I don't get the BCS. Don't get it at all.
I don't get why banks are making it so hard to get a loan when the main reason the economy is staggering is because people can't get loans.
I don't get why Americans watch so many shows about dancing.
I don't get how Taylor Swift can be considered country.
But what I really don't get is Sarah Palin.
I haven't understood Sarah Palin since I first heard her name as John McCain's running mate in the 2008 presidential election, may it forever rest in peace.
She was a first-term governor from a far flung state; she and McCain did not win, didn't even come close; she told a bunch of misleading untruths, if not outright lies, about the bridge to nowhere and other myths; she bought a lot of clothes on other people's credit cards; and then, as a kind of encore, she quit as Alaska's governor 18 months before her term was up.
It seems to me her chief claim to fame is she looks like Tina Fey.
And yet, there she was Wednesday, signing copies of her new book, "Going Rogue," at the Salt Lake Costco as hundreds lined up to meet her.
Mob scenes like the one at Costco are being replicated all across the country. The book has already sold over a million copies! In three weeks!
I needed help to understand what fuels the Sarah Palin express. I turned to the most obvious suspects: the first people waiting in line at Costco.
They were, by name, Shirley McClay and Gilda Brooks, both of Logan, and Kathy Larsen of Layton. All three women recently made the acquaintance of their 60s. They are mothers and grandmothers, and Tuesday night they slept on the sidewalk outside the store in near-zero weather so they could meet their hero.
I asked them if they do this sort of thing normally. Gilda said never. Shirley said not since she stood in line for the Righteous Brothers when she was a teenager, and that wasn't overnight. Kathy said she'd never camped out for anything in her life, but added, "Although I did see 'Sound of Music' seven times."
So why now? Why this? Why her?
Kathy spoke up first. "It's because she's such an incredible woman," she said. "I heard her speak at that (2008 Republican) convention and I thought, 'Oh, my gosh. This is a woman I can relate to.' "
Gilda and Shirley nodded in enthusiastic agreement. "She's a feminist but the right kind of feminist. She has kids. She's juggled family and career. She knows how to get things done," said Shirley.
"She's a conservative who can put us back on the right track," added Gilda. "She's not a normal politician."
Sensing there might be a strong female bias going on here, I asked what they'd do if Mitt Romney held a book-signing.
"If Mitt were here, we'd be first in line for him, too," said Shirley, as her cohorts agreed.
The mention of Mitt Romney brought even more rapture to their expressions.
"If both would run, that would be the dream team," said Shirley.
The consensus was that Romney would top the ticket so Palin could then succeed him as president.
At the risk of raining on their parade, I brought up the little detail that Palin had quit on the people of Alaska as their governor.
The Palin-ites had a quick reply.
They said she left office early "because she was facing million dollar lawsuits every day; she couldn't do the people's business because of all her enemies."
They quoted Sarah's father, Chuck Heath, who said of his daughter's resignation: "She's not retreating; she's reloading."
With that, Sarah Palin appeared as if by magic and slid behind the desk where she would be signing books and making money. In true conservative style, she was 35 minutes early.
Thirty seconds later (each person was allotted 10 seconds with Palin), Shirley, Gilda and Kathy were on their way, clutching their signed "Going Rogue" books.
What now? I asked.
"Go out and wait to watch her get on the bus," she winked.
I still don't get it.
Lee Benson's column runs Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Please send e-mail to email@example.com