Humorist James Taranto suggests we should draw straws on commandments: Long gets to take the name of the Lord in vain, and short gets graven images. Following these tidbits of moral leadership, the White House described actress Elizabeth Ward Gracen's affirmation of a sexual relationship with Bill Clinton as a good news day because Gracen described her encounter with Clinton as "completely consensual."
Clinton's legacy is that he has redefined morality. He has given a whole new twist to the rules of Exodus. He has, of course, lowered the bar, but there is also his redirection of morality to a standard of social responsibility. Mrs. Rodham Socks Clinton demonstrated such with her scathing critique of the film, "My Best Friend's Wedding," in which Julia Roberts' character lies, cheats, steals and betrays. Hillary Clinton issued her righteous indignation for Roberts' sin of smoking. The penalty for tobacco use should be decapitation or billions in taxes, although not necessarily in that order.The legacy of Clinton is, as a Macbeth commentator noted, "a rejection of all laws and customs outside his own being." Herewith, the 10 commandments of the Clinton era. These are by no means etched in stone.
1. Y'all shouldn't drive sports utility vehicles (SUV). SUVs are much safer than other vehicles and create a gross injustice that Thomas Jefferson would have gone to war to preserve and protect: the right to drive an unsafe vehicle. See commandment 3 below for more on these gas-guzzling gifts of Gomorrah.
2. Now you listen to me, there won't be any gun, rifle or weapon totin'. If it fires bullets, it's a sin. My buddies in Hollywood can use any form of weapon (even automatic) in their filmmaking provided their donations remain at night-in-the-Lincoln-Bedroom-levels. Children caught using weapons shall be excused from any and all crimes for having been raised by heathens who used and possessed weapons.
3. Al Gore is right about oil producers, lumberjacks, business people and auto manufacturers. They've killed more of his relatives than tobacco, and he'll be telling you about it at the Democratic convention in 2000. Y'all can still use gas-powered vehicles, have your house framed, be employed by a business or demand air bags in autos. Hypocrisy is not a problem. However, use of excessive gas due to ownership of an SUV (unless you have added Astroturf to it) shall be considered a violation (see commandment 1).
4. No cigarettes. Cigars are OK (see hypocrisy above). If evil tobacco growers tempt you, sue the sons of perdition for their deprivation of your free will. I'll continue the anti-smoking campaign the American people hired me to do and construct an infrastructure from which many can draw a living. Outlawing tobacco is prohibited. Product bans are limited to things from which you can't make money. There is no money in silicone implant education.
5. Mandate and preserve affirmative action and diversity programs. See commandment 4 on creating consulting gold mines. Diversity dogma enriches.
6. Don't tape record friends who are involved in activities that will cause you to be subpoenaed. There used to be something about adultery being a sin. Such activity is no longer a problem, ergo, recordings of those confessing to such is tantamount to murder, which I'm not necessarily saying is altogether a bad thing.
7. Ignore biblical doctrine on homosexuality. In fact, I will propose legislation to permit those of same-sex orientation to own an SUV, despite commandments 1 and 3 above.
8. Nationalized, government-financed health care is next to godliness. Ira Magaziner is excused from that hefty penalty for lying foisted upon him by a federal court for his conduct in the 1994 attempt to nationalize health care. Lying is no longer a problem (see commandment 9).
9. Spinning is good. Do not be wedded to the truth. False impressions, stretches, stonewalls, and later retractions and denials are encouraged. James Carville has surely earned a place in Heaven for his work.
10. Thou shalt not violate the polls. In the event of any question on these rules for the 21st century, take a poll and follow the majority.
Every American will be given a voucher good for one violation of a commandment. Vouchers may be used or traded on a market in which prices will be controlled by Netscape. No person shall have more than 10 vouchers in his possession at any time. Such person must either sin or sell.
No vouchers are needed should the economy be in a non-inflationary robust mode. One social program cancels a sin. For example, stopping drive-by deliveries is a get-out-of-jail free card. When all else fails, executive privilege can be claimed at any time.