If I had a nickel for every time somebody told me I needed a new picture taken for the paper, I could probably afford a way overdue makeover-model session at Glamour Shots.
Or some good photo-enhancing software, maybe.
Since people always forget to give me loose change with their compliments and because I'm a cheapskate, I hit up our photo department on a slow news day instead. That decision admittedly might have been influenced by the fact this paper's photo studio moonlights as our food editor's culinary creation station.
Alas, the only thing cooking on this day was me under the studio lights. Say cheese! (Pros really don't say that, by the way.) Snap. Eh, voila. Here's the much-requested new photo, which certainly fits into this narrow column quite a bit better.
For comparison sakes, I dug up some old mug shots of me from my plumper days.
Caesar Cut Jody (about 11 years and 135 pounds ago): Old mug shots!?! Did you really just refer to me as OLD? You might have lost weight, pal, but you've definitely gained some wrinkles.
Current Jody: Nice bangs, anyway. Sorry, but you looked more goony than Clooney. And did ya leave the matching toga and laurel leaf headband at home?
Last Mug Shot Jody (five years and 100-plus pounds ago): So, you're my replacement!? Thanks for sending me off to archives. Can't wait. What's up with calling us "plumper" anyway?
Current Jody: Well, I have dropped 150-or-so pounds overall, and I've lost about three chins since you were taken, according to one of my wise-cracking co-workers. Plus, I didn't think you'd mind me describing you with an adjective that also works for hot dogs.
Last Mug Shot Jody: Well, since you put it that way, good point. You don't have an extra chili-cheese dog, do you?
Current Jody: Sorry. I've kinda given up those.
Grizzly Jody (10 years and hundreds of razors ago): Looks like you gave up some hair, too. And I'm not just talking about your receding hairline.
Current Jody: Oh, wow. I haven't seen your furry face since "The Beard Diet" challenge left me looking like Pavarotti.
Grizzly Jody: You know, you might have hit your overall goal years ago if you wouldn't have shaved or cut your hair until losing 150 pounds instead of just 50 pounds.
Current Jody: Problem was, women avoided me like I avoided razors.
Grizzly Jody: Oh yeah. Well, now that you're married and don't need to worry about impressing women, maybe you should try that method again to get the final 50 pounds off.
Mrs. Current Jody: Don't give him any ideas. Seriously. Don't.
Current Jody: Don't worry. I'll go back to eating chili-and-cheese hot dogs before I go back to that look.
Mrs. Current Jody: That sounds like a brilliant plan. Why don't you bring back the gelled-down bangs while you're at it, slick?
Caesar Cut Jody: See, Jody, women love it.
Current Jody: Um, I don't think that's what she meant. Well, guys, it's been fun reminiscing. Hate to end this chitchat, but I've got to get back to my weight-loss column debut.
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