So much news that cries for comment, so little time. Someone get my secretary in here; I've got a few memos to dictate:

Memo to Roger Clemens: Pardon us if we're a little skeptical about your claims of innocence regarding the steroid allegations, but we've heard this before. It's not that fans don't want to believe you, it's that they've been burned so many times previously.

Steroid users are First Team, All-Pro Liars. To wit: Marion Jones, Raphael Palmeiro, Justin Gatlin, Barry Bonds, etc. They can look you right in the eye and point a muscled finger at you and lie with a straight face. Jones should get an Oscar for her act.

Mark McGwire insisted he never took steroids, but then, under oath and in front of Congress, he refused to answer the question — "I'm not here to talk about the past. I'm here to be positive about this subject." Jones filed lawsuits and railed against the media for allegations that proved later to be true. Palmeiro famously jabbed his finger at Congress and told them he never used steroids, period. And then he flunked a drug test.

We've heard all the excuses — from the runner who claimed someone injected his toothpaste with steroids to the high jumper who said the mafia made him do it.

Sorry, Roger, we're going to need more than your word. And the taped phone conversation with your accuser didn't help matters.

· · · · ·

Miami Herald columnist Dan Le Batard wrote that one reason Cam Cameron failed as coach of the Miami Dolphins was because he got stuck with a "Mormon quarterback" — not a rookie quarterback (which he is), but a Mormon quarterback (John Beck).

Memo to Le Batard: Ever heard of Steve Young?

· · · · ·

Memo to Bud Selig: A lot of people are wondering what you should do next in the wake of the Mitchell Report. Here's a suggestion: RESIGN. As in yesterday. Ditto for the leaders of the players union. They all resisted testing and penalties and refused to face the problem until it was much too late. They protected themselves, and the profit margin and the players' so-called rights, but who was protecting the game?

· · · · ·

One-word memo to the BCS about its bowl games: BOOORRRING.

While the BCS is congratulating itself, chew on this: USC blew out Illinois 49-17 in the Rose Bowl. Georgia blew out Hawaii 41-10 in the Sugar Bowl. West Virginia blew out Oklahoma 48-28 in the Fiesta Bowl. LSU blew out Ohio State 38-24 in the BCS national championship game. Of the five BCS games, only one of them was a good game — Kansas beat Virginia Tech 24-21. The BCS managed to match up the wrong teams in the wrong games, but what else do you expect with parity and no playoff system?

Back to the drawing board.

· · · · ·

Memo to coaches Rich Rodriguez, June Jones, Bobby Petrino, and others soon to follow your lead: When you meet with your new teams for the first time, what do you do when you get to that part where you discuss loyalty, team, honor and school spirit?

It's every man for himself in the coaching ranks. Petrino bailed out on his first season with the Atlanta Falcons to take the Arkansas job, leaving a four-sentence note taped to his players' lockers to explain his departure. A few months after West Virginia upgraded Rodriguez's contract to keep him from signing a $12 million offer from Alabama, he signed with Michigan before his old team played in the Fiesta Bowl. June Jones left Hawaii to sign with SMU for $10 million.

Meanwhile, student-athletes are not allowed to go out for pizza with recruiters and have to sit out a year if they transfer to another school.

· · · · ·

Memo to NFL: Still waiting for a steroid scandal to drag you into the drug fray. Is there anyone out there with a functioning brain who believes that the sport whose athletes have the most to gain by taking steroids is as clean as it purports to be? Get real. If baseball players and skinny distance runners and tiny cyclists are cheating with performance-enhancing drugs, then it's a sure thing NFL players are doing the stuff. We just rarely hear about it.

But they pass the drug tests, you say? So did Marion Jones — 160 of them.

E-mail: [email protected]