About being a wife: Marriage is straight up hard

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  • valiant Salt Lake, UT
    Sept. 12, 2013 11:43 a.m.

    I appreciated the title of this article because I feel the truth is clearly being addressed. I am not sure why this would be a negative when in reality this is why there are so many divorces because many feel it is too hard. If we could approach daily living with franc's principle."giving 100%" the divorce rate wouldn't exist. Unfortunately, too many go into marriage thinking like franc, which is idealistic not realiztic, though I am happy it is working for them or is someone in denial? Giving 100% to a relationship isn't possible unless the other conforms completely to your wishes. I am a runner and my husband is a fast walker and this morning I asked if he could slow down his walk so I could join him before I run. He was frustrated because he didn't want to change his pace and when I told him I am giving up part of my run to walk with him he consented reluctantly. He was willing yet did pout but I felt he was trying. There is nothing more rewarding then knowing all the effort and hard work truly has belssed my life.

  • MrsH Altamont, UT
    Sept. 11, 2013 12:00 p.m.

    I like the part about "showing up anyway".
    I have been married 35 years, and sometimes all I could do was show up.
    But I DID show up, and it gets easier and more fulfilling as the years go by.
    It is still work some days, for my husband too, I'll bet!...but it is worth it.

  • Utah Native Farmington, UT
    Sept. 11, 2013 10:19 a.m.

    The longer we've been married, the more grateful I become that my spouse put up with me in those years when I was still learning (and fighting against) what it means to become "one." Well into decade #3, I still have a lot to learn! Franc is right on, and I'm striving to live more of those principles. EJM, I'm sorry that you had to endure someone who wasn't worthy of your love and devotion (it sounds suspiciously like a cousin of mine with the initials MS who remarried last week). I think marriage is work, but for me it's the best, most rewarding, and most fulfilling work I've ever undertaken. I am more in love with my spouse now than I was when we married, and expect that love to grow in proportion to the investment we make in serving and building one another.

  • yarrlydarb Ogden, UT
    Sept. 11, 2013 9:22 a.m.

    From the perspective of a retired marriage and family therapist, frankly, franc has it right. In fact, franc, is more than right. Franc is absolutely and unequivocally right.

    "Battlefield," and such other labels applied to marriage and family are at best overstated; at worst they paint a pessimistic and unrealistic and destructive perspective, which rather quickly becomes very discouraging. Thirteen years? Try 25 or 50.

    When our job begins to feel like a battlefield, we flat-out quit! And we look for another one!

    That marriage and family life are at times difficult to manage and make productive and rewarding, there is no doubt. But "battlefield" implies there's a winner and there's a loser. If such a perspective is not changed to "challenging" or, better yet, a "work in progress" and truly seen as such, chances of making marriage successful and actually beautiful are greatly reduced.

  • EJM Herriman, UT
    Sept. 11, 2013 5:48 a.m.

    I was married for 32 days a few years ago to a woman who told me time and time again that marriage was hard, that it was difficult. In 32 days she was home before 9:30 at night, and where she was I still have no idea. In 32 days I spent one weekend with her. No matter what I did she had to be elsewhere. The kicker was being accused of being unfaithful when as it turned out it was her being unfaithful.

    Now I am married to an incredibly kind and sweet woman. We talk. We discuss. Both of us put each other first. It has never been work. It has never been about me, or about her. Marriage is about the other and when both are on that page it is a joy. I feel bad for the author that she thinks it is work.

  • Kjallbee Orem, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 8:29 p.m.

    Like Shari Dew says in her book's title..."If Life Were Easy It Wouldn't Be Hard." There is something right and good implied in those words. And as Jimmy Dugan said in "A League of Their Own," "It's supposed to be hard... The hard is what makes it great." What we see from the top of the mountain is glorious, but no one falls to get there.

  • franc Kirkland, WA
    Sept. 10, 2013 5:50 p.m.

    Wow ... sad. I couldn't disagree with her more ...
    my marriage has been incredibly easy - maybe it's the principles we live by:

    * giving 100% each (not the 50/50 business - that's only half)
    * saying "I'm sorry"
    * saying "let me do that for you"
    * saying "no big deal, it doesn't matter"
    * saying "I didn't know that bothered you, I'll try to change (not "oh yeah? what about what YOU do?)
    etc etc etc
    These things go for both of the partners, not just one. And yes, I know this sounds smug. But it works for us.

  • happylife OREM, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 5:27 p.m.

    Great article and sentiment! Some marriages are hard, very hard where every issue is made into a battlefield. Yet even in these cases, while you have no control over other's choices, you can still choose to do the right thing and find great peace and joy amidst the greatest storms. That peace and joy comes as you overcome your own weaknesses while striving to help and bless others. On the other hand, when a marriage is sweet where both partners are giving their all to serve the other and do the right thing, the sweetness, depth of love and spirituality is beyond anything that can be imagined. Whether sunshine or terrible storm, hang in there, forget about yourself as you choose the right and you will have peace and joy even amidst the most arduous journey.

  • sky2k1 Provo, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 4:30 p.m.

    Notice how the lady gave her opinion on marriage -- how she viewed things from her experiences -- and everyone that disagrees with her does so based on their experiences in life. I think that's why for some marriage is easy and for others hard, we all have different experiences, which form our opinions, and we have to live with people with similar or different opinion.

    This was nothing more than an opinion piece, and everyone else here is also giving opinions on the comments. Let's not argue with the author only using our own opinions.

  • infoman Cedar Hills, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 4:13 p.m.

    Marriage can be hard, but it is very rewarding. However, there is not really enough detail in this blog post to know what the author really has in mind.

  • Granny Barton Woods Cross, Utah
    Sept. 10, 2013 3:55 p.m.

    I don't think that it is marriage that is difficult, but there are just plain difficult times that we all have to go through in life in general, whether you are married or not. I have been so grateful to have a good supportive husband to go through these difficult times with me. I have a great appreciation for those who do not have this support and are able to struggle along anyway. The basic solution to making marriage great is the spouses who are totally unselfish and willing to give and take for the betterment of the family..

  • jeanie orem, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 2:39 p.m.

    I agree with the author. A good marriage isn't fallen into, it is worked at. Mostly the work is joyful and sweet, but there can be sometimes for both spouses when it is just work. This is why marriage is a commitment, not just an arrangement. Commitment keeps us "showing up" when we may not see eye to eye. Gender and personality differences can clash. I agree that God must have a sense of humor commanding two distinct perspectives to become one, yet I must say I am a better, more balanced and happier woman having been married to a wonderful man for 25 years.

  • Outsider Looking In BOISE, ID
    Sept. 10, 2013 2:16 p.m.

    I clicked on the article, because I was genuinely intrigued by the title. I agree with Sam Cleach on this one: after twelve years, my marriage is the best thing in my life (which the author may actually agree with), but also one of the easiest. I can't remember the last time we had to dig in, or fight for our position on something. Living a life with someone who has agreed to forge a joint identity with you, and pursue your goals together just makes everything easier. If it were as hard as she makes it out to sound, I'm not sure I'd stick with it--even if the payoff was tremendous. Not all marriages are difficult. I also suspect that part of the reason for the difference is that we've never had children. And that says quite a lot. People need to ask whether their marriage presents the challenge, or raising children together does.

  • andyjaggy American Fork, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 2:05 p.m.

    Being single is hard. Being married is much easier. I suppose I should credit my patient and selfless wife for that.

    Sept. 10, 2013 1:57 p.m.

    Paddycakes, thank you for the laugh of the day! "It's more difficult to be a man than to be a mother." You are too funny.

  • Sam Cleach SAINT GEORGE, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 1:36 p.m.

    I disagree,life is hard,a good marriage makes it easier.

  • Oatmeal Woods Cross, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 1:16 p.m.

    Not the best article about marriage. If you think marriage is hard, try being single searching for a mate. Or a single parent. I have around much longer than the author and would never describe marriage as a "battle" or "hard." There are real battles and real hardships in life. Marriage enters that category only if one or both of the partners is grossly immature or selfish.

  • Paddycakes500 Draper, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 12:36 p.m.

    It seems strange the a wonderful state like Utah has to get on the politically correct bandwagon. This article is about back-door man bashing. In honesty, it is more difficult for be a man, married man, father, et al than it is to be a mother. The onus is upon the man to make government and the family unit to work and function.

  • Experienced Salt Lake, UT
    Sept. 10, 2013 10:54 a.m.

    I appreciate the difficulties in marriage. The difficulty goes both ways between women and men. Women and men are inherently different, making it difficult for both. Both feel, think and approach things very differently. Expectations for both are very differently. Neither one is wrong, its just a different paradigm. The key is to discuss dreams, expectations and to spend more time listening and validating each others perspectives. I think God has a sense of humor creating us so differently, but it is in learning how to work with the difference successfully is what will enable to progress in the hereafter. Marriage at best is difficult for both male and female.

  • bw00ds Tucson, AZ
    Sept. 10, 2013 10:21 a.m.

    Keep going, Ellen. Sounds like you are doing OK to me. 13 years is not long enough to become wise and seasoned. It's long enough to become more wise and seasoned than newlyweds, but you still have a journey ahead of you.