SALT LAKE CITY — Great, Tom Brady is returning to the Super Bowl. It’s about time something good happened to that poor guy.
Not that I’m being sarcastic.
Let’s face it: This is Tommy World, and the rest of us are bit players in his fantasy life.
What I want to know is this: When Tom Brady prepares to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, what does he wish for?
To play in the Super Bowl? Check. Sunday will mark his eighth trip to the Super Bowl — more than any player ever.
To win a Super Bowl ring? Check, check, check, check and check. A win Sunday means he’ll have to use the other hand to wear all his rings.
To have two beautiful children with supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen? Check. A boy and a girl — one of each, of course.
To become rich? Check. He has a net worth of about $180 million, which makes him only the second richest person at Chez Brady. Mrs. Brady is worth about $360 million. In other words, they probably don’t eat out at Taco Bell, and she’s not clipping coupons while he’s watching film.
To become the GOAT? Check. Meet the man who took the title from Joe Montana.
To live in a mansion? Check. Brady has homes that are bigger than Liechtenstein. He built a home in Los Angeles that was 18,000 square feet. Let’s put it this way: It has a moat. It took four years to build. They sold it for $40 million. Mr. and Mrs. Brady downsized and built a home that is a mere 14,000 square feet in Boston next door to the big cheese himself, Patriots owner Bob Kraft. They also have a luxury condo in Manhattan overlooking the Hudson. Whether throwing passes or buying homes, it’s all about location.
To play for the smartest, savviest coach in history? Check. Bill Belichick is the grumpy, hoody-wearing Oz pulling the levers behind the curtain that make the Patriots the best team ever.
To have a personal chef? Check. T. Colin Campbell serves up brown rice, vegetables, millet, beans, quinoa, with a dash of Himalayan pink salt, and absolutely no white sugar or Captain Crunch. Yum! No word on what the Brady children think of this.
To play pro football into his 40s — and play well? Brady could well win his third MVP award at the age of 40 after throwing for a league-leading 4,500 yards this season. Brady and Roger Federer might be the only athletes alive who get better with age.
To have his promising young backup traded to another team when Brady is 40 years old? Check. Bye-bye, Jimmy Garoppolo. Unlike Brett Favre and Montana, Brady no longer has a talented kid breathing down his neck.
To be tall and handsome? Check. Ask your wife (or maybe she should ask her husband about his man crush).
To make that Deflategate thing go away? Check. What was that?
To have a garage full of luxury cars? Check. Actually, you can’t call them cars — they’re automobiles. Or motor cars. A Rolls Royce. A Range Rover. A Bugatti. A handful of Audis. His toughest decision of the day is trying to decide what to drive.
To be so successful and famous that he becomes an international brand? Check. TB12 has a logo, app, clothing line, diet, training program, shoes — even an automobile. Brady collaborated with Aston Martin to design the “Tom Brady Signature Edition” Vanquish S Volante. There are only 12 of them. Get it? — 12, same as his jersey number. If nothing else, it’s a good way to get Brady's autograph, which is featured on a metal plate inside the car. But it will cost you $360,000.
It doesn’t stink to be Tom Brady. Life is a breeze. His biggest problem is trying to get his personal trainer on the team plane. Every traffic light turns green, every restaurant table becomes free, every traffic jam is in the other lane. There are kings and queens who would trade places with this guy. The only real surprise is that Publishers Clearing House hasn’t knocked on his door with a big check.
So what does he do with that birthday wish? Maybe he just throws up his hands. I’m good — give it to someone else.