Has this ever happened at your house?
One day you notice there's a stray dish floating around your kitchen that doesn't belong to you.
A big fancy one.
Kind of crystal-y with scalloped edges.
Also with a handle in the middle. PERFECT for serving pigs-in-a-blanket at a party.
Which no one does anymore.
Although I really wish they would. Because guess what! Pigs-in-a-blanket rock!
The POINT is there's a strange dish in your kitchen, and you don't know to whom it belongs.
Or even how it got there, although you're guessing it showed up during that bishop's open house you held.
The problem is this: There were a LOT of people at that open house.
It was like a big crazy frat party, except that everyone there was middle-age and also Mormon and no one was swinging on the chandelier.
But other than that, it was exactly like a big crazy frat party.
PARTY ON, MIDDLE-AGE MORMONS!
Anyway, you yourself were only semi-conscious during the open house because you were worn out by all that pre-party cleaning, which meant you didn't notice who brought what.
Or who even came.
Meanwhile the person who brought the fancy plate forgot to take it home. So now it's in your kitchen, sitting on your counter.
At first you're full of good intentions.
Hey! You are gonna hunt down that fancy-plate-bringing-ward-member like an animal and return her dish (all clean and sanitary!) within 24 hours.
But you don't because guess what?
Matching up a mystery plate with its mystery owner is one of those Life Tasks that's a LOT harder than it should be.
What are you supposed to do? Distribute "FOUND" posters throughout the neighborhood with a picture of the plate looking adorable for the camera?
Meanwhile, the days, weeks, months and years slip by, like sands in an hourglass (not unlike the days of our lives). And that fancy plate still sits there on your counter, waiting for you to return it.
Which you don't.
Instead you and your family learn how to work around it.
Occasionally, your husband asks if he can at least put it up in a cupboard, but you say, NO!
Putting that plate in the cupboard means you are never EVER going to return it, which would make YOU (technically speaking) a fancy plate thief.
Meanwhile that fancy plate still sits there on your counter, filling you with shame, reminding you of all the other moments in your life when you dropped the ball, including that time you forgot the soccer treats 15 years ago and all the kids said they were thirsty and you wanted to say, "WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU LITTLE WIMPS DON'T PLAY FOOTBALL FOR FRANK KUSH."
(Only you didn't.)
(Because Frank Kush had retired by then.)
And then one day you say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH," and you write a column ending with a sentence like this:
"Lost your crystal plate? Five years ago? Call me."
I beg you …
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