I'm melting! I'm melting!

I can tell I'm really depressed when I don't even enjoy looking in the mirror.Bush. Bush. Bush. That's all anyone's talking about. I can't believe America wants to elect another George Walker Bush. This one's missing his Herbert.

I know what it's like to grow up with a presidential spoon in your mouth. And there's nothing wrong with a little privilege. But George W. just got his first real job. He's only been governor of Texas for 10 minutes, and he's already beating me in the polls? Excu-u-u-use me? Don't we have some dues to pay? W. has never even run for national office.

Sure, W. has nice hair, and his Southern accent beats his daddy's. Shucks, it beats mine. But let's get real. He was just some do-nothing, know-nothing hothead hanging around his dad's White House. The only thing W. did the whole four years was tell John Sununu to clear out his desk.

W. is running a state, but I'm running a country - until Bill gets back from China. Let's see how the Smoothie in Chief handles those sneaky butchers of Tiananmen Square when they bring him champagne.

The presidency is my birthright. I can't let it slip away to some other scion. I've worked too hard. I've had secret strategy meetings on Gore 2000 for more than a year. I've invited all those nasty reporters to my house every Halloween, getting done up in some silly costume, standing in line for hours to shake their hands and tell them how adorable their rugrats are.

So now I'm the past and he's the future? Has everybody forgotten that I'm the one who got the Earth on line?

I never sowed any wild oats. I've always been the Good Son. And now they say W.'s carousing past gives him character and manliness.

All the stupid pundits are saying I'm weak. They're asking why Bill's mud sticks to me and not to him.

The only reason W. gets more popular with every poll is that people are confusing their Bushes. My dad was a great man, too - but who remembers? Gosh, I wish he'd been president.

Anyway, it's even more embarrassing if people are preferring W.'s old man to me. I thought they couldn't wait to vote him out of the White House. This was a guy even the Republicans wanted to forget. Then he jumps out of a plane, and now all of a sudden he's a great ex-president?

Watch out, W. I may act like a Boy Scout, but I know how to fight dirty. Why do you think the president and I blocked W.'s little plan to streamline applications for public assistance in Texas? He's not going to run on that issue. And why do you think Gary Mauro, his opponent in the governor's race, is my new best friend?

Sure, I haven't been at the top of my game lately. I called Michael Jordan Michael Jackson. And I messed up by only giving $353 to charity last year. That stupid W. gave $16,500.

It's not that I'm not perfect. But even perfect people make mistakes.