Hawaii is rethinking its newfangled nuclear attack warning system. Maybe you shouldn't be able to activate it with a thumbprint on the home button.


For more than a half-hour a week ago, Hawaiians were under the impression their government had alerted them of an actual ballistic missile attack. In retrospect, this might have been a bad moment for state officials to go on a break.


President Donald Trump said part of the problem was that people in Hawaii already were on edge. Yes, they’ve been that way since Dec. 7, 1941.


The United Kingdom just appointed a minister of loneliness. To make matters worse, they gave her a large, empty office with no phone or assistant.


The worst part about that job is that the U.K. is the only nation on earth with a minister of loneliness, which means she always has to give the keynote at the annual convention.


Amazon released a list last week of 20 cities eager to give up all their riches to host the company’s second headquarters. The winning city will get a lot of new jobs, which will almost make up for having to change its name to Amazonlandia.


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I’m only half-joking. The city of Stonecrest, Georgia, near Atlanta, has offered to change its name to Amazon and make Jeff Bezos the mayor for life. Now that’s the spirit of democracy! Have a pothole on your street? It can be fixed with less tax money from these vendors, but not without Prime.


Among the other incentives cities are offering, Washington, D.C., would build an Amazon University. The football team would be known as the Fighting Nerds. All the plays would be communicated in binary code.


For its part, Newark, New Jersey, didn’t beat around the bush. It’s offering Amazon $7 billion. And if the company doesn’t perform as expected? Well, let’s just say it would be a shame if all those Prime packages ended up in the river.