Aren't you glad you aren't Mitt Romney?
I may be the only person in the world who listens to the talking heads who analyze and talk about each primary like they were important sporting events that really mattered. I may be the only one left in Utah who probably isn't a Romney supporter.
I say probably because I feel sorry for him. No matter how well he does, no matter how many delegates he gets, the commentators see it as clear evidence that he's about to fail. Even sports guys know that if one team has a 100-point lead, that team's doing pretty well.
And how would you feel if everywhere you went someone was saying that you don't measure up to the high standards that Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are setting? Now that would hurt.
In addition to feeling bad for Mitt, sometimes I feel like voting for Romney just because I'm worried about what he'll do if he's not elected. He's been being nice to all of us and smiling all the time for years now. That's got to be hard. Do you have any idea how mad he's going to be if he doesn't get to be president? Oh, I don't want to be around for that. He'll make Bob Dole seem downright cheerful.
(This is the part where I am supposed to pretend like Ron Paul doesn't even exist. But I like Ron Paul. If all the Republican performers were my neighbors, I'm guessing Ron Paul would be the only one who would be willing to come over and eat cookie dough and pizza and watch "The Office" with me. I'll bet I'd laugh harder at an episode with him than any before it.)
So, here's a day in my life, if I was treated like Mitt Romney:
Wolf Blitzer: So, Anderson, what do you make of the fact that Steve seems insistent that he'll continue to go to work despite recent polls that show that 40 percent of all his coworkers think he is mentally unbalanced and 65 percent think he eats too much cookie dough?
Anderson Cooper: Well, so far, he's managed to get the work done. But, let's face it, he's just plain no good at this.
Wolf Blitzer: Some 32 percent of people have said they'd prefer to work with anyone else, even Rick Santorum. A recent poll said that 55 percent of people trust Newt Gingrich over Eaton to clean out the microwave in the break room. Now, that's a serious issue Eaton is going to have to deal with if he's going to keep his job.
Anderson Cooper: The truth is that a lot of people feel that Eaton is just too perfect, too good-looking. They can't connect with him.
You were with me right up until that point, weren't you? I will have you know, I used to have good hair but it's true that it was never like Mitt Romney's hair — all organized on my head.
You think Romney has it bad. Poor President Obama. He told us he could do better than the dope in the White House and he would change everything. Now we blame him instead of the guy who used to be there.
I guess that's a change. We've learned our lesson, and this time we're going to vote for a Republican who promises us that he'll fix everything and give us an America we can believe in.
If it were me, I wouldn't promise I'd fix everything. I would just say stuff like, "Vote for me and I'll let you ride on that big airplane with the bump on it." Or, "Vote for me and I'll turn things over to the original cast from 'The West Wing.' They were way good at running the country."
And the Republicans are so busy criticizing each other and President Obama that you wonder if they are really thinking through what they say. I saw a story recently where Gingrich said that Romney is the weakest front-runner since 1920, so that we should vote for someone like Newt because he would be more electable than Mitt. Wouldn't you think Gingrich would have a campaign aide somewhere who would tell him how silly that sounds?
"Ah, Newt, I wouldn't bring that up because, well, you see, the truth is you haven't been able to beat him, and that makes you a guy who can't beat the weakest front-runner in nearly a century."
"Oh, right. My bad."
I'm guessing Newt Gingrich doesn't have any PR people, because if he did, they would tell people to stop chanting "Newt! Newt! Newt!" at campaign rallies because it makes his events look like very funny Monty Python sketches.
The election seems to be about just waiting to see if a candidate will say something, anything that's politically incorrect. If I were forced to go on stage and make intense, intelligent arguments in 60-second increments, I would make Rick Perry look like a genius.
"And that's why I would make a great ... What am I running for again?"
How long would you last if someone followed you around and recorded everything you said? How long would it take you before you said that you were in favor of something before you opposed it? If a room full of sixth-graders were pressuring you, could you spell "potato"?
When I was in fourth grade, I raised my hand before a test to ask the teacher if I was male or female. I knew I was a guy; I just didn't know what the technical, scientific term was for my gender. My friends scorned and ridiculed me for years over that one blunder, but eventually they forgot about it.
However, if I had been a fourth-grader running for president, that would have ended my political career right then and there. That's just not right.
Yeah, I'm glad I'm not Mitt Romney, and I'll bet you $10,000 you are, too.
Steve Eaton lives and works in Logan, Utah. He can be reached at [email protected]