How to stay emotionally connected to your spouse after having children

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  • Gildas LOGAN, UT
    Feb. 23, 2014 4:30 p.m.

    I read through a hundred or so posts once, recently, on a debate over whether "the kids" or your spouse was most important in a marriage. The popular "wisdom" was that "the kids" were and no two ways about it. I felt that was a great shame.

    That was not a Church discussion, yet I find the same immediate response seems to prevail there too - and it shows. In one class at Church, on the subject of creating solid families, I ventured to say that we might profitably dismiss the attitude of "the kids are the most important thing in our marriage" (a view so entrenched that it typically meets with immediate "mmm-hmm's" and "Absolutelies"). They might have been surprised if they had realized I was quoting from Spencer W Kimball, but instead my comments got the cold shoulder. Ah well!! One day soon I hope that they realize that their children will be more blessed if Mom and Dad would love one another first. It would, I should think, quickly enliven a few dying relationships in our congregation and raise the happiness quotient a hundred percent.

  • Brave Sir Robin San Diego, CA
    Feb. 21, 2014 2:58 p.m.

    @Mainly Me

    There's so much wrong here on so many levels.

    When your wife met you, before she could learn to love your humor, wit, intelligence, or intellect, she needed a reason to start a conversation in the first place. It was probably because she liked the way you looked.

    It is not the "wisdom of the world" to admit that it's OK to be physically attracted to someone. To say that it is, is in direct contradiction to what has been said by prophets for over a hundred years.

    Oh, and that "physical covering" of hers that apparently you don't care one way or another about, is a gift from God. Like all gifts from God, there is wisdom in caring for it.

  • Mom of Six Northern Utah, UT
    Feb. 21, 2014 2:51 p.m.

    It is so sad to read the comments above. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 21 years. I believe that a good marriage takes both parties giving it 100%. Neither my self or my husband look like we did when we were first married, but I love my husband more now than ever. I feel that he is my perfect mate in every way. I believe the best way to keep a marriage going strong is through intimacy, and not just the physical type. When our kids were little, we would put them to bed and have our dates at home just talking about life, and spending precious time together. Now that our family is growing up, I love spending time with just the two of us. My mom, who also has a great marriage gave me the best piece of advice when she said that kids will come and go, but you will have your spouse forever. If you treat your spouse like your greatest possession, and the both of you treat each other the same way, your marriage will always be strong.

  • Mainly Me Werribee, 00
    Feb. 21, 2014 2:28 p.m.

    @Mr. Bean

    "How? Stay feminine, sexy, and in good physical shape."

    Sorry, but this is so wrong on so many levels. This is spouting nothing more than wisdom of the world. I didn't marry my wife for her to look "sexy" or be "in good physical shape."

    I married my wife because of who she is inside, not because of the physical covering of what she is.

  • airnaut Everett, 00
    Feb. 21, 2014 11:25 a.m.

    OK, so -- Men need to keep "dating" their wives,
    Got it.

    However-- it goes both ways.

    Where is the quip about Women needing to keep being kind, sweet, dolling up once in awhile, and biding their tongues?

    Quite frankly,
    If my wife treated me when we were dating like she does now...
    we never would've gotta past the 3rd date.

    29 married years later - and enduring 'til the end.

  • windsor City, Ut
    Feb. 21, 2014 10:02 a.m.

    Try this cure: AM instead of PM.

  • Mr. Bean Phoenix, AZ
    Feb. 20, 2014 11:38 p.m.

    "And while I think Mr. Bean was being too heavy handed in how he said it..."

    I'm a man of few words. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. But, I think I spoke the truth. And you're right, guys also must keep themselves in shape for their ladies.

  • Shane333 Cedar Hills, UT
    Feb. 20, 2014 3:35 p.m.

    I'll try to summarize the article: Keep dating and courting each other.

    This IS very important.

    One specific problem is when physical intimacy is pushed to the back burner and falls by the wayside. Make it a priority, on a fairly regular basis. When the physical intimacy declines the emotional attachment tends to dissipate with it.

    Men, tell your wife that you love her. Write her a note. Bring her flowers. Try something creative now and then to show her that you're still courting her. If she is feeling neglected emotionally it could accelerate the decline of the physical intimacy.

    And while I think Mr. Bean was being too heavy handed in how he said it, when either a man or a woman stops trying to take care of themselves, it manifests a lack of courtesy and care for the partner. Doesn't mean joining cross-fit or running marathons. It's just good courtesy to make a decent effort.

  • Mr. Bean Phoenix, AZ
    Feb. 20, 2014 12:21 p.m.

    How? Stay feminine, sexy, and in good physical shape.

    Sometimes females will let their feminine physical appearance go to pot after having children. Probably because they think sex is a thing of the past.