* NEWS ITEM: DEMOCRATS A DYING BREED IN UTAH:

It's true, of course. The old, gray donkey - she ain't what she used to be.Many long years ago.

And yes, this is bad. When there's only one party, the guest list can get pretty exclusive. A lot of people never get invited at all.

On the other hand, I do see a silver lining to the demise of the Democrats. It is this: The Endangered Species Act will soon kick in.

Like the spotted owl, Democrats have become so rare they deserve special protection.

Anyone seen attacking a Democrat will be fined.

Anyone seen stealing their feathers or messing with their territory will be jailed.

Democrats also deserve a special habitat.

I move the Democrats be given Bryce Canyon as a refuge.

I move specialists be brought in to care for and monitor their young and help single adults find mates.

I move the state fund the SPCD (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Democrats) and that big bucks be allocated to said organization.

I move I be made treasurer of said organization.

I move that all Democrats in Utah gather next week to discuss it.

I move that meeting be held at Bill and Nada's Cafe.

* NEWS ITEM: KARL MALONE SAYS HE PACKS A CONCEALED WEAPON IN UTAH:

Some feel that stress has gotten to the Mailman. They say the Utah Jazz star went off half-cocked on national television last week. But Malone has always had a hair-trigger. He tends to shoot from the hip.

He says he's been more self-centered lately - doing more gunning and shooting.

He says he didn't like management taking potshots at him.

He says he feels some members of the team need to bite the bullet and aim a little higher.

I'm sure those players (we all know who he targeted) feel shell-shocked by the remarks. But they should keep in mind Malone's had his sights on a title for years now. He doesn't want things to blow up in his face again. The kids shouldn't feel too much under fire.

As for the fans, we know Karl has a short fuse, but we love him anyway - lock, stock and barrel.

* NEWS ITEM: SADDAM UNHAPPY WITH WORLD COMMUNITY.

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