Angela Trusty
Reading his texts was wrong, now what should I do?

Dear Angela,

I'm dating this wonderful young man — great job, great family, great style, handsome, athletic, I could go on forever. He is the real deal. Last week, I was at his apartment and I asked to use his computer and it was strange because when he logged me in, he first signed out of his own account and logged me into a guest account. I thought that was a weird thing to do because I haven't done anything to suggest that I'm not trust worthy, not to mention, he doesn't work for any secret agency (ie. James Bond, Charlie's Angels, Sydney Bristow) so why the secrecy?

It bothered me so much that when he left his phone unattended and unlocked, I looked through it and was really upset by what I found. There were many text conversations with multiple different girls that were pretty inappropriate and made me very uncomfortable, and it turns out we're not in this committed relationship, as I had previously thought. I'm devastated. It was wrong of me to do what I did, but now that I know, what should I do? Is there any salvaging this relationship?

— SnoopGal


Let me make sure I understand:

1. He logged you into his guest account.

2. You thought that was weird.

3. Therefore, you read his text messages?

I don't get it. What if he was in the middle of working on something and didn't want you closing his browser? Or was worried that a document might accidentally get deleted? Why the immediate assumption that he's hiding something?

And salvage the relationship? Why would you want to? If having shady text message conversations with multiple women while dating you isn't a deal breaker, then what is?

So many questions.

As I see it, these are your options:

1. Pretend like nothing happened. You shouldn't have been snooping through his phone anyway, right? So just pretend like you didn't and go on acting like you're dating the perfect guy. Consequently, be driven crazy every time he picks up his phone to send a text or anytime he mentions a female friend, ever.

2. Break up with him and cite generic reasons so you don't have to get into the fact that you read his stuff. "It's not working out..." "I'm too busy for a relationship..." "I'm not ready to be serious..." "Provo is too far..." etc., etc.

3. Be real with him. You read his texts and you're upset by many of the things that you saw. Maybe your confronting him will inspire him to clean up his act and be this amazing guy, but either way, right now you two aren't in a place to be in a healthy relationship with each other.

I'd choose number three, 1,000 percent. He'll probably be angry that you were reading his private business (and with good reason), but it's still important to communicate.

But SnoopGal, if you feel the urge to snoop again, talk to the person in the moment about those feelings. In this situation, you're probably happy that you know the truth, but reading someone else's text messages or journal entries, email, Facebook messages, etc., without their consent is dishonest and it's a bad habit to cultivate.

Let us know what happens.



Reader questions: Have you ever snooped where you shouldn't have been snooping? What was the end result? What would you do in SnoopGal's situation?

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