I heard a rumor the other day that President Clinton is considering a Hollywood career after his term expires. That got me thinking about my own future, and I've decided that when he gets into show business, I'll run for president.
My qualifications speak for themselves: First, I'm an aging baby boomer (myslogan: I Was At Woodstock), and there sure are a lot of those who will need looking after. Second, I'm female (I think it's time), and third, I'm Jewish (ditto).
In addition, my closet is skeleton-free. Not only have I never suborned perjury, I don't even know what that means. I've never fooled around with an intern, although I did date a med student for awhile, but that was before I was married. And lastly, from what we've seen so far, I'm a better dancer than Al Gore.
Here are a few of my campaign promises:
1. Vending machines in Florida will dispense prunes and aspirin. Candy will be abolished, leading to fewer dentists, who will be offered training programs to become aerobics instructors.
2. Talking, even whispering, in movie theaters after the credits start will be severely punished. Anyone caught will be sentenced to a three-day Chevy Chase retrospective.
Movie stars will be paid minimum wage, and new films starring John Travolta will be frowned upon.
3. Glamour girls with big earrings delivering the nightly news will cease and desist. In fact, no more nightly news. You'll eventually find out everything you need to know from friends, neighbors, or whatever it is falling on you.
4. The minimum age for a driver license will be when you've earned enough money to buy your own car.
5. Free babka, borscht, challah, latkes, kasha, kneidlach, kreplach, kugel, rugelah, and pichay will be supplied to anyone who knows what they are and how to eat them.
6. Women wearing pantyhose with sandals obviously do not understand the concept and will be forced to wear fleece-lined boots in warm weather.
7. Elimination of the "hold" button on all business phones. If you can't talk, don't answer.
8. Real estate agents who exaggerate will be denied cellular service. The phrases "fixer-upper" and "close-in charmer" appearing in print will be replaced with "dump" and "dump in a bad neighborhood."
9. Items diffcult to pronounce, such as armoires, etageres, arrugula, radicchio, and Mayor Guiliani will be heavily taxed. Pretension in decorating or cuisine will be punishable by two weeks spent crimping pie crust in Martha Stewart's kitchen.
10. Human dignity will be restored with the installation of public toilets for dogs, putting a stop to people walking around with long-handled dustpans and plastic bags full of you-know-what.
11. Misplaced apostrophes (your's, sandwiche's), meaningless phrases (this point in time, if you will), and euphemisms ("heavy" for fat, "discomfort" for pain) will be subject to fines by the Language Police, formerly known as the Marines. Adults who say "bye bye" will be held up to public ridicule.
12. Perfume and cologne will be forbidden in elevators. Anyone caught using will be forced to sit in a tub full of "Giorgio."
13. The Geraldo Rivera Law will be enacted, requiring all talk show hosts to get real jobs and become contributing members of society.
14. Baby joggers will be discouraged, as will carriers attached to the back of bicycles which allow the parent to get through the intersection while the child gets hit by a bus.
15. The secretary of the Interior will issue tickets for the following violations of good taste: outdoor carpeting on front steps and porches, fur dice hanging from rear view mirrors, pets wearing clothes, and excessive lawn ornaments, i.e. painted elves, plastic sunflowers, and donkeys pulling wagons.
16. Doctors must apologize profusely while paying patients one dollar for each minute spent waiting past their appointment time.
17. Under the Common Decency Act, adult men in tiny Speedo bathing suits will be banned from public areas.
18. Dr. Laura will be prohibited from saying "I am my kid's mom" and "now go take on the day" during her radio broadcast.
19. Cosmetic surgery will be painless and covered by health insurance.
20. Make that $5 per minute for the doctors, and they have to get down on bended knee for the apology.
I realize that my platform may not please everyone, and I'm willing to admit I might be a one-termer. But that's okay, because after four years in the Mauve House I'm planning to star in my own sitcom.