To say the very least, last month was not a good one for me and my ongoing battle of the bulge. To say the very most, I should have been declared a Diet Disaster Area.

Unfortunately, while March Madness went on all around me, I participated in March Fatness.Since I said I'd be honest about the ups-and-downs of my diet when I started this "weight-loss" column over a year ago, I'll begin this one with my confessional.

So, drum roll, make that a drum stick, please. Last month, I gained one pound. Well, one pound times 13.


Anyhow, now that you know my deepest, darkest secret, I feel like a bigger person. Uh, I mean a better person.

The scary part about my personal expansion last month was that I gained all that weight in about three weeks. Quick, call Ripley's or Guiness, that's gotta be a record. It's a good thing I was on a diet, eh!?

So, how did I gain so much in so little time? You had to ask, didn't ya.

I actually started the month off doing quite well. At the end of February, I made a deal with a friend to stay off of all pop and carbonation as well as chips, candy and sweets. And for a couple of weeks, I was as faithful to that promise as I could be.

To this day, I still have not drunk one drop of pop. However, my wimpy willpower wore out after awhile, and I haven't let one drop of all that other stuff get by me lately. I became the biggest food black hole this side of Rick Majerus. (Hey, every other writer in America has taken shots at his eating habits recently, so I couldn't let the opportunity slip by.)

The diet breakdown really isn't all my fault. OK, maybe it is, but I'm going to pass on some of the blame anyway. I was doing great on my diet, you see, until a girl - who shall remain nameless just in case she's reading this article - gave me THE talk several weeks ago.

I'll spare you the gory details, but it was basically that "Jody, you're a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live there" speech. You know, the talk that starts and ends with "Let's just be friends."

I actually took it well. It was my stomach that revolted.

I like to joke about it, but it is rather discouraging that I return to food every time I have to deal with something unpleasant - whether it be sadness, loneliness, frustration, stress, change, etc.

Maybe I should start turning to something less caloric, perhaps like Nintendo or something. I know, I know, exercise would probably be the ideal solution. It always comes back to that, doesn't it.

For that reason, I'm glad the warm weather is around the corner. This will be a good time for me to get my behind back in gear and to get my weight under the Majerus level. I'd rather write about Spring Slimdown than March Fatness any day.