Pignanelli and Webb: Easter Sunday is always a special holiday — a time of reflection and rebirth. So rather than provide our own observations, we offer readers another path to political enlightenment — headlines and subheads from newspapers and periodicals of interest. Please enjoy.
Mitt Romney Senate campaign in serious trouble — Former Massachusetts governor "just not catching on" in Utah.
Trump admits to multiple mistakes and praises CNN coverage — “I just may not have the intellect or temperament to be president.”
Hillary Clinton accepts entire responsibility for 2016 loss — “I was a terrible candidate and The Donald totally outcampaigned me.”
Cold caffeine consumption skyrockets in the Beehive State — Legislature passes resolution declaring Diet Coke the state beverage.
Herbert gives speech without mentioning Utah has nation's best economy — Staff apologizes for mistake and assures governor will mention it three times in his next public address.
Rep. Mike Noel praises environmentalists — “Sierra Club and SUWA have much to offer in the public lands debate. They do more than just lick rocks."
Stormy Daniels to speak at Utah economic development conference — “Regardless of your profession, it’s all about marketing and branding.”
Republican Central Committee members organize two-day retreat on accepting reality — Therapists lead them in chant: “SB54 is here to stay … SB54 is here to stay.”
Salt Lake Mayor Jackie Biskupski welcomes legislative takeover of Northwest Quadrant — "This is one less thing I have to worry about. I need to focus on bikes and human rights."
Congressman John Curtis claims D.C. not so bad — “As a former elected official from Utah County, I am prepared for any dysfunction.”
State Republican Party chair opens GoFundMe account — “Yeah, it’s humiliating,” Rob Anderson says, “But we need the money.”
Speaker Greg Hughes referees fight between Salt Lake City and Salt Lake County mayors — "I'm putting Ben and Jackie into the ring and whoever survives the bloody match gets to take over the Rio Grande project."
Sen. Mike Lee grows weary of Constitution — "Fighting for 230-year-old fundamental principles gets a little boring," says the constitutional scholar.
Utah drinkers have money to invest — New DUI law reduces alcohol consumption expenses.
Congressman Rob Bishop surprises staff with emotional outburst — Unusual passion from stoic representative was about baseball spring training.
Congresswoman Mia Love endorsed by Nancy Pelosi — “Re-electing Mia is more important than Democrats taking over the House.”
Former Congressman Jason Chaffetz tires of media appearances — Wishes to pursue career as monk in a library.
Congressman Chris Stewart struggles to finish book about Washington politics — Finds that Washington is totally devoid of miracles.
CNN says something nice about Trump — “It’s a hoot to shock viewers,” says Anderson Cooper.
Sen. Orrin Hatch announces his new policy center will have dorm rooms — “My lifetime staffers and lobbyist friends need someplace to live and sleep.”
Scientific investigators discover Scott Anderson has cloned himself several times — “It is mathematically impossible for one person to serve on so many boards, lead so many charitable activities and be involved in every important community cause and issue while successfully running a bank,” says one researcher.
Senate President Wayne Niederhauser decides not to retire after all — “Bicycle excursions are already getting boring.”
Fired Trump Cabinet members express disgust — “This used to be a very elite and exclusive club. Now there are so many of us that it’s no longer special.”
U.S. House Republicans vote to hand over U.S. Senate to Democrats — “All our bills die there anyway, so let the Democrats have it.”
Congressional Democrats decline to take over House, despite winning a majority of seats — “It’s so dysfunctional that we decided we don’t want it.”
Vladimir Putin admits to poisoning his political rivals — “Russian dictators must set an example for honesty,” he says.
Kim Jong Un agrees to dismantle nuclear arsenal — “I’m going to have a tickling match with Trump instead.”
Trump press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders admitted to hospital with serious case of whiplash — Doctor says her neck sustained serious injuries attached to a head trying to explain contradictory and erratic policy positions.
Remaining Fox News hosts disappointed at not being selected for Trump’s Cabinet — “I’m going for some CNN personalities instead,” says Trump.
Utah Democratic Party considers name change —Chair Daisy Thomas says, “If it works for the UTA, it could work for us.”
Halloween manufacturer produces John Dougall mask — “Half the state is terrified of him so it's a guaranteed winner.”
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox stops tweeting — “There are more mature ways to gather social media followers for my gubernatorial campaign. I’m hiring Cambridge Analytica."
Attorney Geneneral Sean Reyes to join Trump legal team — "Everyone else quit, plus I'm experienced at cleaning up predecessors’ messes.”
Deseret News apologizes to Pignanelli, Webb for bumping them from Opinion Section front page — Says contributors are placed in "alphabetical order” to justify ploy to promote column of new editorial page editor.Comment on this story
Please have a happy Easter … and happy April Fool's Day!
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is the president/CEO of the Special Olympics of Utah. Email: email@example.com.