Relationship with in-laws impacts how long marriage lasts

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  • toosmartforyou Farmington, UT
    Feb. 15, 2013 12:45 a.m.

    Everybody has the magical answers to all the problems and issues, don't they?

    Why not just accept each person for whom they are and develop a life together with your spouse? There's no need to take anything personally but we choose to do that and then we are miserable.

    Thank heavens my family relationships are more mature than petty assertions, jealousies and hurt feelings when no harm was intended. I thnk my getting married later in life contributed to a healthier relationship to the extended family of my bride and she set a fine example in accepting and loving my family, too. We worked at it together and were honest with each other about others and we have been happy in such a relationship. Respect has been returned to us.

  • J-TX Allen, TX
    Feb. 13, 2013 1:45 p.m.

    Chris B - From your post I am starting to understand the chip on your shoulder. Thanks for sharing.

  • DistantThunder Vincentown, NJ
    Feb. 13, 2013 12:39 p.m.

    BYU TRack star- she probably felt major grief when her father died, then when your father left and then died. Could be that she felt enormous grief even depression, and blamed her feelings on you. Kind of like getting sick after eating ice cream - hard to ever feel that way about the ice cream again. Counseling would probably help her to become more self-aware about the why...and you too. Sad.

  • Utah Native Farmington, UT
    Feb. 13, 2013 11:23 a.m.

    I have a fabulous mother-in-law, but like the article suggests is common, I took her comments internally as criticism rather than as helpful advice. If she suggested it, I wanted to do the total opposite. I felt the need to assert my right to learn and grow as a wife and mother without her "butting in." She had years of experience, but I felt entitled to my own growth and development without her constant input. After 20+ years, we understand each other's boundaries, and I now seek out her advice. It's so much different to ask for and want advice than it is to feel like it's being thrust upon me. Don't overstep those bounds. I remember how I'd read it was healthy for a baby's immunity to be solely breast-fed for the first 6 months. I expressed this to my MIL, then was very angry to come home and find her feeding my son his first cereal at 4 months. I felt undermined. Discuss the boundaries, stick to them, and let experience and time bring you eventually closer together.

  • Commenter88 Salt Lake City, Utah
    Feb. 13, 2013 11:09 a.m.

    What a bunch of sexism and hypocrisy. I don't know if the reporter accurately reported the conclusion of the study (the bit about men needing to support in-laws without boundaries is pretty scant on quotations), but if it is, this is just a cooked project to present the same sort of logic spewed on TV shows like "the View" or "Oprah."

    That men must always do everything possible to support the relationship with the in-laws in order to show support for their wives, while women should have clear boundaries and in many cases subordinate the relationship to her personal feelings, simply gives the impression that women should perpetuate this double-standard in their marriages (and other double-standards entitlements by corollary). No wonder 50% of marriages end within 10 years and that 85% of those marriages end with women petitioning divorce.

    Successful marriages require efforts without "boundaries" by both spouses. Having a mother-in-law can be a tyrannical force in your life. Dealing with it is much more complicated than the ridiculous bromides offered by this so called researcher.

  • BYU Track Star Los Angeles, CA
    Feb. 13, 2013 11:01 a.m.

    When we moved back to my hometown in L.A. We were two miles away from my Folks. My kids treasure that grandparent time. My wife became close with my folks. We lost my Mom then a couple years later my Dad remarried and moved away. My wife was the daughter he never had. He died several years ago. She had lost her Dad when she was 17. I wonder if losing my Dad twice, first when he moved away and then when he actually died. After he passed was part of the causation of my divorce. She said my Dad filled a lot of roles that I didn't. Ouch. How unfair, he was retired and I had to go to work to provide for the family. That was my first inkling that my marriage was in trouble. Any insights fellow readers? I was in a no win situation.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    Feb. 13, 2013 11:00 a.m.

    I'm not marring her, my son is. But I gotta say some thing when I can see what's coming down the road or if I'm going to have to be involved in something I don't want to be. Personal responsibility is more than hygiene.

  • Chris B Salt Lake City, UT
    Feb. 13, 2013 10:16 a.m.

    I agree with this. MY ex-wife was an inactive Mormon, and her parents couldnt go one week without trying to convert me and bring her back.

    It wore on both of us.

  • Cat Centerville, UT
    Feb. 13, 2013 7:43 a.m.

    It's a bit hard to leave it behind when your future MIL tells your then fiance that he shouldn't marry you. Then tells you that every date you choose for the wedding won't work because they have this or that. She also citizes every choice you make in planning for your day. Then as life goes on she tells you that your child is a lier and trouble maker because your husband was a bad child too. It's just a bit hard to leave it behind.

    BTW the family joke is that we are living the show Everybody Loves Raymond. Unfortunatly for me, I'm married to Robert the oldest brother.