Actually, I think that is a bunch of bunk. I have a relative who tried and
tried to make things work with his ex-wife, including suggesting counseling,
paying all sorts of money to help her feel good about herself, i.e. loose weight
with expensive equipment, personal training and more. But she was cold as ice
and dead as a fish. He just wanted to hug her and hold her and get it in
return, and sex would have been nice, as this is only natural for a man. When
this no longer was happening and after years of crap from her, he did cheat on
her, and I totally agree with his reasonings. And it had NOTHING to do with not
putting the needs of his kids first. In fact, he spent whatever time he could
with them, when he was not making money to support his ex's expensive habits and
his children's excessively expensive private school and the million dollar home
she had to have. So bunk on that research!!!!Joani
Re: dalep2u | 12:59 p.m. June 1, 2011 Blaming religious
organizations for infidelity is a cop out for people trying to avoid personal
responsibility for their actions. Religious organizations teach moral
cleanliness and people with integrity make personal choices that bring them
Trust is out the window when it comes to a parent/child relationship after
promises or vows were broken. It's a very simple thing, yet so hard for those
who have that decision before them to understand.
How is this news? Of course it causes trauma, probably more on the children
than on the spouse.
Betcha....you hit it on the head. Infidelity comes in different packages.Sometimes Religion is the cause. Ever wonder why Utah is one of the
leaders in the USA for the amount of poronogrophy per person used? Ever wonder
why LDS divorce rates are equil to the rest of the nation while the perdominace
of the poplulation are LDS?Sometimes the very stifling of religions
various rules and expectations are the underlying cause of both physical and
emotional infidelity.Something to think about....
Infidelity now days, comes in alot of different packages,,, pronography, for
one...Some one would ague , "Well that doesn't hurt any one" There is
one thing I know for sure,,, You CANNOT LEGISLATE INTEGRITY.. you cannot pass a
law and make people follow it, cheating is cheating,,, and people get hurt.
when a cheater justifies his or her cheating and blames his or her cheating on
some one else, more people suffer, my husband cheated, it destroyed our
marriage, and he justified it to friends and our children, to make himself not
look so bad,, our son grew up and did the same thing to his wife, thinking , my
dad was justified, so am I... NO YOUR NOT!!!!! cheating has to do with integrity
and charachter, I am always surprised by how stupid some women are, when they
are dating a Married man, and he leaves his family to be with her, and then
they are so surprised when he cheats on her!!! HELLO!!! Teach your children
integrity and character . Teach them that there are consequences, teach them
that there are just things you DON"T DO!!!
Quite a few years ago a good friend of mine got and died from Lou Gehrig's
disease. His wife stuck by to the bitter end. A year or so later she
remarried, to a man who physically and emotionally abused her.I and
several other friends of hers and her first husband visited the abuser. We had
a talk with him. He moved out, the next day, started and paid for his own
divorce, and made monthly installements on what he had taken from her.Nobody has to take that kind of abuse.That said, there is NO
excuse for adultery. It is the ultimate betrayal.
You have a good understanding of the psychology of infidelity. I've told myself
similar things when I was unhappy in a relationship and tempted. But
I wonder how much damage is done to kids by the stigma of divorce and society
shaming them & telling them that they are broken. I don't believe that all
marriages can be saved, or should be. My sister married an abusive
man who dealt drugs. He'd brag about how he'd never hit a woman. He didn't have
to, because he'd studied martial arts in Korea and Japan and would put her in
pain holds until she signed her paycheck over to him. He drained her bank
account and put her $30,000 in the red, he moved in his mistress downstairs and
bragged about running over old men on bicycles when he was in the Army, which
would make him a war criminal or serial killer, if true. I believed him. He threatened that if my sister divorced him, he'd kidnap his own
daughter and "turn her out" to bikers. Think that marriage could be
This may seem unnecessary to some, but sadly the act of adultery continues with
regularity. The cheater convinces himself, he's living a lie. His
marriage is a sham. She convinces herself that he never loved her--or is
emotionally unavailable. They never talk. Love is hopelessly dead. Things aren't
what they were. Nevermind that they could make it better if they put
some effort into it. The cheater convinces himself that he lacks a
meaningful place in his family, that his children don't really need him, or that
they ignore and break him anyhow. She sulks and complains but no one
listens--and then along comes some young, exciting, someone--it could be a man,
it could be a woman--any obsession will do--and that one being understands him
or her. Really it's better this way. She convinces herself she's not
like all the other scoundrels who did the same things--no her love is different.
He tells himself he can have it all--or that once he's really happy he can help
his kids better... he's powerless before the powers of love. Who is
he, to repress himself?All Lies...
Thank you--Sparky908 | 12:32 p.m. May 31, 2011Yakima, WA"Focus
on yourself and what you need to do. There's no way your going to know all that
has been done by the leadership, nor would it really help. Focus on the kids and
what can best be done to help them. The only way your going to heal is by
focusing on what you need to do to move forward." I did just
that. Focused on bettering myself through education, and it blessed each of my
children as they grew to maturity. They all, but one finished degrees and
three got advanced degrees. Each one productive and stayed faithful and are
still. Best not to look back to keep focused on the goal, and stay
positive, the road less traveled. And it has made all the difference
Tomorrows headline:Child abuse is damaging to children.
Joseph Smith made the following wise statement: "The devil flatters us that
we are very righteous when we are feeding on the faulths of others." I
don't remember the page number off the top of my head, but you can find this
statement in Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, compiled by Joseph Fielding
There is absolutely no excuse for adultery, none!If it has occured,
in the LDS context then the proper church court procedures need to be applied.
In 1943 a member of the twelve was excommunicated for adultery.
Focus on yourself and what you need to do. There's no way your going to know all
that has been done by the leadership, nor would it really help. Focus on the
kids and what can best be done to help them. The only way your going to heal is
by focusing on what you need to do to move forward.
When a spouse has been unfaithful, it is an embarrassment to them and their
children, especially if they are old enough to know and see for themselves what
was going on. It was a blatant outrage when that happened in my
marriage(the infidelity). However, I let the children see for themselves. I
didn't have to say anything. The did not hear criticism from me. Over the years their father knew he had made a big mistake and has had to live
with it and the choice he made long ago. But, life went on for the
better for us. No one is fooled except those who engage it the infidelity
and "wickedness never was happiness." Underscore that one!
juni4ling - I love your post. Amen, Amen and Amen...
The 1990 Furstenberg study showed that by time they turn 18 years of age, 50% to
60% of American children will be victims of divorce.Remember the
sexual revolutionaries in the 1970's who claimed that private conduct between
consenting adults is a victimless crime? Now we live with (or are) their
victims. Are we surprised to see this tacit acceptance of private infidelity
reflected in the immoral, corrupt behavior of our political, corporate, and
cultural leaders? Until we return to traditional moral standards our society is
committing virtual suicide.
What is true for the Amish community who several years applied the Good News of
the Gospel in their horrible hour of loss is true for children who have
experienced parental infidelity. Thank Heaven for the atonement, agency,
repentance, and forgiveness. Each child affected by the tragedy of infidelity
has access to all of these God-given gifts to use, partake of, and find comfort
and deliverance in their earthly tutorial so in their adulthood they stand
whole, not as victims but as teachers of the better way.
Is it infidelity that harms kids, or parents treating each other like property?
And since when are people allowed to tell each other what to feel?
"Emotional infidelity"? Really? Are certain feelings now
against the law? Punishing people for having emotions is a tactic of
totalitarian regimes. They want to turn us into good little sheep who
"baah!" on command. It seems Nogales didn't bother to ask
about the damage done to children by parents trapped by religious law in a
loveless, abusive marriage. How scientific. I don't think atheists
have all the answers, but judging by their lower divorce, spousal abuse and
incarceration rates, they seem to have more right answers than deists. Go ahead
and block this comment, because there is no defense for such policies.
They are hurt more than words can imagine. And the abandoned spouse is the one
who has to pick up the pieces and make the best of it for the children.
Liahona, I am outright surprised that your Bishop does not get with you before
Sacrament meeting and review with you who is, or isn't, allowed to continue
taking the sacrament...In my church, we have a Pharisee meeting atop
our Rameumptom and we talk about the mistakes *other* people may have made that
week, and we take our "concerns" to the Bishop, and we tell him how to
do his job...It works out pretty good for us who are better than
everyone else... You know, since we are *more* worthy than everyone else...I suggest doing that, it works out for us holier-than-thou types in *my*
re: liahona?Where to begin.Newsflash. Uh, when someone
commits adultery it does not "go on the record" of the Bishop or Stake
President. I find it difficult to believe if the Bishop and Stake Pres were in
fact told the truth that this person is taking the sacrament right after
committing adultery.Bishop/Stake Pres decisions can't control when
they are lied to.I guess all this begs the question, what are you
still doing hanging around if your husband committed adultery and you feel he
has not done what it takes to be properly forgiven?It is quite
common for spouses to always think that punishment is never severe enough when
infidelity has been committed. Spouses are naturally hurt and have a hard
forgiving and consequently want the offending spouse punished severely to
"pay" for their mistakes.Eventually spouses figure out
that they don't control others behavior and that anger and resentment will eat
them from the inside out and after examination will often realize that they have
not forgiven and by the sound of your comments it sounds like you have not
forgiven him.Sometimes spouses cheat for no apparent reason.
Sometimes theres a reason.
What makes it even worse is when the offending spouse is not "dealt
with" on a church level and the spouse is allowed to continue taking the
sacrament, etc. That tells the children that it's okay to commit adultery -
"if my parent can do it and not have consequences then so can I".
There are some bishops and Stake Pres. who brush this type of behavior under the
carpet because they don't want another statistic on the record. It's no wonder
so many women lack the faith and trust in priesthood leadership. I speak from
How many problems, how much heartache, how much poverty, how much poor
performance in school, how much juvenile delinquency could be avoided, how much
etc, etc, etc could be avoided by strict chastity before marriage and absolute
fidelity in marriage? Many of the worlds problems could be alleviated if each
individual would so commit and so live.
Shocking. I never knew.
When will we finally figure out that when we cheat it doesn't just hurt
ourselves, but everyone around us. Yes, including the neighbors and all of
Yes, and the sky is blue too.