I'm pleased to announce that today will be my last day on the job. My final column. I'm outta here. Hasta la vista, baby.
My ship has come in. I don't need to work anymore as of about an hour ago. A letter arrived informing me that and you will hardly believe this I have won a $1.45 million jackpot!!!!
It said: "CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE ONE OF SEVEN LUCKY WINNERS OF U.S. $1,450,000.00." Then it spelled it out for me ONE MILLION FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in case I don't do well with decimals.
I'm so glad I'm me.
I didn't even know I was being considered. I don't know what I did to deserve this. It sounds almost too good to be true.
To collect the money, all I have to do is call a doctor in South Africa and send him some information name (they don't even know my name and they're giving me money!), address, Social Security number, safety deposit box password, my garage door code, what time of day no one is home, credit card number, and occupation (former writer turned rich guy).
Whatever they want me to do, I'll do. For $1.45 mil, I would kiss Mister Ed on the mouth. But not Rosie O'Donnell.
It sounds too easy. It's almost like getting something for nothing.
So I'm dumping this writing gig. If the paper is in a pinch, they can get Benson to write one more column a week. Or his identical twin brother, the honorable federal judge, Dee Benson.
Who will know the difference? As a sports columnist many years ago, Lee was too sick to cover a ballgame in New Mexico, so Dee filled in for him. He traveled with the team, covered the game and nobody knew the difference.
Recently, the other newspaper in town reported that LEE Benson sentenced a man to life in prison, so it sounds like they pulled the old Twin Switcheroo again either that, or Benson's column carries more clout than I thought it did.
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned any of that, so never mind.
Anyway, I can't believe my luck. There are so many people to thank. My mailman, for instance.
That's about it.
Hey, Robinson, you idiot, $1.45 mil doesn't go far these days!!
Well, I wasn't going to mention it, but I also have won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes several times $30 mil or more at a time but I'm still waiting for those monies to come in. Maybe they lost my address. I hope it arrives before my Escalade is repoed.
Almost every time I go to the mailbox, I win another Sweepstakes prize. Don't you wish you were me? Counting all the sweepstakes I've won over the years, I must be worth more than Jon Huntsman and Larry Miller combined. I could buy Kuwait.
Is there anyone who's as lucky as I am I mean, other than that dope Simon Cowell, who makes millions to sit on his keister each week so he can say, "That was a poor song choice for you," and make sarcastic remarks about the performers. I do that every night in front of the TV with only my dog for an audience, especially when Fox "News" is on the air. Fox News: the network that thinks it's news to report the latest developments on its own TV shows (read: "American Idol"). They are to journalism what Chuck Norris is to acting.
Now I have to decide what I'm going to do with all that money. One point four-five million dollars is chump change for, say, an NBA player. Carlos Boozer carries that much in loose change. But it's a lot of moola to moi.
The first thing people do when they come into money is spend it lavishly and stupidly. I'll do my best to keep up.
Keith Barton, the local lawyer who caused people to spontaneously throw household appliances at their TVs with his "one call that's all" commercials, came into a lot of money by suing people (and we wonder why we can't have playground equipment anymore). So he built a mansion the size of the Guggenheim. This was before the bank foreclosed on it.
Kenny Anderson, a one-time pro basketball player, bought eight luxury cars, which cost him $75,000 annually in insurance payments.
I'm getting it all mansions, luxury cars, TVs, home theater systems, a place in Hawaii, a private jet. Anderson explained it best when he said, "The more money you make, the more you spend."My new creed.
Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesday. Please send e-mail to email@example.com.