How NOT to Make Your Wife Happy This Christmas (in 25 Easy Steps):

1. You notice your wife is in the kitchen, cooking up a storm for the party being held at your house later tonight.

2. Dude! It's always good times at your house when you have a holiday party!

3. Even if your wife gets stressed out and goes a little "loco" before the guests arrive.

4. It's always the same. Things are totally fine at first. She's all, "Yes! I love Christmas! Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year!"

5. She even warbles along with the radio for a while as she whips up a couple of cheese balls for the hors d'oeuvres part.

6. Warble! Warble! Warble!

7. Six hours later, however, your wife is not in such a good mood ...

8. She's still in the kitchen, banging pots and pans around while complaining about how MUCH she hates that song on the radio about the kid who wants to buy his momma a pair of fancy new red shoes because she's going to die and meet Jesus on Christmas Eve.


9. While you're trying to figure out the appropriate response to this observation, your wife trips over the dog and swears.

10. Then she picks up the dog and drop-kicks it across the kitchen floor. (Memo to PETA: Just kidding.)

11. When you were first married, this was pretty much your cue to take the dog and go into deep, (really) deep hiding until the first guests arrived. Sayonara, Sweetheart!

12. Now, however, you realize that this should be your cue to help out.

13. Which you do! Bless your little sensitive heart! You fill the sink with suds just like Santa's little helper and start washing all those hundreds of pots and pans your wife has gotten dirty.

14. Dude! Who knew that having parties and making cheese balls at Christmas took so many pots and pans?

15. Not that you've ever personally made a cheese ball at Christmas.

16. Pretty much you're one of those Guys Who Doesn't Cook. Except for waffles. You make killer waffles every Saturday morning. You're famous for them, in fact.

17. Just NOT for killer cheese balls. That's your wife's specialty. But still.

18. There are LOTS of dirty pots and pans for you to wash (and wash and wash).

19. Which makes you wonder if your wife really needs to use so many pots and pans.

20. You also wonder if the underlying problem is that she has too many pots and pans in the first place. Come on! How many pots and pans do Americans really need?

21. No doubt Americans have hogged all the pots and pans on the planet for themselves, just like they've hogged all the rest of the Earth's natural resources.

22. Maybe you could mention that it would be a good idea to "thin out" her pot and pan collection and donate them to other countries. Possibly even right now!

23. Your wife would probably appreciate a suggestion like that, right?

24. So you make the suggestion and here's what you discover.

25. Dogs are not the only thing your woman knows how to drop-kick across a kitchen floor.

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