Conspiracy Theory: North by NorthWest

Each June, the City Weekly staff allegedly meets in secret at midnight during the full moon to choose the band that will win the North by Northwest competition.Allegedly, they "carefully select" the bands that will compete, "strategically place" bands into performance slots at the participating clubs (which are also in on the conspiracy) and subsequently pay their handpicked judges to choose the bands predestined for the finals.

After completing round one, they allegedly "draw the bands' names out of a hat" to decide the playing order for the finals. We find it interesting that the best bands and eventual winners always seem to play last. Ooh, hmm, coincidence? You decide.

Deseret News Building: Not a federal stronghold but headquarters for secret investigations into "alternative" media monkeyshines.

Jess and Lu: Not secret agents, (although both strongly resemble agent Dana Scully) but taking a crack at investigative reporting.

All right, all right we've heard a bunch of stories from what we consider to be reliable sources, but we haven't been able to prove a thing. This past Sunday night, we decided to split up to cover more ground in our search for the truth. It is out there you know.

The sketchiest thing that occurred was Bill Frost's refusal to acknowledge Jess' presence at the Zephyr.

Question: Did he not see her? Or is this merely another attempt to hide what we believe to be the greatest scandal since Waldholtz?

There is no way to get to the bottom of this. At least, not right now. City Weekly covers its tracks really well: good bands actually win.

The Stats: Approximatly 48 bands entered and 24 were "chosen" to play in the preliminary round. According to Patti Stith, City Weekly employee and band competition organizer, most of the bands not chosen were missing essential portions of their entry requirement. We can only speculate that those bands with complete entries who did not make the prelims are allegedly really, really bad.

Twenty-four bands competed at eight different clubs for a spot in Friday's finals at the Zephyr, an alleged mafia stronghold full of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Yes. The Zephyr is allegedly in on the conspiracy, as are Mayor Corradini and Gov. Leavitt. Allegedly. (Although the government's role is limited to breaking the guitar strings of "unlucky" bands).

Do you doubt us?

WELL, FINE! Don't listen! We're right. In our hearts we know we're right. It's just a matter of time. Just wait until Friday night. A band will win. Oh, yes it will, and we know who it is. At least we think we know who it is. We hope we know. We're pretty sure we've figured this whole thing out. We just don't want to spoil the surprise for those of you allegedly not in the loop.

Here's a little list of possible winners for Friday's playoff at the Zephyr: winning at the Zephyr last Sunday, Loveseat Daredevil; from Liquid Joe's, Choice of Reign; from yucky Spanky's, Jesus Rides a Rik'sha. From the new and improved Green Street, The Given; from the newly remodeled Ichabob's, Chola; from the Dead Goat (why ruin a good thing) Saloon, Marmalade Hill; from Burt's Tiki Lounge, Headshake; and from the Holy Cow, the Dime Store Deacons.

Show up at 7 p.m. Friday to prove us right or just to allege your own theory.