It's not just about the couple; infidelity can cause lasting damage to children

Return To Article
Add a comment
  • JoanKlothZanard Southbury, CT
    June 2, 2011 4:20 p.m.

    Actually, I think that is a bunch of bunk. I have a relative who tried and tried to make things work with his ex-wife, including suggesting counseling, paying all sorts of money to help her feel good about herself, i.e. loose weight with expensive equipment, personal training and more. But she was cold as ice and dead as a fish. He just wanted to hug her and hold her and get it in return, and sex would have been nice, as this is only natural for a man. When this no longer was happening and after years of crap from her, he did cheat on her, and I totally agree with his reasonings. And it had NOTHING to do with not putting the needs of his kids first. In fact, he spent whatever time he could with them, when he was not making money to support his ex's expensive habits and his children's excessively expensive private school and the million dollar home she had to have. So bunk on that research!!!!


  • Rifleman Salt Lake City, Utah
    June 2, 2011 8:55 a.m.

    Re: dalep2u | 12:59 p.m. June 1, 2011

    Blaming religious organizations for infidelity is a cop out for people trying to avoid personal responsibility for their actions. Religious organizations teach moral cleanliness and people with integrity make personal choices that bring them happiness.

  • washcomom Beaverton, OR
    June 1, 2011 8:57 p.m.

    Trust is out the window when it comes to a parent/child relationship after promises or vows were broken. It's a very simple thing, yet so hard for those who have that decision before them to understand.

  • Johnny Triumph American Fork, UT
    June 1, 2011 3:32 p.m.

    How is this news? Of course it causes trauma, probably more on the children than on the spouse.

  • dalep2u Herriman, UT
    June 1, 2011 12:59 p.m. hit it on the head. Infidelity comes in different packages.

    Sometimes Religion is the cause. Ever wonder why Utah is one of the leaders in the USA for the amount of poronogrophy per person used? Ever wonder why LDS divorce rates are equil to the rest of the nation while the perdominace of the poplulation are LDS?

    Sometimes the very stifling of religions various rules and expectations are the underlying cause of both physical and emotional infidelity.

    Something to think about....

  • Betcha Waltham, MA
    June 1, 2011 12:16 p.m.

    Infidelity now days, comes in alot of different packages,,, pronography, for one...Some one would ague , "Well that doesn't hurt any one" There is one thing I know for sure,,, You CANNOT LEGISLATE INTEGRITY.. you cannot pass a law and make people follow it, cheating is cheating,,, and people get hurt. when a cheater justifies his or her cheating and blames his or her cheating on some one else, more people suffer, my husband cheated, it destroyed our marriage, and he justified it to friends and our children, to make himself not look so bad,, our son grew up and did the same thing to his wife, thinking , my dad was justified, so am I... NO YOUR NOT!!!!! cheating has to do with integrity and charachter, I am always surprised by how stupid some women are, when they are dating a Married man, and he leaves his family to be with her, and then they are so surprised when he cheats on her!!! HELLO!!! Teach your children integrity and character . Teach them that there are consequences, teach them that there are just things you DON"T DO!!!

  • BobP Port Alice, B.C.
    June 1, 2011 10:39 a.m.

    Quite a few years ago a good friend of mine got and died from Lou Gehrig's disease. His wife stuck by to the bitter end. A year or so later she remarried, to a man who physically and emotionally abused her.

    I and several other friends of hers and her first husband visited the abuser. We had a talk with him. He moved out, the next day, started and paid for his own divorce, and made monthly installements on what he had taken from her.

    Nobody has to take that kind of abuse.

    That said, there is NO excuse for adultery. It is the ultimate betrayal.

  • tmaxr Santa Rosa, Ca
    June 1, 2011 7:28 a.m.

    You have a good understanding of the psychology of infidelity. I've told myself similar things when I was unhappy in a relationship and tempted.

    But I wonder how much damage is done to kids by the stigma of divorce and society shaming them & telling them that they are broken. I don't believe that all marriages can be saved, or should be.

    My sister married an abusive man who dealt drugs. He'd brag about how he'd never hit a woman. He didn't have to, because he'd studied martial arts in Korea and Japan and would put her in pain holds until she signed her paycheck over to him. He drained her bank account and put her $30,000 in the red, he moved in his mistress downstairs and bragged about running over old men on bicycles when he was in the Army, which would make him a war criminal or serial killer, if true. I believed him.

    He threatened that if my sister divorced him, he'd kidnap his own daughter and "turn her out" to bikers. Think that marriage could be saved?

  • Born that Way Layton, UT
    June 1, 2011 6:44 a.m.

    This may seem unnecessary to some, but sadly the act of adultery continues with regularity.

    The cheater convinces himself, he's living a lie. His marriage is a sham. She convinces herself that he never loved her--or is emotionally unavailable. They never talk. Love is hopelessly dead. Things aren't what they were.

    Nevermind that they could make it better if they put some effort into it.

    The cheater convinces himself that he lacks a meaningful place in his family, that his children don't really need him, or that they ignore and break him anyhow. She sulks and complains but no one listens--and then along comes some young, exciting, someone--it could be a man, it could be a woman--any obsession will do--and that one being understands him or her.

    Really it's better this way. She convinces herself she's not like all the other scoundrels who did the same things--no her love is different. He tells himself he can have it all--or that once he's really happy he can help his kids better... he's powerless before the powers of love.

    Who is he, to repress himself?

    All Lies...

  • nautilus Home town, UT
    June 1, 2011 4:11 a.m.

    Thank you--Sparky908 | 12:32 p.m. May 31, 2011
    Yakima, WA
    "Focus on yourself and what you need to do. There's no way your going to know all that has been done by the leadership, nor would it really help. Focus on the kids and what can best be done to help them. The only way your going to heal is by focusing on what you need to do to move forward."

    I did just that. Focused on bettering myself through education, and it blessed each of my children as they grew to maturity. They all, but one finished degrees and three got advanced degrees. Each one productive and stayed faithful and are still.

    Best not to look back to keep focused on the goal, and stay positive, the road less traveled. And it has made all the difference ultimately.

  • three11stu Saratoga Springs, UT
    May 31, 2011 5:00 p.m.

    Tomorrows headline:
    Child abuse is damaging to children.

  • Montana Mormon Miles City, MT
    May 31, 2011 1:52 p.m.

    Joseph Smith made the following wise statement: "The devil flatters us that we are very righteous when we are feeding on the faulths of others." I don't remember the page number off the top of my head, but you can find this statement in Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, compiled by Joseph Fielding Smith.

  • BobP Port Alice, B.C.
    May 31, 2011 1:41 p.m.

    There is absolutely no excuse for adultery, none!

    If it has occured, in the LDS context then the proper church court procedures need to be applied. In 1943 a member of the twelve was excommunicated for adultery.

  • Sparky908 Yakima, WA
    May 31, 2011 12:32 p.m.

    Focus on yourself and what you need to do. There's no way your going to know all that has been done by the leadership, nor would it really help. Focus on the kids and what can best be done to help them. The only way your going to heal is by focusing on what you need to do to move forward.

  • nautilus Home town, UT
    May 31, 2011 11:48 a.m.

    When a spouse has been unfaithful, it is an embarrassment to them and their children, especially if they are old enough to know and see for themselves what was going on.

    It was a blatant outrage when that happened in my marriage(the infidelity). However, I let the children see for themselves. I didn't have to say anything. The did not hear criticism from me.

    Over the years their father knew he had made a big mistake and has had to live with it and the choice he made long ago.

    But, life went on for the better for us.
    No one is fooled except those who engage it the infidelity and "wickedness never was happiness." Underscore that one!

  • InsideView Draper, UT
    May 31, 2011 11:39 a.m.

    juni4ling - I love your post. Amen, Amen and Amen...

  • John C. C. Payson, UT
    May 31, 2011 11:31 a.m.

    The 1990 Furstenberg study showed that by time they turn 18 years of age, 50% to 60% of American children will be victims of divorce.

    Remember the sexual revolutionaries in the 1970's who claimed that private conduct between consenting adults is a victimless crime? Now we live with (or are) their victims. Are we surprised to see this tacit acceptance of private infidelity reflected in the immoral, corrupt behavior of our political, corporate, and cultural leaders? Until we return to traditional moral standards our society is committing virtual suicide.

  • Mary E Petty Sandy, UT
    May 31, 2011 10:34 a.m.

    What is true for the Amish community who several years applied the Good News of the Gospel in their horrible hour of loss is true for children who have experienced parental infidelity. Thank Heaven for the atonement, agency, repentance, and forgiveness. Each child affected by the tragedy of infidelity has access to all of these God-given gifts to use, partake of, and find comfort and deliverance in their earthly tutorial so in their adulthood they stand whole, not as victims but as teachers of the better way.

  • tmaxr Santa Rosa, Ca
    May 31, 2011 10:24 a.m.

    Is it infidelity that harms kids, or parents treating each other like property? And since when are people allowed to tell each other what to feel? "Emotional infidelity"? Really?

    Are certain feelings now against the law? Punishing people for having emotions is a tactic of totalitarian regimes. They want to turn us into good little sheep who "baah!" on command.

    It seems Nogales didn't bother to ask about the damage done to children by parents trapped by religious law in a loveless, abusive marriage. How scientific.

    I don't think atheists have all the answers, but judging by their lower divorce, spousal abuse and incarceration rates, they seem to have more right answers than deists. Go ahead and block this comment, because there is no defense for such policies.

  • mecr Bountiful, UT
    May 31, 2011 10:04 a.m.

    They are hurt more than words can imagine. And the abandoned spouse is the one who has to pick up the pieces and make the best of it for the children.

  • juni4ling Somewhere in Colorado, CO
    May 31, 2011 9:34 a.m.

    Liahona, I am outright surprised that your Bishop does not get with you before Sacrament meeting and review with you who is, or isn't, allowed to continue taking the sacrament...

    In my church, we have a Pharisee meeting atop our Rameumptom and we talk about the mistakes *other* people may have made that week, and we take our "concerns" to the Bishop, and we tell him how to do his job...

    It works out pretty good for us who are better than everyone else... You know, since we are *more* worthy than everyone else...

    I suggest doing that, it works out for us holier-than-thou types in *my* Ward...

  • The Final Word Alpine, UT
    May 31, 2011 9:22 a.m.

    re: liahona?

    Where to begin.

    Newsflash. Uh, when someone commits adultery it does not "go on the record" of the Bishop or Stake President. I find it difficult to believe if the Bishop and Stake Pres were in fact told the truth that this person is taking the sacrament right after committing adultery.

    Bishop/Stake Pres decisions can't control when they are lied to.

    I guess all this begs the question, what are you still doing hanging around if your husband committed adultery and you feel he has not done what it takes to be properly forgiven?

    It is quite common for spouses to always think that punishment is never severe enough when infidelity has been committed. Spouses are naturally hurt and have a hard forgiving and consequently want the offending spouse punished severely to "pay" for their mistakes.

    Eventually spouses figure out that they don't control others behavior and that anger and resentment will eat them from the inside out and after examination will often realize that they have not forgiven and by the sound of your comments it sounds like you have not forgiven him.

    Sometimes spouses cheat for no apparent reason. Sometimes theres a reason.

  • liahona Westbank, BC
    May 31, 2011 8:29 a.m.

    What makes it even worse is when the offending spouse is not "dealt with" on a church level and the spouse is allowed to continue taking the sacrament, etc. That tells the children that it's okay to commit adultery - "if my parent can do it and not have consequences then so can I". There are some bishops and Stake Pres. who brush this type of behavior under the carpet because they don't want another statistic on the record. It's no wonder so many women lack the faith and trust in priesthood leadership. I speak from experience.

  • Rocket Science Brigham City, UT
    May 31, 2011 8:23 a.m.

    How many problems, how much heartache, how much poverty, how much poor performance in school, how much juvenile delinquency could be avoided, how much etc, etc, etc could be avoided by strict chastity before marriage and absolute fidelity in marriage? Many of the worlds problems could be alleviated if each individual would so commit and so live.

  • Aggielove Junction city, Oregon
    May 31, 2011 8:18 a.m.

    Shocking. I never knew.

  • My2CentsExactly Kaysville, Utah
    May 31, 2011 8:17 a.m.

    When will we finally figure out that when we cheat it doesn't just hurt ourselves, but everyone around us. Yes, including the neighbors and all of society.

  • liberate Sandy, UT
    May 31, 2011 2:44 a.m.

    Yes, and the sky is blue too.