And the restraining order goes to . . . Scott Kerman, author of the freeloader's bible "No Ticket? No Problem!" who has been told by a judge to keep away from the Academy Awards on March 23.

Kerman was arrested last year the day before the awards show, when academy officials claim he tried to sneak into the lobby of the Shrine Auditorium. The aspiring stand-up comic filed a false-arrest lawsuit against the academy, which countersued for trespassing. Both complaints are pending.Kerman didn't show up at his own hearing Wednesday morning, missing out on a chance for even more free entertainment. Speaking for him was attorney Susan Sullivan, who tried to convince Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Aurelio Munoz that the injunction isn't necessary.

Her argument? Kerman made up the whole thing.

Sullivan told Munoz that "No Ticket? No Problem!" is pure fiction, asserting that her client has never crashed an Academy Awards show.

"Mr. Kerman is not an international terrorist," she said. "He's not a stalker. He's a joker. The back of the book says `Professor Scott Kerman, B.S.' Mr. Kerman is not a professor and Mr. Kerman does not have a bachelor of sciences degree."

Munoz said the academy would have a lot to lose if Kerman staged "the ultimate crash" - getting in, walking up on stage and plugging his book in front of an audience of 1 billion.

"Should plaintiff disrupt the ceremonies, the damages could be difficult to ascertain and the academy could suffer irreparable injury to its reputation," the judge wrote in his tentative ruling.

Munoz ordered Kerman to stay across the street from the Shrine Auditorium during the Academy Awards.

For a work of fiction, Kerman's book contains a lot of details from inside the awards show. The 31-year-old says he posed as a security guard in 1996 and sneaked into the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, shaking hands with Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

"I walked in and out of the pavilion as if I owned the place, and at one point I gave people directions and told others to move on," Kerman boasts in the book.

The next year he was arrested. In his lawsuit, Kerman claims he spent several hours in a South Central Los Angeles jail while dressed in a tuxedo.

"For the people who read his book and think they can get in, I would refer to his track record," academy spokesman Rick Robertson said.