This is a plea to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, who I imagine both read the Deseret Morning News with their Starbucks every morning.

Please, please stay away from the Sundance Film Festival. There is no apparent reason for either of you to be in Utah. If I'm wrong, I welcome either to send me an e-mail to the contrary.

OK, maybe someday Paris might be filming some low-budget sequel to the cinematic bomb "Blonde and Blonder" and it will be set in, where else, the land of blond-in-a-box, aka, Utah. Or perhaps Britney will be recording an album with one of the Osmonds — Marie and Britney can share dance moves for a music video.

Otherwise, Paris should probably stick to getting turned away from Hollywood house parties (thanks for that one, TMZ) and Britney can continue her manic demise down into some low that has yet to be revealed, all in front of the glut of paparazzi that somehow know her every move — hmmm.

Already media have been alerted to the possibility that Paris will be showing up at a club in Park City during the festival. Let's just hope it's very, very late and that most people are either too drunk, tired or cold to care that the bundled-up blonde might be the hotel heiress.

Think about it. What do you think would happen if either train wreck crashed into Sundance during the day? For those of you who live in Park City, you know that Main Street would shut down — it would have to.

People would spill out of screenings, shoppers would cease to shop, diners (depending on where they're eating) would put down their forks and all manner of visual media would turn its attention on them. Why? No one knows for sure, but whatever it is, it's an unstoppable inertia that just keeps gaining speed and interest with each photo, video clip and late-night talk show appearance.

The closest either human novelty should be to Park City from now through Jan. 27 is the outlet mall near Kimball Junction. They have shoes and, I assume, a selection of skimpy clothes there. Hey, Paris could even bring her favorite canine accessory for company. And it would be far easier to close a small store while they shop than to clog up Main Street with their presence.

Oh, sure, they do deserve some sympathy. They're trying to figure out life while under the media microscope and, by all appearances, failing along the way. A moment of silence, please.

Now, if they do come to Utah, it should be to find some wide open space to buy or lease for a while. Punch some doggies, ride a horse, sit by a campfire and have a conversation that doesn't start with, "Hey, bartender!" And do it without the cameras so it doesn't turn into another one of Paris' Simple Life fiascoes.

All of that said, I would be willing to withdraw my plea on one condition: that Paris agrees to an interview. She did it with Newsweek, albeit she was an hour late to the interview/lunch. She can do it with the Morning News in Utah.

We'll start slow and easy, like, "Name?"

Seriously, we need to avoid another Andy Warhol incident from the '60s when an impostor posed as the soup-can king and, for a while, duped everyone in Utah during his visit.

After introductions, we'll show her Utah on a map. She'll see that it's not too far from Las Vegas and say something like, "That's hot."

And about five minutes later we'll wrap up the interview. Hey, I didn't say it would be in-depth. We'll find out why she's here, what she plans to do at the festival and maybe the names of her latest man candy or, for a dash of substance, next movie release.

Paris? I'm waiting ...

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