I was raped when I was 16. Does that mean I have less of a chance at a happy
marriage because I had premarital sex? According to most of the theories I have
read on here, it does. Have any of you read Tess of the d'Urbervilles? That book
is an excellent example of showing the double standard society has for
premarital sex between men and women. It's not always about religion and staying
"pure". Just sayin'.
for those who think that it's OK to have sex for whatever reason before marriage
just remember that you are having sex not just with the person you're with but
also with every person that he or she has been with. This is why abstinance is
so important and there is less risk of getting an STD
'We should eliminate everything from the medial (and web) that is designed to
arouse.' - The Rock | 3:07 p.m. Feb. 10, 2011 This made me
laugh. So, we should get rid of the Hooters in Midvale?
Or how about imagination?
I guess my grandparents' 60 year marriage was a sham... Mom's b-day is six
months are my grandparents' anniversary. My sister and I still shutter at that
4th point: "Study Casts Doubt on Abstinence-Only Programs,
(Washington Post 4/14/07): A long-awaited national study has concluded that
abstinence-only sex education, a cornerstone of the Bush administration's social
agenda, does not keep teenagers from having sex. Neither does it increase or
decrease the likelihood that if they do have sex, they will use a
condom." My example to support that abstinence does not
work? Well, someone who was raised in a 'abstinence only' home who
STILL got pregnant outside of marriage, of course! Bristol Palin.
1) I believe the 'Family Psychology' already has a pre-concived bias that
abstinence before marriage is 'good.' Why? Why else would they add
the 'family?' Psychology does not need involved a family unit. My
example? My 2nd point. When did believers of faith, rely on
psychologists? My example? **'Psychologists nix gay-to-straight
therapy' - AP - 08/05/09Line:'The American Psychological Association
declared (sic) that no solid evidence exists that such change is likely, says
the report, and some research suggests that efforts to produce change could be
harmful, inducing depression and suicidal tendencies.' Every time I
post this someone claims psychologist's aren't 'real or valid.'
so first of all... sex is fun. it really is. it is one of the most fun things
to do, period. most people would agree.why would God have made it
so pleasurable if He didn't want you to do it? I think most of the
posters here are confusing sex with love. friends with benefits has its..
benefitsgranted, with love comes sex. but the reverse isn't
necessarily true.can't it just be fun, no strings, if both people
want that? is that really a "sin" if both people agree?thats the part I don't get. why friends with benefits is a sin.
Society pays a very high price for sex outside of marriage.It has
been shown that if you do three things:1. Graduate from high school2. Don't get married before you are 20 years old.3. Don't make a baby
before you get married.There is an 80% probability that you will
never live in poverty. Miss any one of them and you have an 80% chance of
living in poverty.Add one more item to the mix; if you can manage to
stay out of jail, the odds of never living in poverty increases to 95%.A major reason people drop out of high school is, they get pregnant or become
a father.Statistics show that a very high percentage of people in jail
came from fatherless homes (I have heard figures as high as 95% but 85% to 90%
is more common).What causes fatherless homes? People having sex
outside of wedlock, getting married before they are ready, and financial
problems (caused by poverty).Society has a right to defend itself
against these problems. We should eliminate everything from the medial (and
web) that is designed to arouse. Do it for the children.
Having been happily married for 20 years, I want to say that we didn't have sex
before we were married. Our sex obsessed culture is completely skewing what is
important in relationships. Sex is important. But it is only one of many parts
that makes a successful marriage. But it seems to be the tabloid/pop-culture
value that people get obsessed with. My advice to people who only
are looking for the right sex chemistry: Grow up or start finding a good divorce
lawyer the first year of your marriage.
Sex is a very personal and very subjective topic. It can be very confusing as
there are no clear cut rules to follow....Biblical prohibitions aside. I agree
that bonding and intimacy are about far more than just sexual relations. True
intimacy involves the emotional need and desire to share with a life partner and
to be a part of the total experience of sharing each others lives. Bonding is
intimacy and that involves letting another person into our lives completely and
allowing love, tenderness, warmth, compassion, acceptance and a feeling of
closeness to enter into our hearts and lives. Knowing whether or not premarital
sex should be included in the mix is not always a simple question to answer. A
person must look back into their past and ask if premarital sex has helped or
hindered their past relationships and then make the decision that is right for
you. It may or may not hinder. It is an individual decision. Many people
develope a committed intimacy bonding before marriage by delaying sex until that
is established yet still have premarital sex when the time feels right...perhaps
wholely or partly so they will have more certainty before marriage_takes_place.
Jacob 2:2828For I, the Lord God, delight in the achastity of women. And
bwhoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.
@nyca411Wow...I like how you twist my words into something NOT meant
by me and assume. I'm not talking about casual sexual encounters or affairs. I
was talking about people who are seriously contemplating a committed
relationship to each other for a future togther...not casual sex. Uncommited
sexual relationships exists though and I could care less what people do in their
bedrooms or motel rooms or wherever. That is their business! And while a
healthy, strong relationship can lead to great sex....that isn't always the
case. What...you think all the counciling and sex therepists are just treating
people in uncommitted relationships who had premarital sex and NOT people who
waited for marriage? There are plenty of people who have an otherwise great
relationship with their partner, but the intimacy in the sexual part is lacking.
Learning to be unselfish, patient and faithful to your spouse has a more
profound effect on sexual satisfaction than a knowledge of superior technique.
When I married, I had absolutely no experience with another person
sexually. However, because of our observance of the law of chastity, my wife
and I had what we needed to succeed. My wife and I learned technique together.
Our sexual experience is not a performance, but a profound expression of our
love and dedication to building up a family. It is incredibly satisfying to
both of us.Technique will never be enough without patience, kindness
and selflessness. Technique can be easily and quickly learned or fixed, but the
virtues encompassed in the law of chastity require self-discipline over time for
their full expression in the sexual act to be manifest.
People on both sides of this argument will never agree. But the same old problem
exists with pre-marital sex: often there is a lack of commitment because at
least one partner is just having fun while often the other wants more than the
other partner is willing to give. Women, especially young women, often have
emotional attachments with the man they are sleeping with that aren't matched by
their partner. If you are the type of person who really wants a home, family and
a traditional lifestyle, you will find that after the physical part of a
relationship is satisfied, you will want everything else, which likely is not
there if sex is how the reationship began in the first place. Chemistry is part
of love, but just part.
@ CHS 85,Your question is irrelevant. Both a "yes" or
"no" answer to your question would still leave us with the results of
this study which have been accepted by academic reviewers as a methodologically
sound contribution to the knowledge domain of Family Psychology.
Wickedness never was happiness. God's ways are not man's ways. Follow His
counsel and be blessed. Follow worldly trends and be cursed. Plain and simple.
An honest, communicating, loving couple will have a healthy, satisfying love
life because they want to together. Pre-marital experimentation is a lie and a
cop-out for those who lack self-control and listen to the wrong voices. We reap
what we sow!
@JoggleRE: Knowing that you like sex with a person is a sure sign that the
relationship is more likely to last.>>Uh, have you heard of
this place called Hollywood? Its filled with rich, thin, beautiful people who
like sex! Yet, look at the divorce rate. Look at how many of the married movie
stars/TV stars have affairs. So clearly, knowing that you like sex with a person
is NOT a sure sign that the relationship is more likely to last. The best sex
is between a married man and woman who are committed to building their
relationship on EVERY level. A healthy, strong relationship leads to the great
sex.@charlie91342RE: Adultery means a married person cheating
on his/her spouse. so it doesn't have anything to do with pre-marital sex. >>Actually, adultery means that the man and woman having sex are
not married to each other, but at least one of the persons in the relationship
is married to someone else. Thus, pre-marital sex, as the two partners having
sex are not married to each other.
Isolated and hearsay anecdotal stories and "I firmly believe"
statements don't make something true. Trust the research. Every recent study of
pre-marital sex and co-habitating say the same thing: they are unhealthy and
produce short-lived relationships compared to faithful marriages. It matters not
whether you are religious or not, truth is truth. That, coupled
with the sadness and tragedy that can occur with kids having sex before
marriage, is reason enough to abstain.
If people waited until they were married before they were sexually intimate,
there would be a lot fewer cases of AIDS and other STDs around. That sounds
like a great idea to me.
@Hawkeye79Do you honestly think that BYU would have submitted their
results for publication had the results been the opposite?
So which is it? LDS couples rush to get married so they can have sex... or
...sex is taboo to them and they never develop healthy (good!) sexual relations
even after marriage?I did have one roommate who said the only thing
her mom ever taught her about sex was that "it hurts and you aren't going
to like it but you have to do it anyway." They rest of us eagerly looked
forward to it. Unless someone is taught things like the one roommate was,
people are usually smart enough to realize that sex is good and something to be
To those who are skeptical of the study simply because it originated at BYU:The reviewers at the Journal of Family Psychology don't appear to share
your skepticism, as they accepted it for publication.
re - RedShirt | 1:34 p.mok. I will concede that it is in the bible.
I don't believe it is a sin to God, but I admit it was a sin in the eyes of the
guys that wrote the book.re - panamadesnews | 4:20 p.m"Have you read in the Bible where the religious leaders were going to
stone a woman caught in the very of adultry (no mention whether she or the man
involved were single or married, so it could have been fornication - single
consenting persons having sexual relations)."adultery means a
married person cheating on his/her spouse. so it doesn't have anything to do
with pre-marital sex."When we kneel before our maker to be
judged, what will he say when we say, "I didn't think it meant that".
He will say, "Why didn't you listen to the prophets - I did send prophets
to teach the people, to tell them of the consequences of their actions."do you really think there are afterlife consequences for premarital sex?
i guess if you believe God wrote the bible, then you would think it is all a
sin.you eat shellfish?
SJ, you are spot on. I think the church is right to guard chastity, but
unfortunately, immorality is so pervasive in our society, that we have had to go
overboard in protecting chastity. It's like treating cancer from chemotherapy.
But fortunately, there is no reason why married couples can't overcome their
misconceptions and inhibitions. We just need to make as great an effort making
marriages great as we do protecting the chastity of our youth. And I think it
would be easier to tell our youth that sex is worth waiting for if they could
actually see indications of that in their parents' relationships. Parents could
start by actually talking to each other and their kids about sex and doing it in
a positive way, instead of making it sound shameful, dirty, or negative in any
way. I don't care if I embarass my kids, I'm going to talk to them about how
awesome it is.
Krissy. I sure don't blame you, but you can't really blame others for rushing to
get married just to have sex. You dealt with it your way, they dealt with it in
theirs. Nobody is perfect.
Everybody needs to judge this issue personally for themselves according to there
own conscience and knowledge of self. What may be bad for one may not be bad for
another. Premarital sex has both advantages and disadvantages. Chemistry is
crucial to a marriage. I firmly believe if people are not satisfied sexually, it
can cause problems in the relationship. Knowing that you like sex with a person
is a sure sign that the relationship is more likely to last. Or, even just
knowing that you or your partner enjoys sex in general is a good thing too. I am
not saying that sex is the most important thing in a relationship; however, if
the sex is not that great (or nonexistent) it could eventually lead to someone's
needs getting satisfied elsewhere and that can lead to divorce. Why do you think
sex therapy exists? Because it is THAT important to lasting relationships. I
would want to know if my partner and I are sexually compatible before marriage
than find out later after we've married that we are incompatible.I
think there are too many possible variables plus it coming from a biased source
to consider it very valid.
Charlie94312Have you read in the Bible where the religious leaders
were going to stone a woman caught in the very of adultry (no mention whether
she or the man involved were single or married, so it could have been
fornication - single consenting persons having sexual relations). The Lord,
asked about this said, "Let he who is wothout sin cast the first
stone". Then, after everyone besides Himself and the woman had left, he
told her, after He said he was not condemning her either, "Go and sin no
more".Read 2Peter 1: 20-21. Only a prophet can interpret the
scriptures. He called it a sin. We're not prophets, so how can we say it
doesn't really mean what it says. IT MEANS WHAT IT SAYS! We shouldn't try to
justify our or others' actions. When we kneel before our maker to be judged,
what will he say when we say, "I didn't think it meant that". He will
say, "Why didn't you listen to the prophets - I did send prophets to teach
the people, to tell them of the consequences of their actions."
There's one huge problem too. Inexperienced LDS couples who have done little
more than kiss end up on their wedding night having never discussed sex, nor do
they have a good understanding of possible conflicts and expectations. One may
have been told: "this is a non-no, while the others bishop claims it's OK
". There are many many areas both are ignorant in, and have no one they can
talk to who has expertise in sex therapy. So they have this sealed hell, as they
go through life. The churches divorce rate is 28.63%, I can safely say that 80%
of the problems began as problems in the marriage bed, with that division all
other conflicts became greater. I have never met as many people with so many
self inflicted inhibitions and misunderstandings. You need a balance, to enlist
everyone in a lame "Marriage class" that dares not enter into these
areas of great hurt, rejection and unfullfillment is a sin. Why not teach sex,
honestly and opening after the engagement?
As someone who was raised LDS and "waited" for many years, I believed
that it would help me have a happier marriage and that it was what God wanted me
to do. I didn't count on not getting married. Nor did I count on the MANY
failed relationships and years of frusteration and "temptation" I went
through. I chose to become sexually active prior to marriage in my thirties.
It was a good decision and actually helped this relationship become a marriage.
Happily married now for 5+ years. I don't trust studies like this, because it
discounts everyone out there whose relationships were/are good and included sex
outside marriage. We did not "live together", but we certainly were
intimate. I realize looking back that MANY of my previous "worthy, no
sex" relationships did have a great deal of intimacy and sexual activity,
but without choice and maturity. "Waiting" would never have fixed
what was not there. I wish there could be a study exploring all of the LDS
marriages where people got married, just to have sex. Sometimes there seems to
be too much focus on "avoidance" and not enough on building a future.
"I'm a firm believer that just being in love with somebody will make the
sex good."Oh, if only that were true! Good sex requires some
education and some trial and error too. Being in love will only get you so far
without real communication.And while it does help if the couple
knows each other for longer than a few months before getting married, doesn't
the way a couple gets to know each other after marriage carry greater weight in
the long run? What does it matter how long you dated before marriage if two
commited people make the effort to love one another and take care of their
marriage for years and years after the wedding?
"There is some truth and common sense reason to abstain as it keeps the
mind focused on the other persons values and character rather than the pleasures
of sex which is only a small part of a happy marriage."Actually, sex is a HUGE part of marriage, and frankly, it deserves a lot more
attention from LDS couples. I think it's wonderful that the church teaches
abstinence before marriage, and I applaud the members of the church who do that,
but unfortunately, abstinence before marriage far too often spills over into
marriage. The perception that sex is just a "small part" of marriage
is perpetuated, and the church is full of unhappy couples who do a great job of
reading their scriptures, having FHE, and magnifying their callings, but have a
husband/wife relationship that is all business. And it's too bad, because
marriage can be so much more!
To "charlie91342 | 12:54 p.m." so that you can understand the
scriptures that I am going to give you, you first need to understand the word
"fornication". Fornication is defined as "voluntary sexual
intercourse between persons not married to each other".Ok, the
clearest scriptures can be found in the New Testament, there are some in the Old
testament, but are more difficult to understand.In 1 Corinthians
6:18 it says "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the
body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
That does say "thou shalt not have sex before marriage", just with
different words.Ephesians 5:3 "But fornication, and all
uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh
saints;"There are many more, just look up the word fornication
in a King James version of the Bible.If you can't figure out a
person's faults after dating them for a while, maybe you shouldn't get married
because you are not letting your true selves out. If you can't be yourself
while dating, how long can you last until you can't keep up the show?
re - RedShirt | 11:34 a.m"there are multiple bible verses that deal
with sex out of wedlock, you just have to go and find them."name some, or at least one. I bet it is subject to interpretation and doesn't
say "thou shalt not have sex before marriage".as for the
"test drive" comment, I was talking about living together to make sure
you are compatible, not "test driving" sex. anyone that gets married
without first living together is crazy. this is especially true of young people
that live with their parents and then get married and move in together.marriage is just a peice of paper that provides some legal benefits, and is
also our way of showing true love and commitment to the other person. only in
religious circles does it mean more, especially in the mormon religion. I
imagine the "studies" that you stated in your post were done by
religious people, for religious people.at least if you live together
for a while you know the other person's faults, and know you can accept them...
I think the "test drive" theory is ridiculous. I'm a firm believer
that just being in love with somebody will make the sex good. You don't have to
test drive your future spouse - you just have to love them.That
said, I really don't care what adults do behind closed doors, whether they're
married or not. I've known plenty of LDS marriages break up because the couple
has known each other two weeks before getting engaged, so you can't say that
people who live together before marriage corner the market on divorces.
To "charlie91342 | 10:27 a.m." there are multiple bible verses that
deal with sex out of wedlock, you just have to go and find them.As
for your car analogy. If you test drive a car, does it become emotionally
attached to you, and wonder if you are going to come over and test drive it
again?Go and search for the studies that have been done that have
found that when people live together before marriage, their marriage suffer.
I'm still trying to figure out how abstinence and "no sex before
marriage" became a religious rule. There is nothing in the bible about
not having sex unless you are married.why is premarital sex
considered a "sin" when the main religious book doesn't say that?
just more "interpretation" from the religious authorities?sex and love are two different things. why does religion insist on taking the
"fun" out of sex? and I do mean sex, not talking about love. once
you are in love, obviously you only have sex with that person.shouldn't the issue be monogamy, not marriage? does it really matter if you
are married, or is it really just that you should be monogamous and not be
jumping from bed to bed?and does that apply only once you have found
love? does it really apply to young people "sowing their oats" before
finding a mate and settling down?seems like religion wants to
control just about everything that is fun in life...re - Mc | 8:50
a.mdo you or your mate test drive a car before you buy it? well,
that's the same thing as living together before marriage.
Those who have engaged in premarital sex will defend it and those who haven't
will defend this BYU study. The hope is to reach those who are young before
they decide to have sex in hopes that they will see the many benefits to
waiting. I've seen many marriages fail when the couple had lived
together before marriage. They seem to blame the institution of marriage itself
for the failure of their relationship instead of blaming their lack of
commitment to each other before sex or other issues in their relationship.
There is some truth and common sense reason to abstain as it keeps the mind
focused on the other persons values and character rather than the pleasures of
sex which is only a small part of a happy marriage. This decades old belief of
being good in bed is important is merely a crutch and excuse to have sex. What
happens outside of the bed is more important.
To be fair, how unbiased can this research be coming from a LDS-funded
This is nothing new. I learned the same stuff 50 years ago in the textbook of a
sociology class I was taking at the university. The human species is a
pair-bonding species and extramarital or promiscuous sex damages an individual's
ability to form a strong pair bond. Learning that back then helped motivate me
to be careful before I got married. It paid off then and still pays off now.
This is a "no-brainer"! Its love versus lust! Those who are overcome
with lust loose their ability to love another person. I have seen it hundreds of
times. Those who laugh at this will mourn and the vast majority will end up
divorced and children will be raised in single parent homes, guaranteed!
I have noticed that most popular magazines near check-out stands at the grocery
store feature at least one article on the front cover relating to sex. This
obsession is damaging to healthy relationships. It is especially degrading to
women, as if superficial attraction and selfish appetites are more important
than what really counts.