“Hey, Brother Hill. Will you help us set up chairs?”
This is a no-brainer. You bet I’ll do that.
I love to set up chairs. This is the only thing I can do well in the church, really well. It's hard to be humble when I’m the chair set-up king. I’ve got the pick-‘em-up-kick-‘em-out-put-‘em-down technique that is really, really efficient. I’m the one-man chair putter-downer.
If you were to see me in action, you would say, “Look at that crazy guy go. He's a one-man, totally efficient, automated, systematic, chair-putter-downer king.” That’s what you’d say. Flip, swish, BAMM!
If I were to truly aspire to a church calling, it would be the ward chair set-up specialist (WCSS), but they never, ever call me to that. They always call me to a calling that I can’t do very well. Honestly, I would be a good WCSS. Really. Just give me the call, bishop, and I’ll go at it, magnify like a telescope.
Except I noticed Brother Bingham has the chair set-up thing down, too. Oh, him and Brother Lowe. So there might be some competition for the calling. They both have the pick-‘em-up-kick-‘em-out-put-‘em-down rhythm also, but a whole lot faster. Plus, they get those chairs down the rows much straighter. My rows kind of stray to the right, while theirs form a perfect straight line right across dead center. They don’t seem to look. They just put ‘em right down, with the ratatatatat tat atat fire of a machine gun.
To obtain the WCSS calling, we’ll need to compete for the calling, me against Lowe/Bingham in a no-holds-barred dash’n’bash — and I’m gonna have to practice.
Here’s an idea: an all-stake/all-region/all-church Chair Set-Up Tournament. They used to have this type of thing for basketball and softball. Why not have some competition for setting up chairs?
We could have a mad scramble relay, pitting teams against each other for the swiftness and accuracy of set-up — the whole thing going from pulling a chair cart from under the stage, grabbing the chairs from the cart and neatly placing them in rows. I’d pay money to see it.
How about a lifting competition, to see how many chairs a good brother could lift without dying, or maybe a chair gymnastics thing where competitors show the grace and finesse of chair set-up with background music ("Swan Lake," perhaps, or "Stairway to Heaven")?
Since we have taken finesse out of chair set-up nowadays, so the competition would bring culture to the operation, bring us up to a new level of chair set-up, get the brethren out of the same old chair set-up routine.
I’d compete for sure. It would give me practice. Maybe beat out Bingham and Lowe.
I can dream the dream.
Bill Hill lives in Idaho Falls, Idaho, with his wife and three daughters. He provides psycho-social rehabilitation to children.