We here at the Royal Order of Worry Warts present you with the following list of things to worry about as the Utah college football season gets under way in earnest today. Why? Because, let's be honest, you just don't have enough things to worry about in your own life, and you could use a few more.
This public service, brought to you by Tylenol II, will save you the trouble of having to actually think of things to worry about yourself, which we know is a full-time job. Not to worry (pardon the expression), we've got you covered.WHAT BYU FANS CAN WORRY ABOUT . . .
Utah might be for real. Maybe those four wins over BYU in five years weren't flukes after all, and the worm really has turned.
LaVell Edwards will retire (the worry if BYU wins).
LaVell Edwards won't retire (if BYU loses).
Two words: honor code.
The good news: Most of BYU's wide receivers are back. The bad news: Last year they couldn't catch a cold.
The good news: The Cougars promise to bring the pass back. The bad news: Their best player is a running back.
Get a load of that schedule!
WHAT UTAH FANS CAN WORRY ABOUT . . .
Those two losses to USU in the last two season-openers weren't aberrations. The Aggies own the Utes.
The bad news: The Utes open against USU again. The good news: John L. Smith is gone.
Louisville is coming to town . . . with John L. Smith.
Things are going far too smoothly. No injuries. Good schedule. Two solid, experienced quarterbacks. High preseason expectations. New stadium to go with the recent additions of a training center, primo weight room and indoor practice bubble. Things are just too good. Something's got to go wrong.
What if they're still Enigma U. after all of the above? Then what?
LaVell Edwards won't/will retire for years.
The Utes have lost five of their last six season openers.
WHAT UTAH STATE FANS CAN WORRY ABOUT . . .
New coach Dave Arslanian. No D-1 experience.
The good news: Arslanian says he will bring Weber's offense to USU. The bad news: Maybe he brought Weber's defense, too.
Whaddya mean they're not playing BYU?!
The schedule - Utah, New Mexico, Colorado, Washington. Whose idea was THAT?!
The good news: The Aggies have a reputation for delivering hard hits. The bad news: They've delivered them on the local citizenry.
The good news: Arslanian says he's serious about cleaning up the Aggies' act off the field. The bad news: That's what the last guy said.
Arslanian said it will take a while for the offense to get rolling. What if he means four years?
The good news: The Aggies have four quarterbacks. The bad news: They're all freshmen or sophomores with the exception of starter Riley Jensen, a senior transfer from BYU who has never taken a Division 1 snap.
Demario Brown will break a leg, which is the only way he won't gain 1,000 yards.
WHAT WEBER FANS CAN WORRY ABOUT . . .
Jerry Graybeal. First head coaching job.
The good news: Scott Shields is back at WSU, kicking, catching, intercepting. The bad news: There aren't 10 of him.
Graybeal says the Wildcats will run the ball and play defense. He what?!!