I was happy to learn this week that Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff is looking into whether the BCS violates antitrust laws.

He suspects the system that crowns a football national champion is unfair and unsportsmanlike. More important, it denies equal access to millions of dollars in revenue. The amount of tourism, etc., generated by a championship would mean significant dollars to the state.

So the A.G. is looking to set things straight, which could include suing the pants off the BCS. I'd like to see him get to work right away — just as soon as he investigates a few other things. For instance, I'm hoping he can first find out why my car insurance company can raise my rates after one traffic ticket. One!

He should also find out why insurance companies can have "first accident forgiveness," which means for an additional fee they'll forgive you for daring to make a claim.

While he's out investigating, I'd appreciate him seeing whether there's anything illegal about a car salesman quoting a price, then coming back and saying he's sorry but he can't offer that price after all — his manager just won't allow it. I also want to know if it's legal for him to put you in a room with someone selling the extended warranty. That seems like a crime against humanity to me.

Another issue I'd like to have cleared up before Shurtleff starts on the BCS is how come I can't order new contact lenses unless I've had my eyes examined within a year. The explanation is my prescription may have changed.

In that case, maybe we should all get measured before purchasing a pair of pants, in case our waist size has changed.

I know this is someone else's problem, but I wish Shurtleff would find out why the Detroit Lions are allowed to call themselves an NFL team and why everyone is in a recession except the New York Yankees. He could also investigate why colleges are slashing department budgets but football coaches keep getting raises.

Maybe on his errands the A.G. can find out exactly why everything works out for Urban Meyer. And how Rio Tinto Stadium ended up in Sandy, rather than downtown. And exactly how the Legislature ended up helping fund the stadium in the first place.

But those are just the sports matters.

As long as he's investigating, I'd love to see the A.G. scrutinize drive-throughs that say, "Do you want large or medium on that order?" without ever mentioning that the small is also available at a cheaper price — the one they advertise on the display.

I also want to know if it's legal for hotels to charge ridiculous rates for room service, then add a lot of taxes and a "delivery charge" and then expect you to tip the waiter. If that's not illegal it should be.

I think Shurtleff should find out once and for all whether speed cops have a quota. And why drivers are supposed to know every law in the books ("ignorance isn't an excuse"). If judges can research the law to render decisions, how come a regular driver is supposed to have it all in his head?

I'd also appreciate Shurtleff's finding out why it's against the law in some cities to shovel snow into the street when you're clearing your driveway, but it's not against the law for the snow plows to shovel it into yours.

As long as he's investigating, maybe the A.G. could tell me why, when cable or satellite programming goes out, customers aren't reimbursed for time lost.

I know this is a private business matter, like some of the others I've mentioned, but I'd also like to know whether Carlos Boozer could be sued for nonperformance of contract.

I'd like answers to all of these, please, Mr. Attorney General.

Then, when time allows, I really would appreciate your checking into this shady BCS stuff. After all, I'm pretty sure I recognize a ripoff when I see it.

E-mail: rock@desnews.com