Made in America

Jazz rookie Kyrylo Fesenko is getting acclimated to the United States in a hurry.

How do we know?

He's taking driving lessons.

Here's hoping it doesn't lead to trouble. On the other hand, that's the American way, isn't it?

You earn a fat contract, buy yourself a $125,000 car and get picked up on a DUI.

Drive safely, K-Lo. Drive safely.

The leader's voice

Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson has named team captains for the upcoming season, and one of them is forward Stephen Jackson.

Same Stephen Jackson who has been suspended for last season's first seven games for involvement in a strip club gun incident.

Isn't that a bit like naming Britney Spears president of the PTA?

Preparation period

An Omaha promoter is suing Denver Nugget Allen Iverson for skipping an appearance at a local high school.

The promoter was reportedly told that Iverson had a family emergency and couldn't attend, leaving 2,000 or so fans waiting in vain for three hours. Repayment of a $10,000 deposit, as well as more than $30,000 to cover the cost of sending a private plane to pick up A.I., are being sought.

Iverson reportedly said it's not that he didn't want to appear, he only wanted to have a few more days to practice the speech. That's right. Practice. We're talkin' 'bout practice.


Talk-show host David Letterman on the recent sexual harassment ruling against Madison Square Garden: "Let me ask you a question: Are you folks enjoying the new fall television programs? Have you seen the show about the cavemen? Fantastic, isn't it? Here's what it is: It's a group of cavemen and they live together and they run Madison Square Garden."

Getting an earful

The coach of a minor league hockey team is being credited with averting a stampede at the Oklahoma State Fair.

Doug Sauter, coach of the Oklahoma City Blaze, was in attendance two weeks ago when a horse broke free of its reins. Several others became restless. But when Sauter grabbed the horse and bit it on the ear, it settled down.

"That's how you stymie a horse," Sauter told a newspaper. "You bite (on the ear) as hard as you can, and it won't move."

So that finally explains the whole Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield thing.


Elliott Harris, of the Chicago Sun Times, noted a few weeks ago that the Chicago Shamrox pro lacrosse team was holding cheerleader tryouts.

"Our dance team took Chicago by storm last year," director Kim Brancamp said. "If you thought last year's dance team was fabulous, just wait until you see what we have in store for this season."

Let me guess: Something that's never been done before like halter tops and hot pants?