How will you show your sweetheart aka main squeeze how you feel about him/her this Valentine's Day?

I have been trying to think of something that would really impress my wife and remind her that she really did make the right choice in marrying me, and I've come up with some old ideas that are such profound ideas that we could all use a light review.

The first idea: give a pet rock. Rocks make the perfect pet. They don't eat anything, they don't shed, they don't scratch the furniture; they are always there for you, They don't make messes. Nothing says I love you like a rock.

Second idea: follow the beacon of light beckoning us in from the stormy sea of indecisive gift giving and do what my family does and ask yourself what would dad do? Well, my dad would carefully assess the situation and determine the greatest need. Whatever the situation was, the result would be the same. You would be giving a wheat grinder, fruit dryer or garden tiller.

The third idea: involves flowers, candy and a night on the town — a solid idea but kind of generic. I think you would be better served if you added a twist. Maybe you could light the flowers or candy on fire — that would be impressive. Whenever you can legally burn something or blow it up, I say do it!

Over the years I've given gifts that in hindsight weren't appropriate or just were not enough and I'd like to help others steer clear of making the same mistakes.

So this year when you are about to give a cactus as a token of your unwavering affection, don't. Instead, look into the virtues of a pet rock.

As you are making reservations at a restaurant that is sure to impress her, be thinking about what to do after the dinner. (Maybe you can blow something up.) Maybe you're thinking to really surprise your wife and clean the house and wash the dishes, but let's take it one step further and throw in a garden tiller to kind of seal the deal.

This Valentine's Day we need to remember those special people in our lives and do something really good. If we can somehow use fire that would be better.