Until now, I found the whole thing fairly depressing, certainly not fodder for a humor column. So I was somewhat surprised when, while brainstorming ideas with my husband, he said, "What about Clinton? He's always good for a laugh."
And I suddenly thought, sure, why not? Everyone else does it. And after all, I did live in Washington, D.C., for a long time. Surely that qualifies me to spout my opinions like those guys on CNN who sit around yelling at one another as if nobody were even watching.So here's my take on The Clinton Scandal. And pay attention - I just might have a scoop or two.
To begin, let me state emphatically that I thought Clinton was trouble right from the start. Anyone who would choose that song, "Don't Start Thinking About Tomorrow" or "Let's Stop Thinking About Tomorrow," or whatever it was, for a campaign theme, is not playing with a full deck, Commander-in-Chief-wise.
Other things troubled me, too. For example, when he appeared on the Arsenio Hall show playing the saxophone, he was dressed like a gangster. And more to the point, exactly why was he wearing sunglasses? Obviously, he had something to hide way back then.
And how about his answer to a young girl's question during a roundtable discussion on MTV, about whether he wears briefs or boxers? His response was, "Most of the time, briefs." That wasn't exactly what I would call full disclosure. What about the rest of the time? (Inquiring minds want to know.)
To be fair, the current crisis doesn't necessarily spell gloom and doom for the country. For example, the fashion industry is flourishing as a result of Monicagate, thereby stimulating economic growth.
My inside source, Shallow Larynx, a bigwig at the house of Somebody de la Somebody, reports that rather than moping over the fact that the father of her only child is a dunce, Hillary, as many women might, went shopping for some expensive designer duds. Discretion prevents me from divulging more, but let's just say Hillary needed a nip here and a tuck there, for obvious reasons. (Lucky for her, Bill likes his gals big.)
Yet another economy-boosting aspect of Bill's indiscretion is the potential windfall to the flagging bumper-sticker industry, which bottomed out when vanity plates became popular. I recently sat behind a bumper which proclaimed: "Hippies Smell." Do I need that sentiment staring me in the face at a red light? No! As for "Love Animals, Don't Eat Them," wake me when the light changes.
Instead, I propose these cutting-edge bumper stickers to enliven drive-time and ultimately help America by possibly taking a bite out of road rage:
I'd Rather Be Impeaching the President; Honk If You Think He's A Pig; Honk If You Always Thought He Was a Pig, But Only Because He Ate Too Much; Okay, So Maybe Kennedy Did It Too, But Look What Happened to Him.
Clinton: Zust Nor Voxen A Trolley Car In Boch! (for local distribution in Queens, N.Y. and Miami); Pull Over If You Think The Starr Report Is Ringo's Biography.
And, finally, the entertainment factor of Monicagate is enormous. (We haven't enjoyed watching TV this much since O.J. tried to get that glove on.) For instance, we get to see Dan Quayle again, who above all else is always fun to watch. He's popping up everywhere, with that same vacant stare we've sorely missed. Only now, Dan finally has something pithy to say. One minute he's talking about how Clinton lacks family values, the next minute he's talking about how Clinton is morally bankrupt. (Apparently Dan is planning to run in 2000 on the "At Least I'm Not Bill Clinton" platform.)
As for that scoop I mentioned at the start of this column, I told you to pay attention. I said I might have one. Also, what I actually said depends on your definition of "scoop," and what you think I mean by the words "have" and "just."