Carol knelt sobbing as Roger's betrayal continued to burn through her heart with the acidic pain of a Zeus-hurled javelin and deepened when she looked at the once-dainty handkerchief clenched in her fist and could only pitifully muse, "I thought this mascara was waterproof." — Laura Crapo

Barbie was fed up from the perfect roots of her shiny soft hair to her made-for-high-heels toes with Ken's ongoing lack of commitment and the stupid fake grin he gave her every time he called her "Doll Face." — Penny Bowler

Stetson leaned in to kiss the pretty stranger, just catching a glimpse of the faint mustache above her lip, causing him to wonder why, in this day of modern technology, a woman wouldn't avail herself of laser hair removal services; but he kissed her anyway. — Lynne Christofferson

He kissed her passionately, not like a lover, but like a fire engulfing a fence post after a long dry spell. — Steve Dawson

Before dawn as Ben ambled over the golf course to sort out his muddled feelings for Suzanne, his gaze was inevitably drawn to the planet Venus, a celestial orb as brilliant, distant and cold as Suzanne herself, which proved to be a most unfortunate distraction inasmuch as a deep sprinkler trench had recently been cut into the seventh fairway. — Steve Fillerup

Ranger Jim grimly noted that his relationships with women did not go extinct; they just remained deceptively dormant until they suddenly and violently erupted in an explosion of hot, molten emotion; and as he locked up the Kilauea Visitor Center, he wondered if perhaps a vacation was long overdue. — Patti Call

Wilbur bent over and tried to whisper sweet "goodbyes" into Elanore's ear, but since she was sound asleep and snoring like a lumberjack's chainsaw, he doubted that she heard. — David Goddard

As Marylou heard the sound of overflowing pie filling sizzling onto the bottom of the newly-scrubbed oven and saw her toddler enter the living room screaming after she'd (accidentally) dumped vegetable oil on her head, she would've dissolved into tears herself had she not suddenly thought of her lover's passionate embrace the night before — while her husband was in Seattle with his secretary (again). — Nancy Delgado


My decapitated hand (unless it is only heads that can be decapitated, in which case I should rather say my dismembered or perhaps severed hand) lay before my stunned eyes, not that the rest of me wasn't stunned as well, and though it might be assumed my first thought in such a circumstance to be "Expletive, expletive, expletive!" it was actually, "Who knew those Cutco cheese slicers were so sharp!" — Rachelle Snow


It was a dark and stormy night — dark like midnight in Barrow, Alaska on the winter solstice (oooh!) during a power outage and stormy like a negative-tilt low pressure trough bringing (woosh!) cold air advection off the Great Salt Lake and creating afternoon convection (pow!) with associated thunderstorms with tops punching (boink!) into the troposphere when I realized (poom! poom! poom! poom!) that I miss Mark Eubank on TV. — Keith Merrill

It was a day of bucolic beauty or would have been if we were in the country, but we were actually in the city with high rises and traffic and air pollution, but it was still pretty decent weather and since the wind was blowing away from the meat packing plant on the corner, it seemed almost bucolic. — Diane Coles

It was like, you know, a dark and stormy night, because I was like, you know, feeling bleakly dark and emotionally stormy inside, because my girlfriend was like, you know, a weather-person, predicting, you know, that if our darkly bleak and stormy relationship didn't improve, you know, she was like forecasting, you know, a change of weather with like, you know, another person. — Neil Dickson

Sylvia noticed that indeed it was a dark and stormy night, although most nights are dark but not always stormy, and if they are stormy, they seem somehow darker — like the covering of a special dark candy bar, not quite brown or black, but a darkness somewhere in between. — Sue Wilson

It was a dark and stormy night, though some would be darker and some would be stormier, but our heroine could no longer tell the difference — so it didn't really matter anyway. — Cathy Jeppsen

It was a dark and stormy night, which wasn't particularly unusual, since all nights are dark, though some are darker than others, depending on the moon phase, and some nights, as well as some days, happen to be stormy. — Troy Jeppsen


It was a dark and stormy night (for it is in my imagination that our story takes place), perfect conditions for talking unicorns to meet casually under the flickering streetlights, sip from flagons of steaming mead, and gossip about the ones who weren't there. — Pam Williams


In the aftermath of the accident, no one could be quite sure what a bear had been doing in the middle of the highway, why it seemed to have been gored through the forehead with a long pointy something, what it had been chasing, or why the driver hadn't seen it while he was coming down the road — but these things happen. — Chris Bleggi


Her nails were thick and curved like bear claws, but that's probably just because she was a bear. — Emma Daybell

The traffic on the freeway was backed up for six miles as a result of a flock of alligators who were slowly migrating north. — Rick Walton


Destiny was calling him, but, after checking the caller ID, Dan decided not to answer because, frankly, she was beginning to get on his nerves. — Heidi Gordon

This is it! she thought, steeling herself; though, as it turned out, it wasn't it after all. — Heidi Gordon

The smell transported Jack back to the mountain peak at sunrise where, after five days of grueling terrain, bad food, the skunk incident, and no shower, he finally decided to change those lucky socks. — April Day


Tad couldn't help but notice how his true love's face looked more silvery gray than green in the moonlight reflecting off the spaceship, and he had to admit that maybe his mother was right about them being worlds apart. — Penny Bowler


She would have been more admired had she been less awkward, more adored had she been less plain, more esteemed had she been less foolish, more respected had she been less poor, more alive had she been less dead. — Melina Gottling


As his crystalline eyes met mine, I swooned under the power of his unblinking gaze, I marveled at the statuesque breadth of his shoulders and the bulk of his chest, and I wondered at the knowledge that this man I loved was zombie who wanted desperately to eat me. — Laura Middleton


If I was smart, which I ain't, and if I had a real job, which I don't, and if I had something better to do, which I don't, I wouldn't be wasting my time, which I am, and spending money, which I don't have, and buying postage stamps, which I need, in order to enter your silly contest — which I am. — Raymond Mayo

Author's note: Again, thanks to all who entered. You made me laugh out loud. Be sure to check out Professor Scott Rice has graciously provided a link to our contest.