I've been getting a few complaints lately.
For instance, several readers, including my mom, think I left out some crucial information on that column I did on golfing a few weeks ago. Specifically, they want me to explain how my dad caught on fire while sitting in a golf cart with his friend Stan. That is why I decided to interview him directly on the subject.Me: How did you catch on fire?
Dad: It was a cool day in the early spring. We had a butane tank in the cart to keep us warm, but it kept tipping over. Apparently it tipped over in my direction, and the flame burned through the shoulder of my sweater and shirt.
Me: How did you put yourself out?
Dad: Stan and I stopped! Dropped! And rolled! Just kidding. The fire wasn't as bad as you made it sound. I was singed more than burned.
Me: OK, fine. So what did you shoot that day anyway?
Dad: An 82.
The other complaint I've been getting lately is that my column is "trivial." That is why today I have chosen to write about the following important topic: Our Nation's Moral Fiber and Why it Is Such a Bad Thing to Have a President Who Tells Us Fibs.
Here's the main problem with having a lying leader as I see it.
Although most of us have not had as much experience as President Clinton in the Deceit Arena, we (the American people) might start to think WE CAN GET AWAY WITH LYING, TOO! I know this from direct, personal experience because of what happened to me at the library the other day.
I was looking through the racks for something when I came upon a paperback called "The Devil's Due" by Rita Boucher. The cover featured a handsome man and a beautiful woman doing a little dance. The man, who looked like that very cute guy in "The Highlander," was wearing a kilt. Naturally (since I am a serious and devoted student of Scottish history) I picked up the book and read the following flap copy: "Beautiful Lady Katherine Steele was in desperate flight from the loathsome lord who threatened even more than her virtue after her husband's death . . . ."
Well, right away I knew Lady Katherine was going to be having a more interesting Labor Day weekend than I was, so I opened up the book and started to read: "He brought his lips down upon hers, tasting the sweetness of that lying mouth. It was a kiss meant to frighten. Duncan crushed her to him, ravaging with calculated lust, storming her as if she were a castle under siege, demanding nothing less than total surrender. But somewhere in the midst of the attack, he lost all constraint."
"Wow," I said.
Crush. Ravage. Storm. Siege. Surrender. Attack. As a serious and devoted student of fine literature in addition to Scottish history, I was simply thrilled by the author's consistent use of medieval warfare imagery when describing a single kiss. In fact, I was so impressed that I decided to check out "The Devil's Due" and take it home with me.
There was just one problem: I was too embarrassed to check the novel out because I didn't want the librarians to think I read romances.
It's not that I don't like and respect romance readers. Often I do nothing all day long but sit around and respect romance readers. Some of my best friends are romance readers. In fact, I myself have been known to read an occasional romance ever since my friend Annette introduced me to "The Raider" by Jude Deveraux. It's just that I think it's sort of embarrassing to let people like librarians know that you are reading books about heroines with heaving bosoms and so forth.
That's when I decided to do the presidential thing and lie.
As I handed over my copy of "The Devil's Due," I planned to toss off an airy laugh and say, "HA! HA! What a stupid cover! What a stupid guy in a kilt! I hope you don't think I'm checking out this book for myself because I don't read this kind of trash. NO. I'm checking it out for my great-aunt. No, wait a minute. I'm checking it out for Ken Starr. No, wait a minute. I'm checking it out for Ken Starr's great-aunt, which clearly makes this whole thing KEN STARR'S FAULT!"
In the end, however, I decided it is truly sick to lie to librarians, as well as to other people, which is why, if I am crowned Miss America tonight, I'll do everything in my power to make Americans stop lying.
P.S. Since I am busy confessing things, I'll admit that I was one of three people in the entire state of Utah who actually voted for Clinton.
And that, I deeply regret, is the truth.