Good morning, everyone. I'm Brother I mean, Mitt Romney, and I'm running for president. As you might know, for months people have been pressuring me to discuss my Mormon faith the same way my twin, John Kennedy, discussed his Catholicism before he was called to be president.
Somehow my religion has become the issue of my campaign. One Washington Post poll showed that people would vote for a woman and a black but not a Mormon.
So Gladys Knight just missed.
A Harvard professor called me the "most qualified" of all the candidates have I mentioned in the last five minutes that I saved the Salt Lake Olympics? but noted that my faith could prevent me from moving into the Oval Office. So I have called this press conference to address this issue. I am thankful for this opportunity, and I know that I'll get more out of this than you will. I'll take questions now.
No. 1. Why is this press conference starting 10 minutes late?
It was scheduled to start at 9 a.m. MST Mormon Standard Time. MST is about 10 minutes later than the rest of the world. Most BYU football fans, for instance, have never heard "The Star Spangled Banner."
No. 2. Can you discuss the widespread rumor that Mormon men are subjected to horrible violence and unspeakable ugliness regularly in the Mormon culture?
I'm not here to talk about church ball. Not in front of the women anyway. Next question.
No. 3. If you win, will there be a Second Lady and Third Lady in the White House?
Listen, the only thing Mormons know about polygamy is what they learn on "Big Love" and the 10 o'clock news. We marry one partner of the opposite sex and have 3.5 kids and that's pretty much it.
No. 4. What about this Warren Jeffs guy we keep hearing about?
Warren Jeffs has about as much chance to become the president of the Mormon church as a Mormon has to become president of the United oh, wait; never mind.
No 5. Do Mormons have horns?
Yes, and they use them frequently in the traffic jams that form outside of general conference biannually. No, in all seriousness, we drop our horns at puberty.
No. 6. Do Mormons still drive wagons on the roads?
Please, that's the Amish gig! We do like vans and Suburbans, though aka the Mormon Cadillac.
No. 7. Is it difficult being a Mormon?
Nah, it makes life easier. LaVell Edwards noted a few years ago that one of the benefits of church membership is that when you forget a first name there's always an out "Hey there, um, Brother Smith."
No. 8. Are Mormons a threat to national security?
Not unless you're on the road on the last Sunday of the month. It's an inside joke.
No. 9. Why should we trust a Mormon?
Because the 49ers and Eagles did. Because the Miss America pageant did. Because so did Black & Decker and voters in Nevada. Here's a list of Mormons (you can sing it to the tune of Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song) "Sharlene Wells-Hawkes is a Mormon; so is Dale Murphy, Steve Young and J. Willard Marriott; Warren Jeffs NOT A MORMON! Neither is B.J. Honeycutt, but everyone thinks he is; We've got John and Glenn Beck and a senator and coach named Reid; Robert Redford and Larry King both married Mormons; Mike Wallace is not a Mormon, but he really likes our leader; Larry Miller, Johnny Miller, Donny and Marie; all of them are Mormons, just like Ann and me."
No. 10. Could you discuss the confusion about your former Mormon leadership title of steak president?
I've had several people ask me if they could have theirs "medium well." It's s-t-a-k-e, not s-t-e-a-k.
No. 11. As a long shot, how do you ever expect to move to the White House?
The elders quorum.
No. 12. Can we count on you to visit us regularly once you're in office?
Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. Please e-mail email@example.com.