Hills, CA
    April 1, 2013 5:27 a.m.

    The promise was made whether it was easily broken, a bad idea, good idea. Tell him and let the chips fall where they may. True personality is revealed in time of crisis for the gal and the guy. If they can work through it together, so be it, if they can't then they are better off.

    The dating while he was gone indicates to me that the gal in this relationship knows on some level the missionary is not "The One" but that is for her to figure out. Missionaries would be less distracted by not worrying if a waiting partner is going to stay true or not.

  • Ranch Here, UT
    March 31, 2013 8:28 p.m.

    For once I agree with J-TX (pretty much unheard of).

    Great advice KinCO, probably even better than Angela's.

  • J-TX Allen, TX
    March 31, 2013 4:59 p.m.

    Breaking the promise = No big deal. It was a pie crust promise - easily made, easily broken.

    But lying about it = HUGE DEAL. He needs to hear the truth, and that it's not breaking the promise that's eating at you, but telling the lie.

    Good luck.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    March 31, 2013 12:58 p.m.

    I can't imagine living with my self if I was to shear a life together and having a secret It would be a lie that can be heart breaking. The longer you hide the more mind boggling, why you wasn't honest. Have faith in forgiveness. Every one knows that on one is perfect. Lie-ing cheating and thief's can't be ever respected or trusted. you earn that.

  • higv Dietrich, ID
    March 31, 2013 10:47 a.m.

    Why do people make those type of promises anyway. No missionaries wife has ever gotten married while he was in the field. Someone shouldn't be bound while there boyfriend is on a mission and he should concentrate on the work. A faithful missionary won't worry about what his significant other does and can still find a good wife if she does not wait for him.

  • GeoMan SALEM, OR
    March 31, 2013 1:11 a.m.

    She absolutely needs to repent of the lie and that includes coming clean with the truth. Dating while he served wasn't a big deal. Lying about it is a HUGE deal. She and her prospective husband need to get this worked out BEFORE the wedding.

    A lie like this will likely cause the same sort of grief as the proverbial wedge that was left in the crook of the tree (look it up in general conference talks). It will create a weakness in their marriage that need not be there. Just tell the truth and get this mess cleaned up. Make sure it happens before the wedding.

  • trentster TUSTIN, CA
    March 30, 2013 9:46 p.m.

    Agree with spikey. The "promise" was probably his idea, with an attempt to control her for the two years he was gone. Any young man who requires this form of behavior from a girl for two years is displaying behavior that should require more scrutiny on her part. A lifetime of control may be awaiting her.

  • Spikey Layton, UT
    March 30, 2013 5:24 p.m.

    Promise not to date others? That was easy for him, and he expected it from you? I would run for the hills, personally.

  • kargirl Sacramento, CA
    March 30, 2013 2:08 p.m.

    If you don't tell him and he never finds out, still, you know and God does. That will always be between you. And it could open a way, although this may not happen, to justify more of that kind of thing, in large and small areas of your life together. If you do tell him later, he may not ever truly feel close to you, confide in you, or trust you. If you tell him now, you two can at least fully discuss it and, if you decide to still marry, please do yourselves a favor and seek counseling beforehand--it's eternity we're discussing here, and as someone who has seen the saddest (divorce) and best (my loved one passed away after 13 years) of man-woman relationships, it is better to seek that counseling now than try to achieve understanding later, when feelings are not so kindly towards one another.

  • bountifulmomofsix BOUNTIFUL, UT
    March 30, 2013 12:10 p.m.

    Lying about something like this before marriage makes me wonder if the relationship is not very solid, else, why the lie? Is the worried girl thinking that this is her only chance for marriage and so she can't handle that the relationship may end? OR is she comfortable with "little white lies" and this is a peak into her future anytime an uncomfortable situation arises? Angela has great advice. I am concerned for both parties.

  • utah cornhusker NORFOLK, NE
    March 30, 2013 11:58 a.m.

    having served a mission myself it seems like there were many of those promises made like noted above. I would be honest and tell him and hope that he undserstwnds but he needs to know the truth. Good luck and God bless.

  • darkrats Canada, 00
    March 30, 2013 11:39 a.m.

    What concerns me is the phrase "had a pretty serious boyfriend". You didn't need to include this description when asking for advice, but you did. So, I'm guessing it was more than just going places together. Tell your fiance you can't marry him at this time, because you broke your promise to him. Be prepared for whatever response you might get. Even if he still wants to marry you, take some time and really think about what has happened with this other man, because you shouldn't go into a marriage with your mind on someone else.

    He may not be bothered by your confession, but you clearly should take some time and think about your feelings for this man you dated, and his feelings for you. If there is any chance that you are unable to forget him and move on, you certainly don't want to agree to marry someone else. "my two cents worth".

  • KinCO Fort Collins, CO
    March 30, 2013 10:10 a.m.

    Whether or not this was a good promise to make (and I would say no--and I waited for my husband while he was on his mission, married him 2.5 months after he returned, and am still happily married nearly 40 years later--still, not a wise promise), I would say absolutely tell him right this moment, for all the reasons stated above. If he doesn't take it well, if he is angry that you dated, if he threatens to call off the marriage--well, then perhaps you should re-think this marriage. Far better to know that now, before the wedding, than a year from now. A good, strong relationship will survive your revelation. Trust me, there will be far more difficult trials in your life ahead--better to get a clue now how the two of you will weather them. Look at this as a great opportunity to see how you two deal with a challenge together.

  • djk blue springs, MO
    March 30, 2013 10:04 a.m.

    wonderful advice. young men and young women whom serve missions need to not have the great expectations of the 'one' not dating. this is unfair. your fiance will understand. if he doesn't by chance then he needs to remember what forgiveness is. good luck.

  • lledwards38 Canandaigua, NY
    March 30, 2013 9:21 a.m.

    I disagree with Ironmomo. The writer states that they made an agreement that she wouldn't date while he was gone, and then she lied about that fact that she had dated. There is no suggestion that he demanded that she make the promise, or that it was ill advised. She didn't express regret that she had made the promise.

    This is a shaky foundation with which to begin a marriage, especially if they are sealed in the temple. He will find out about her deceit sooner or later. He deserves to know before they make further promises to each other. If she can't keep her word on this promise, how could he expect that she will keep her marital covenants?

  • Ironmomo Ogden, Utah
    March 30, 2013 6:55 a.m.

    Tell him that you dated and that you enjoyed the social aspects of dating while he was gone and then tell him that it was not a well thought out agreement the two of you made to agree to you not dating during his mission. If he has a problem with it, tough, you may be looking at a very controlling future husband wanting to dictate your every move. I would seriously question anyone's rational who would limit someones freedom.