Now President Reagan is going to start mandatory drug testing for White House employees.

How about as an addendum we tack on mandatory brain testing for some of our people in the State Department?I bet we find a whole bunch of them running around a couple of quarts low.

Take this Intermediate Nuclear Forces Treaty that Ron and Mikhail signed the other day when they didn't have anything better to do.

Their wives probably went shopping, and the ball game was blacked out or something.

The point is that it doesn't make any sense.

OK, so most of what the government does falls under this category.

What I mean is, here we are funneling hundreds of millions of dollars to the government of El Salvador to fight a bunch of leftist guerrillas in the jungles so the Russians can't get another foothold in the good 'ol U.S. of A.'s backyard.

I say we put the guerrillas in a zoo where they belong and no bananas for a month.

All I know is that the government tells me we've got to do something to stop these left-handed apes in El Salvador, or else one morning we'll wake up to find the Russians shopping at the local K mart.

Catch the logic?

I hear, it helps if you work for the State Department.

If that's really the case, though, then somebody better explain to me why in the name of George Shultzare we spending even more millions on a treaty that invites the Russians to come to Utah so they can measure, weigh and peek at our missiles.

We even built them the Magna Wall so they'd feel at home.

Of course, they weren't even here a full day before they made a beeline straight for the K mart.

I guess there's really no use crying over spilt vodka, though.

If the Russians are coming, we should try to make the best of it.

Or at least turn a profit off them.

It's in the capitalist credo, isn't it?

A couple of reporters brainstorming in the newsroom the other day suggested opening a restaurant out in Magna to cater to the Russians.

They thought "McGorbachevs" had a nice ring.

No menus.

Just take whatever they give you.

And stand in line a lot.

Don't laugh. This might really catch on.

Pretty soon, everyone would start catering to the Russians.

Soup of the day at JB's would be borsch.

Hardee's would hand out copies of Pravda along with their breakfast biscuits.

And K mart would have red light specials.

I suppose it'll even become very chic for Utahns to have a Russian over for a bite to eat.

Sort of like: "My dinner with Nikolai."

Someone said they like fish eggs.

I thought about breaking out a couple of jars of "Balls O' Fire" from the tackle box and serving them with crackers.

Or just skipping the meal and going fishing.

It's just too bad that concerns over spying will mean the the Russians can't go anywhere without a U.S. escort.

I guess the government is worried they might sneak off to the corner of the Magna library and giggle while staring at centerfolds in Popular Mechanics.

Or check out one of those "how to" books: "BUILDING A NUCLEAR MICROWAVE IN 10 EASY STEPS."

I say we don't give them a library card, and no nickels for the Xerox machine.

But even if they do turn out to be agents, I've got an easy solution.

Stick a piece of masking tape their back which reads, "I'M A SPY, PINCH ME."

I have to chuckle though every time I hear our government swear up and down that we're only sending Boy Scouts to check up on the Russians.

I understand all there is for the Americans to do in Votkinsk is build snowmen and pick berries.

Do you think they give merit badges for spying?