How to waste Time and NOT Get Your Work Done (in 25 Easy Steps):
1. Yikes! It's almost Monday again! Which means you have another column due!
2. Um, wasn't it just Monday a few days ago?
3. That's the problem with Mondays. They're always showing up on your front porch like unwanted guests at dinnertime.
4. There you are, getting ready to take a bite out of your Free Wheeler pizza when the doorbell rings and surprise! It's another earnest young adult roaming the Avenues wearing a macrame choker, wanting you to sign a petition to Save Our Canyons.
5. Which you think is an excellent idea because (seriously) who does not love a canyon?
6. Except what you really, REALLY want to do right this very minute is eat your pizza.
7. Which is in the kitchen. Sitting on the counter. Getting cold.
8. Anyhoo! That's what Mondays feel like when you have a deadline and also no ideas.
9. Which is why you start engaging in all your favorite avoidance behaviors SUCH AS sorting laundry, flipping through catalogs, calling your mother, calling your best friend, reading the obituaries, wandering into the next room, forgetting why you went there, and (finally) sorting some more laundry.
10. Now THERE'S something they forgot to tell you when you decided to have five sons that you would be sorting laundry and washing Man Socks for the rest of your life.
11. Yes! Just what you always wanted to be when you grew up! A sock-washer!
12. But whatever. YOU have a deadline. Time to sit down and turn on that computer.
13. Which you do. Finally. Yes! Way to Go! High Five and Who's Your Daddy?!
14. The only problem is, you've got a nasty case of Writer's Block.
15. Fortunately, there's this wonderful thing out there that Al Gore invented before he got himself elected vice president. It's called the I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T. And it's the perfect place to hang for people like you who spent the morning washing Man Socks instead of writing columns.
16. Actually, you're fond of taking online personality tests: Which Hawaiian Island are you? Which TV mom are you? Are you more Angelina than Jennifer?
17. Today you hit the Online Personality Quiz motherlode. You find a test that tells you what kind of dog you would be if you were a dog!
18. What a great idea!
19. Maybe if you take this test you'll finally understand why your Newfoundland would rather gnaw on your living room furniture than all those chew toys you keep buying her.
20. So, OK. The column can wait. What's important right now is that you discover ONCE AND FOR ALL what kind of dog you really are.
21. So you take the quiz and find out you are part German shepherd and part Chihuahua.
22. Ew! Is that possible? What would that even look like?
23. Although it could explain why you feel like jumping up on the furniture whenever you're alone in the house and possibly why you shed in the summer.
24. So, you e-mail the test to everyone in your family and discover that your mother is also a German shepherd (ja!), while your brother is a Lhasa apso. Your husband, on the other hand, is a pug. Who knew?25. And suddenly you realize that the world is full of people not getting their work done, too. Which finally gives you an idea for a column ...