CLEANING UP: Who says Southern Baptists don't have a sense of humor? As their national convention wound up Thursday in Salt Lake City, a conventioneer calling himself "Dr. U. Ben Took" sent out a press release, containing convention news "Heard in the Corridors."
A sampling:"I hear Bill Clinton's presidential library will have a restriction of being 1,500 feet from a church or school."
"An HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) manager died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. `Can I come to heaven?' he asked Saint Peter. `Of course you can," Peter replied. `But you can only stay two days.' "
Dr. Took also included this note about a similarity discovered between Baptists and Mormons:
"Mormons wish a Mormon occupied the White House.
Baptists wish a Mormon occupied the White House."
No comment from Arkansas Southern Baptist Bill Clinton, who was unable to attend this year's convention.
U Ben Took. Think that's a pen name?
In response to a column item about Richard Wirick, owner of the recently relocated downtown shoe store, The Oxford Shop, and his unbridled optimism about the future of downtown business despite all the upheaval, a business consultant "close to the situation" called in to say, "Dick Wirick is the kind of man who would sharpen the sword of his exe-cu-tioner."
Take it as a compliment, Dick.
Wirick, by the way, has this advice for any of his fellow business owners who might also have to relocate: "Make friends with your local bike police. They're good guys, and it really pays off."
When Wirick and his inventory moved two blocks from Broadway to 100 South, the SLPD bike police carried all the heavy boxes.
A Provo reader writes in response to a column reference that auto/Jazz/real estate tycoon Larry Miller might have been merely lucky to have his new Sandy development wind up next door to the new Sandy Salt Palace:
"Luck, schmuck . . . Get a job, Benson. Newspaper columnists need luck, not entrepreneurs like Larry Miller. This is still America, and some people talented and skilled and motivated enough build the American dream so that others not as talented, skilled or motivated have a place to show up for work."
Glad he got that off his chest. And now I know how to spell entrepreneur.
Finally, if you or someone you know is interested in playing football for the University of Utah, someone recently secured a copy of the "entrance exam" and sent it to my colleague, Deseret News outdoor editor Ray Grass.
A few of the categories and questions:
Foreign language: What language is spoken in France?
History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions . . . OR . . . Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
Metric conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
Religion: How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately).
Geography: What are people in America's far north called? A) Westerners, B) Southerners, C) Northerners.
European history: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium . . . OR . . . Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
Advanced physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? A) Yes, B) No.
Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have? Score 50 percent and above, you can play for the Utes. Below that, for BYU. Grass, a Ute, may have added that last part.