Parenting under two roofs: Focusing on the children after divorce

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  • very concerned Sandy, UT
    Oct. 25, 2012 7:26 p.m.

    Having *been there, done, that*, I can say divorce is a lose/lose proposition, with the children being affected by one - if not both - parents' selfishness. The hardest part is to forgive when the offences just keep on coming year after year, until the child is 18 and you don't have to work anymore with the person you used to love to do what you think is best for the child/ren. It's an ugly thing that often leaves an empty feeling in your gut for years, especially when you see your own children suffering the consequences of a choice they did not make.

    I think both parties often must take some of the blame, even if its 98% to 2% or just 50:50. There are times, as with significant abuse when I'd say, get out. Or if there is cheating on a spouse. I can see why a person would get out under those circumstances. Even then, it's heartrending, especially if you did not choose the situation.

    Please get all the help you can possibly get before you opt for divorce. The pain and consequences just keep on going like a slow train wreck.

  • spiderweb Clearfield, UT
    Oct. 25, 2012 5:23 p.m.

    Well, I guess Bifftacular judges me as a bad selfish parent when I did all I could except chain the wife to something.......People need to change the perception of parenting and be accepting when a judge deems that a dad is actually the better parent. From birth to now I have taken care of my daughter, brought her to school everyday, and tried my best to be everything in her life. The bond is there with me instead of her mother who took off..........So does Bifftacular class me in the completely selfish category? After giving up jobs, and self betterment to raise my daughter the very best that I can? People really need to judge less!

  • Rifleman Salt Lake City, Utah
    Oct. 25, 2012 6:21 a.m.

    Re: spring street SALT LAKE CITY, UT

    This isn't about the adults who are too immature to make their marriages work. This is about the children who suffer because of the immaturity of their parents.

    Children are best served when they live with both bio parents who have the maturity and love to nurture and teach their children by example. Sadly many children get far less than they deserve.

  • spring street SALT LAKE CITY, UT
    Oct. 24, 2012 9:25 p.m.

    Show me a comment like "show me a divorce....I'll show you selfishness." and I will show you two of satan's greatest weapons self righteousness and judgmental attitudes.

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    Oct. 24, 2012 12:35 p.m.

    One of the finest books on helping children through divorce is Judith Wallerstein's landmark 25-year long study on the children of divorce titled: "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." She followed over one-hundred children whose parents left each other - interviewing the kids over and over again to measure divorce's effect. Then she wove the threads together, masterfully identifying common experiences.

    As someone who has seen their parents roll through multiple marriages and divorces over the years, I found it uncannily accurate.

    If you or someone you know was a child of divorce, get them this book. If you are contemplating divorce and have children, read this book. If you are divorced and have children, get this book. If you care about your children, read this book.

    You can find it on eBay.

    Divorce leaves lasting marks. Knowing what they are and how they manifest themselves at different stages of life is the first step in healing and then breaking the chains divorce forges in the lives of children.

  • Rifleman Salt Lake City, Utah
    Oct. 24, 2012 7:57 a.m.

    Quality Time spent one or two days a week a part time parent spends with their children doesn't equal the Quality Time a full time parent spends with their children seven days a week.

    Parents can lie to themselves if it makes them feel better but the truth is that children do better when two loving bio parents are there for them every day.

  • Bifftacular Spanish Fork, Ut
    Oct. 23, 2012 7:22 p.m.

    Show me a divorce....I'll show you selfishness. One of Satan's greatest weapons.

  • Linda J navarre, FL
    Oct. 22, 2012 12:33 p.m.

    Good article about parents focusing on the children. I have worked with children of divorce for over 30 years. I was not surprised by the little boys non wish at the birthday party. Hundreds of kids have told me they are so confused when the divorce happens.

    These parents were smart to keep the fighting down and the doors of communication open. Children need and want to understand what is happening but they also want peace between the parents. If parents can find a program just for the children it helps. DivorceCare for Kids is one such program that helps kids because it helps children identify why they are hurting and understand how to cope with their feelings. Children need a safe place to talk. Plus there is have an online searchable database for parents where they can find a group close to them.

  • justjoe henderson, nv
    Oct. 21, 2012 9:53 p.m.

    What ever happened to "rooves"? Do they still say wharves or have they changed that to wharfs?