How to feel like an idiot in 25 easy steps:

1. Get into a fight with one of your adult sons on your way to a family reunion.

2. You know how it is! Nothing's more fun than driving to a family reunion!

3. Especially when all of you are crammed into one car loaded down with boxes of food and suitcases and Every. Single. Bicycle. Your. Family. Has. Ever. Owned. Including the ones with training wheels, because you know how it is!

4. Nothing's more fun than driving to a family reunion in a crowded car with a lot of bicycles. Especially when you get into a fight with one of your adult sons.

5. Of course, you simmer down eventually.

6. And somewhere around Beaver, you also start to feel guilty.

7. (Speaking of Beaver, remember how your dad taught you and your brothers the lyrics to the Beaver High School Fight Song?)

8. "Oh, I'm a Beaver Beaver! Slap my tail real hard! Chew my bark and build my dam! A Beaver man is what I am! Hey!"

9. Only as it turns out, your dad didn't really know the true lyrics to that song.

10. How do you know this? Because whenever you sing this song to people who actually went to Beaver High, they act like you're wearing tinfoil on your head.

11. Dads! They're always getting mixed up when it comes to teaching lyrics to the Beaver High School Fight Song to their kids!)

12. But whatever. The real issue is that you had a fight with your adult son, which makes you feel guilty.

13. Come on. The two of you should be way, way, WAY past this. It's not like the two of you are locked in mortal combat anymore because YOU think he should go to his first period math class, whereas HE thinks he should go to George's Cafe and eat a Roundhouse-and-a-half with all his non-math-class-attending pals.

14. Get a grip. Your son graduated from West High School years ago. He's a grown-up now. And so are you. Allegedly.

15. So you decide to send him an apologetic little text that says "I love you" because hey! You totally know how to text now! Which your kids think is hilarious! Especially when you send them texts even though you're all sitting in the same car together with a bunch of bicycles. Only instead of saying "I love you," you say "I luv u" because hey! You totally know how to text now!

16. Um. Your son isn't responding. You wait and wait and still. He doesn't respond.

17. Wow. He must be angrier than you thought he was, which makes you feel bad but also a little annoyed. Come on. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? Will the two of you have to go to couples therapy now because apparently you're such a crappy mother?

18. You'd like to see your adult sons be mothers!

19. Your cell-phone rings. Yes! It's probably your adult son calling you back.

20. Only you don't recognize the phone number ...

21. And also you don't recognize the caller's voice when he asks why u luv him ...

22. OH MY GOSH! You didn't send that text to your son.

23. You punched in the wrong phone number and sent that text to a complete stranger!

24. Who now wants to know why u luv him!

25. (Any questions about how to feel like an idiot?)


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